Growing up, when I would look at adult couples, they seemed very business-like and short of an arm around a wife's shoulder while sitting down or a kiss goodbye at the airport, most couples didn't mush and gush over each other.

By the time I was in highschool I came to dislike that idea of public displays of affection. In private?-- That was a whole different game. I like the idea of a couple cuddling up to each-other and telling each-other how they missed each other and on and on. But it just seemed weak and pathetic and needy when I saw couples gushing over each other in public.

So when my wife got her feelings hurt that I was hesitant to kiss her in very public places, I struggled. I now hold her hand in public no problem. I even give her kisses in public but still feel a little bit uncomfortable depending on where it is. Anyway, I've improved because I don't want my wife to feel like I'm embarassed of her (which IS NOT the case!).

I took a trip with my family for a week, my wife stayed at home. We'd talk on the phone several times during the day. I would say things like "Glad you called!" or "I was hoping it was you". Occationally I would say I loved her as I hung up but I tended to shy away from mushy words. Often I just say "Me too!" or "Yeah, big time!" When she would say she was missing me, I'd say "I've been feeling exactly the same way; all the time". Trying to communicate that I was missing her but avoiding using those words and sounding mushy in public.

When I got back, my wife said this hurt her feelings a lot. That it made her feel like dirt. That it seemed like I was embarassed to say I cared about her in front of my family. I tried to explain that I've always been like this. I just have a hangup about it and I've been this way with every past girlfriend-- that I shy away from mushy words in public.

What do you guys think? Am I supposed to be mushy for her sake? Or is she supposed to understand that's just who I am at this point in time?

what do you care what other people think? Frankly I admire people who prioritize their spouse and don't care what "culture" thinks.

Since you freely admit it's a hangup, and it woul dmean much to your W, I'd pull your head out of your butt, deal with it, and start meeting the needs your W is clearly saying she needs.

I mean, really, what's the cost?

Ok, fair enough. Personally I find it embarrassing for a guy to be that mushy in public. Like I'm wearing a pink shirt and talking with a lisp but oh well, you are right that my wife's needs are important. I'll try to correct my hangup. Thanks.

Well, look at it like this...

The message you're sending your wife is that complete and utter strangers who you will most likely never meet or see again, their opinion and their thoughts are more important to you than she is/her thoughts are.

Who'd want to invest in a relationship driven by that level of insecurity?

Wasp, your attitude in high school to PDA is actually very common among adolescents. It does not distinguish you from most people.

As far as saying sweet nothings on the phone, don't worry about it. Most adults who overhear you will not think of you as anything else then a H deeply in love. Don't worry about it.


As a matter of fact, this reminds me of an incident about a month ago:

A secretary who sits in a cubicle close to the door of my office had such a conversation with her H. After her phone call I popped my head out and asked her: "Hey does my voice carry out here when I am on the phone?"

She: "Like when you are on the phone with a client? Well, yeah, sure..."

Me: "Well, I am more concerned when I am on the phone with my wife!"

A giggling voice from about 3 cubicles over: "Oh, no we can't hear a thing when you talk to her every morning!"

Me: "Good! I wouldn't want my detailed discussion of what I am going to do with her that night keep you from concentrating on your work!"

About half a dozen secretaries roar with laughter: "Oh, no, we can’t hear any of that either, sir..."

Since then I close the door to my office when I am on the phone with W.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Wasp:

First of all, your wife is very lucky to have a husband who is man enough to examine his short comings and try to do something about them to please her.

As with dealing with any changes in personal behavior, take it one day at a time. At first it will be difficult to constantly remember what your wife's needs are, but then (as time goes by) it will become second nature.

Just remember you are blessed to have a wife that is worth going through all this change for. The more you realize she is worth the effort, the easier it will become to give her the emotional support she needs.