I am in the Army and recently cheated on my wife. I was in a school when I was tempted by a woman that brought some qualities to me my wife did not have or possess anymore. I hid this woman from my wife for a month and when I deployed to Iraq she found out on her own about us.

She has forgiven me and wants to make the marriage work but I have not forgiven myself which makes my life a living (you know what). I feel bad for what I did but in someway wish my wife would have left me. I have been trying to get her to get a separation from me while I am gone but she will not. I recently told her best friend to introduce her to a guy so maybe my wife could find happiness elsewhere. We have both read His Needs Her Needs and found out that I have not been fulfilling her needs to standards. She says she knows I can fulfill them but just need to work on them. Honestly I do not know if I can. Well her friend is introducing her to a guy that is going through a similar situation as my wife. I want my wife to go out with this guy to see if he has better qualities then me or if he can make her happier. She did not like the idea but after much talking into, she has agreed to meet this guy. This guy seems to have the same ideas and beliefs as her so am I wrong for her to find happiness. My wife asked me how far she could take it if she liked him, I told her all the way. If this guy is better for her then me I told her that I would let her be with him. Have I done the wrong thing and will I lose my wife to this guy - I just dont know, what have I done.

I just know my wife and my cheating will haunt our marriage forever even if she does not let on.

Little Background - married 4 yrs and have one son

arbniver76,

"My wife asked me how far she could take it if she liked him, I told her all the way. If this guy is better for her then me I told her that I would let her be with him. Have I done the wrong thing and will I lose my wife to this guy - I just dont know, what have I done."

I don't know what to say...

Are you for real? Explain to me how this could possible ever be the right thing to do. I am still in shock.

Instead of trying to pimp your wife out and turn her into a who*e, why not try acting like a man and stepping up the plate? You made a mistake, and the answer isn't to pimp out the mother of your son, but to do your best to start acting like a husband.

A REAL HUSBAND who strives to protect and care for his family. That is your job, my friend. Leading your wife into an adulterous affair is not the act of a loving husband who wants the best for his family.

And yes, your affair will haunt your marriage forever. That is called a consequence; something to be faced, not run from like a coward. But it won't harm your marriage as bad as a divorce will. A divorce will destroy your marriage and your son's family. Divorce will greatly harm your son.

Well basically is what you are planning on teaching your son is that grownup can and should use people to fill themselves up when they 'FEEL' like it....

you stand to introduce in to your family the MAN that will replace you...and move in and raise your son while you get to VISIT for a few days a month in total....

you stand to take this MAN going through a emotional turmoil as you say....(by the way is he married also...and just not 'happy' with marriage)
and USE him to appease your guilt over what YOU did ...

and you may as well divorce since your idea of FIXING marital problems is using other people and turning away from eachother and bringing in third parties...

pity and woe to the four year old...who is innocent in ALL this mess and has no grownup in his life to act thusly...

put the breaks on this load of crap you have started...
and pull this train that is perched on the top of a huge hill back and on to safe ground...

NEVER EVER EVER will encouraging infidelity fix YOUR infidelity...

it is ILLOGICAL at best...........

STOP the madness

Go to the OM APOLOGIZE for trying to USE him...(IS he married)

Go to your wife and tell her you were wrong to have the affair...but Lordy even more wrong to believe for a second that having HER screw other people would make her happy....

is this enough of a wake up call yet...or do you need more...cause I have more....

ready to work on creating a marriage of honor and value or does THAT not interest you...

people here can help you do that but NO one HERE can assist you in your plan of destruction...

ARK

Welcome to MB.

Little time. I'll be blunt.

I don't buy your guilt-trip. It's a cop out. I am a FWW, and you can make the M work if you have the will.

So, either be honest with yourself (and your W) and admit that you want to throw in the towel, because YOU don't want to work on the M. OR, step up to the plate, accept the consequences of your choices,and give your W and your Son your all! Don't you think your son should have a chance to have his family!!

P.S. Amazing things have happened to Ms and to the people who apply the principles on this site.

Soldier, you've told another to "chamber a round" and run up and down the firing lane until they trip and fall. The weapon MAY discharge, it may not. If it does, the innocent may well pay the price of your wisdom and advice.

Don't you think it might be "safer" to simply "obey orders" for a while, while YOU are in training and learning the ropes yourself?

YOU are not the first, nor sadly the last, to lower your own standards and values in response to HORMONES. Shall we complicate things with "marital suicide" now, or should we take the consequences of our action and attempt to correct them, learn from them, and NOT keep doing the same things while expecting a different result.

In short, you are married and you are NOT an "Army of One," you are "one flesh" and DON'T do things that are designed to DESTROY, not build up, a marriage.

Do NOT try to "justify" or "lessen" the hard reality of YOUR choice by getting your wife to climb down into the mudpit with you. All that will happen is that you will both get "dirty." Not exactly how one goes about "serving and protecting" the innocent, other Americans, or especially those we love.

Now go and do the right thing, as Dr. Laura says.

God bless.

arbnlver76,

Your post really struck a chord with me.

We have wayward spouses come here with all kinds of attitude, but yours is the first I’ve seen in four months that is all about a double negative.

Tell me that you don’t really want to drag your W’s morals down any more than already have.

Tell me that you don’t seriously think that destroying her sense of self worth will make your marriage better.

You’re fighting for our country? Why? For my family? Hopefully there’s more in it for you than just a paycheck. Your fighting for your own family first I hope. Now if you would dodge bullets fired at you from complete strangers in a place that nobody fully understands the meaning of our occupation, then why in the hel! wouldn’t you want to do the right thing for someone that you obviously loved with all of your heart at one time. You still love her, you are just in the FOG right now.

You have imposed enough negativity on this poor woman that you are married to. Call her up and ask her to help drag you up the mountain of morality instead of you throwing her off the side of it. Lean into her for help.

You do not want to impose the type of guilt on her that you are feeling yourself do you? I hope not. You are confused and reaching for something that will ease your own pain. Turning your wife into a cheap slut is not going to help anything out. Suck up and call her and be a man about your mistake.

Keep your [censored] in your pants while you are out of country and come home to work on the only REAL important thing in your life.

Don’t throw your child’s future away.
Don’t throw away the future of your marriage. Not this way at least.

Plank.

You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to save your marriage, right? Good, glad we cleared that up.


She's asking you this because she wants REASSURANCE from you. She wants you to tell her not to date this guy, don't fall in love with him, don't go "all the way", etc. She wants to hear from you that YOU STILL CARE for her and the marriage.

You have some work to do mister. Time to buck up and get moving. Your wife has already made it clear that she is willing to stay with you and work with you to make your marriage better. THIS IS A GIFT, do not toss it away like it means nothing.

You worry that you may not be able to forgive yourself. In time, with her support and some counseling most likely for the both of you (the Harleys are GREAT by the way) you can find peace again.

Yes, this will be challenging. Yes, you will find some obstacles. But the reward is A LOVING FAMILY that you can trust with your heart. Nothing else can compare to that.

So, what are you waiting for?

P.S. Is it over with this OW you had an affair with? Do you still have contact with her?

I want to thank all the people that have respnded to my post and especially the ones that were informational not just badgering me for what I have done or asked my wife to do.

Yes, I feel really bad for what I did and trust me the OW is out of the picture completely. For all those that think I am doing something over here in Iraq that is nearly impossible in my job and I would never want to cause that pain I did to my wife again. I just feel so hopeless because I have not told anyone of this situation over here with me and my wife and needed to vent somewhere where I could get opinions if I am asking my wife to do the right things.

In no way would I ever want to "pimp" my wife out or make her a slut like some people have suggeested. That is disgusting people are even thinking that way. My wife is more about me proving my love to her when I get back not just words I can type to her in e-mail and my words on the phone. She wants to see action an the only way that can happen is if I am home, which I wont be for awhile.

So I am not asking her to go and purposely find another man or to date a lot of guys. She has an opportunity to meet and become friends with a guy that is going through the same problem she is. His wife cheated twice and he is separated from her. I figured my wife could talk to him and get a males perspective on how he feels. Since me and my wife are different in so many ways (not that I dont want to try to fix it, but cant till I get home) and this guy seems similar to her I wanted her to talk to him. I want my wife happy and to not have to worry about me everytime I leave or go out. I want her needs and desires met 100%.

I thank everyone for the posts that made sense and will stop feeling sorry for myself and get my marriage on track again and be that husband she wants.

You are setting your wife up with a man who is willing to go out with a married woman...

What kind of man is that? A good influence for your son? Someone who is willing to date a married woman...

think about it

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be. Also thankyou for your service over there, and please know that the American people are very grateful for your sacrifice.

Now for the bad part. You are all messed up. What are you thinking, man? You have a son to raise. Please talk to your chaplain, and let him know your thoughts. Something is just now right here.

I hope you will keep reading and posting here. It really helps.

Is this the same "Dr Laura" who has the PhD in Physiology yet makes millions of dollars insulting desperate pathetic callers daily on her syndicated talk show.

Wasn't it a "slice of heaven" when Howard Stern exposed "Dr Laura" for the fraud she is???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, now that was a great day in Media history.....

Lem

arbnlover76:

For the record, I believe this is all a subconscious ploy by yourself to appease your guilt and conscious.....seems pretty simple to me.....This is more about helping you "feel better" than helping your wife....but that is ok....you here, your asking questions, your getting good advice...so you'll benefit from it in the end.

Lem

arbnlver76,

I have been reading over your post serveral times and I am not expert I have only been here for a short while but something isnt right here. Listen to the experts on this board but I can tell you what the army has done so far to help me and FWH and maybe this can help you and your wife out some too.
My FWH is over there too. Once he found out that I knew he felt guilty he didnt want me to go and talk to some other guy. He went and he talked to the chaplain and he talked to his commanding sgts for someone to talk to, they have helped us out greatly...Have you told them? I know it might get you in trouble but if you need someone to talk to it might be worth it (dunno its up to you) Also your wife should be able to go to ACS (army community service) they will provide her with the IC that she needs and they will watch your son while she is there with a consuelor. I know how hard it is being so many miles away. My FWH has just done minor things to help reassure me that he is working on our marriage. Today I got a box, he is sending things home in there was a voice recording of how sorry he was, how he wanted to take back what he did. He has written me love letters maybe that could help your wife? Everyone is different but for the most part listen to the experts here. I wish you and your wife the best. Take care over there....Thanks for your service from one military famiy to another!

Thank you everyone for posting on my problem, many of you have given me some very helpful information and I want to thank you. I have seen the errors in my ways and just want my wife happy. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just be the husband my wife deserves and for my son. I have told my wife to sign us up for counseling when I return so we can work out our problems and for me to work my own out to. I appreciate all the advice and hope everyone has great Thanksgiving. Please do not forget all the soldiers around the world that can not be home for the holidays this year and say a little extra prayer for them. Thanks.

arb,

It does look like you have received the feedback you needed. I'm glad to see that you plan to go to counseling when you get back also.

Now, this is all coming from a former soldier. I've seen this all before. My WW tried to set me up also. I beleive it is the guilt that gets you to do this. All it's going to do is make it all that much more worse. I refused anything like that coming from my WW. I found it disgusting. It may also be an attempt to bring your wife more down to your level.

Right now you say you want what's best for your wife. You should also want what's best for your son and family. This will only tear your son apart. Get it together and get her back and work on the marriage. That is what she wants and she is waiting.

I have one son also. I would do anything to have the opportunity to bring my family back together. You atleast have that opportunity. Don't waste it.

Just remember that when you are on your death bed and you look back at your life can you say you did everything you could or did you just give up?

Remember, "No one is more professional than I".