I have been wondering...Some WS act like their usual self during the A (you could never guess anything is going on), others become more loving (even give expensive presents), others become emotionally unavailable (growing distant by the day), and others, like my H, become mean (going from loving spouses to cruel monsters in no time).

So are these different types of FOG or ...?

I think they are different types of people. Mine alwasy was the loving H then turned into the cruel monster. I think the ones that are cruel monsters are the ones eaten up by guilt. I think the FOG turns them into different people. That is my thought anyway.

I think you are right, but I think the real fog does not start to get thick until after d-day. Mine was a little different, but she really changed after d-day and turned into a real alien. In fact the alien stage was the worst about 2 weeks after d-day.

I agree my H was a little distant but then became very mean after his ONS. I knew something was bothering him but I never started investigating until the end of the month and thats when i found out and confronted him. After that he wasnt a mean person just distant for a while. Now its all getting better by each day.

I had no idea anything was going on until maybe a week before D-day, and I did not suspect an A until the day before d-day. But boy, after D-day, he became a completely different person, foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog and times (dealing with exposure)

The weirdest thing I have ever seen. Very vindictive, angry, spewing such vile hatred, amazing stuff.

I wondered bout this myself, because mine turned into a self serving inconsiderate monster. He is a man so he has always been a tad self serving and inconsiderate, but this was to a destructive degree. Seems to me now he was bend on destroying our marriage without giving me a anwser why? IE I am involved with OW. I toyed with an idea to that he even thought to make me hate him so it would be easier/ less guilt for himself????? Now he is a different kind of Fog, all torn up and hurt for the things that he's done–as such to my mind withdrawn. I do not really appreciate this because I do not see it as constructive in repairing and or recovery and am trying to help him move through this. He has said he can not say he is sorry enough and I accept this, IE forgive, but now seems to me he is bent on beating himself up. If I was a lesser person I be enjoying this!

my FWH was very distant during the affair. emotionally unavailable would be a good description, with just an underlying hint of anger that i couldnt work out. After d-day he fell into the depths of despair like what Sleeplessiniowa decribed. I didnt particualry appreciate it either, infact it made me quite angry. He seemed much more concerned with his pain and the mess he had made of his life than he ever did with my pain and what he had done to me.

I guess i saw that stage as just an extension of the its "all about me" behavior that brought the affair into being in the first place.

Carolyn

He is a man so he has always been a tad self serving and inconsiderate,

you might want to rolllll this thought around on your tongue a little...

sit with it so to speak....

ARK^^

Ark I will do as you say, & forgive me, it was wrong of me to generalize as in stereo-type all men in this manner, this has only been from my own experiences–limited they may be, my father and 4 brothers and H ( we were childhood sweethearts).

Carolyn, please tell me how did you deal with this? The after A fog and how long was he in it? It killing me this way. How hard it is not to get angry at him. Its almost like emotional blackmail–& yet another way to avoid the issues.

Consider yourself hugged,

sleepless..
you require no forgiveness...

you need to see where your expectations are and see why you would ever ever tolerate a self serving spouse and inconsiderate spouse....

just because something is what may be known to you..
doesn't mean it is good for YOU....

please don't apologize....
work it through....
this might be an awakening
ARK

umm, i didnt do a very good job dealing with it. i jumped between impatientence, contempt and anger and compassion and understanding.

In the end i dragging him to the doctors to get on anti depressants. they helped stabalise him but he was probably still in his poor me phase for a good year.

emotional blackmail - that is a good description. that is excatly how it felt!

Thanks Ark, I am a work in progress at this point.

Carolyn, bless you for responding. K I am where you were at and yes my H is doing the anti depressants–I took him too. At his worst he seemed bent or at least convincing me he was suicidal–of course this stemmed off my own anger and I have been able to get a better grip on myself since. He is doing better himself, as in no longer suicidal but tragically sad all the time. I am glad to hear there is hope though do not know if I can handle this for a year. But I guess it is unrealistic to think either one of us are going to get past this and recovered in a hurry.

I wonder though did your H’s own anger in defense of himself show itself while he was spending time in the pit of despair ( think Princess Bride here)? I get this on a rare occasion, you know it is like a glimpse of the monster he once was while active in the A. He never stays long–gone in a flash, but got to know this is the one I really like to have a talk with.

funny you should say that. His depression did worsen the more my anger was displayed. I saw that as manipulation on his part. it worked too i am sad to say. i stopped displaying my feeling to him. he said it overloaded him. that he couldnt deal with my condemnation. he only seemed to want to here me tell him how everything was going to be ok.

his anger did come out during that time too. actually it was more of a rage. We lost a good saucepan, a cordless phone and a laptop to it. at least he took it out on inanimate objects, lol. it seemed to come out when something i had said made him feel guilty. The thought process seemed to be he felt guilty, so he got defensive, so he got angry/enraged. i am guessing it was a deflection technique.

hugs

carolyn

Thanks Carolyn, well mine has not smashed anything yet, but did raise his fist to me-- this was two weeks back. He was real quick to check himself and contrite in a horrified way afterwards. Scared me, because two weeks before he ask for the separation he had hit me. No, this had never ever happened before and was a pretty good clue that all was not right in our world and the reason I let him go without a fight when he ask to go. Here’s were I admit I provoked him two weeks ago, no doubts with my own anger. No, no excuse for him, and bad on my part, maybe in my own way I was testing him to see if that monster still lurks behind his fragile demeanor.

We had a discussion about this in the calm after the storm were in he has promised never to raise his fist to me again and I have promised not to provoke him. Does the monster still live, I think so. So am I fully buying into this “fragile state” no. But he does seem to want to work on our marriage in as much as we can while he is feeling so sorry for himself. He broke it off with OW– 3 1/2 mth ago, d-day was 2 ½ months ago and she obviously still wants him back and he is still here with me. So I am counting the plus(s) in the mist of all the negatives right now.


Consider yourself hugged,

That describes my WW exactly! The underlying anger does come out with little provocation of course and she curses in ways she never did.

"I think they are different types of people."

So do you think that the different types of fog are determined by the personality of the person and their individual coping styles, or could it be that are determined by the type of A (EA vs PA, or exit A, accidental A, romantic A,...)?

Good question. I’d be interested to know what others opinions are. I am going to go with personality. Got to think their true nature has got to show in some form, regardless of where they are at. But I really do consider my FWH was from another world while he was active in A. I see others here describing it as if their WS had been abducted and an alien too k their place ! I so agree! I did not know him at all. But the man I knew before A, had a type A personality--I am in here charge here, and he had the qualifications to back it up, but he also had toned down softer qualities like a willingness to listen to others and consider other feelings--most of the time. I know this guy that I am living with now, even though we are still strangers as we struggle to find recovery. I guess the most remarkable thing I recognize about him now is that he can be decent again– those softer qualities are back into place. He is not “normal” though because that type A- I am in charge here” part of his personality is not in place. I think it is in hidding. I see glimpses of it when he gets angry though, which is very rare cause he is on a pit of despair still.

Say, don't forget the BS Fog.

Some of us BS have been in it for years and years...

with prayers,

sleeplessiniowa,

My H is also tyoe A personality. I wonder if this type of personality has a tendency to become mean when in an A. My H was cruel for about five weeks before d-day, after telling me he didn't know if he loved me anymore. After d-day he reverted to his normal self all of the sudden. The time when he was mean to me is when the A was going on. It ended on d-day, I think.

Aphelion,

What is the BS fog?

Hi Lealas,

Well I have had to unravel all of this–cause of his loss of memory a few days after d-day. When he was talking he was telling the truth he just left out a lot of details–I suspect to protect my feelings or his own hid! I have used a calender and paper trail and got a lot of info from the OW in the one and only conversation–phone call I answered from her. That said, I think you are on to something there. Not that type A has the monopoly on mean cruelness as such is the nature of most A and WSs I think as a means to defend and protect what they deem as their right while in the fog of a active A. But my dh is a hard man by nature, but prior to the A he had always had a “face” he would show us –the kids and I, and then the face he showed the world. Thanks to my investigation the dates do correlate, this cruelness only came on after he was involved, and we got the face he showed the world that was intensified to a unrecognizable degree.

Aphelion, I was wondering about BS fog myself yesterday when I caught your post. But on careful consideration I guess we do go into a fog of our own as sorts. Its hard to define though because it all seems to melt into a description of “hurt” which leads to the side affects of desperation, depression, anger and then if we are lucky, resolution and resolve. The point being we get lost too, right, at least until we can find some resolution and resolve.

Consider yourselves hugged,