As many of you know, my FWW and I have been in recovery now for about four months. The recovery has been good and most of the rollercoaster now seems to be my own mood swings. We have both changed immensely and are meeting each other most important EN's all the time. We are both very happy, very much in love and committed to spending all the time together that is possible.

Early on in the process, as is typical after D-Day my wife was not completely honest about the events that occurred, when, how, etc. After I laid down the boundary that the only way that our marriage would survive would be if both of us had complete radical honesty and after this was confirmed by her IC, she really opened up and was willing to discuss anything that I wanted to know. She assures me all the time that if I want to talk about something else, that she will be open with me.

That was about three months ago. We worked through the major things and I have already been through the stages of denial, anger, rage, insecurity, etc. Mostly now what I feel about the A is ambivalence, particularly in regards to the OM. I no longer want to hurt him and rarely even think much about him.

I have a question. At some point, we need to quit discussing the A and really move forward. Although my FWW is open to discussing anything more with me, I haven't brought anything up except for a joke or two along the way in the last several weeks. However, there are a couple of minor little hitches in the story that still don't make complete sense. I told her that I have been thinking about these and that I felt like I couldn't just forget them and move on. My fear is that somehow I have a need to keep the A in the forefront (even though it ended 11 years ago but D-Day was just four months ago). I have thought long and hard about what my motivations are for continuing to want to discuss this. I am not doing it out of resentment or revenge, I just feel like that the pieces of the puzzle that are still floating around have to be put someplace so that they don't come back to the forefront all the time.

Anyone have any experience with this? Will there always be some unanswered questions even with the WS has been completely honest? How do I get those ideas to the backburner since they are insiginficant and may at some point hinder our tremendous progress in recovery?

NT

NT,

Although I am not in recovery,I do have a few thoughts to share if I may.

After spending a lot of time reading the R forum,it seems to me that 4 months is not long at all to start quieting your mind about the A.You can stop asking when you are ready to stop.And your FWW should be supportive.I don't think there is one magical day where you have to be done and that's it,never broach the subject again.The A was such an immense tragedy in your lives that the door should always be able to be opened(not locked) to quell fears,don't you think?

Most BS's IMO don't revisit these things unless its bothering them,not out of revenge or because they want to make the WS pay for eternity.I think most people as a BS just need to be sure anything that comes up is dealt with so it can't fester.That to me is healthy.

When I read threads from posters who are long past the A and into a long and healthy R for years,I think those questions stop coming and the rest of your life together as a married couple is the main focus.



I don't necessarily think this is true.There are no stupid questions or insignificant issues to deal with.Most people can eventually get past the A and all it's turmoil if they are *satisfied once and for all that there is nothing left to be said about it.Until then keep on exploring and dealing.

Sounds like things are going very well for you and your FWW at this point and so early too.That is great.Hope it continues~

Thanks for listening.

O