The divorce papers should be ready this week. Just an initial petition for D and a temp order of support thing. I am not sure that I want a D, I really do love the man I thought he was, but...

He has been out of the house for two months, acting like a bg gooberhead with regards to money and the kids. He is still living in a motel, hasn't signed a lease on an apt yet. Has seen a lawyer, but has not retained one. He says he is not in contact with OW, they are in an emotional cooling off period. But, he wants a D regardless of what happens with him and OW.

He seems miserable to all who see him, including the kids. He did tell OD that this separation did not work out exactly like he planned, but that coming home was not easy. (OD is 8yo, so this all comes through the 8yo filter)

Before I sign and file, I feel the need to call him - one more time - just to make sure that he has no intentions of coming home. If he again, says no, I will let him know that papers will be filed that day and he can pick them up or be served. I would like him to know that the A does not have to be the end, but his refusal to be M is a bit of a problem.

Is there any point in making this call one more time? I think he knows I want the M, as of last time we spoke about it (several weeks ago). Is this just a sick need to feel him rip my heart out again? Is there any way to pose this question quickly and effectively?

I do want to let him know I am filing, and give him the option of picking up the papers himself. Do I even bother asking him if he cares if I file?

I am basically filing to get the financials in order, he has not been very forthcoming with $$ since his departure.

TIA

I am not sure that I want a D,
If you don't want one, I highly suggest you don't file until you do want one, especially since it has only been a few months.

Thanks Chris, but we will go hungry waiting on him to become financially responsible. I can file and then "sit" on the D for up to a year. I am a SAHM who is at his financial mercy, that is why I need something to happen.

A legal separation could be a way to go. This could address anyt financial issues as well as leaving the door open for reconciliation.

I agree with Chris...

I have been told by three lawyers that in TN, a LS costs the same as a D and does not necessarily set a precedence for $ and custody issues.

If I could not sit on it for a year, I would be more cautious. But I am in finacial straits here. I am literally selling vehicles for grocery money. He won't file because he knows it will cause him to pay alimony and CS. Right now, he thinks he has me by the pocketbook. My family has loaned me the money for the retainer, I can't keep asking them for $ for food and stuff.

I was told that, too, by lawyers in my state. If I had listened to the "big-time" lawyer that I initially consulted, I would be divorced by now. He/They assume that most people want a divorce and are not pro-marriage.

I did not want a divorce. I knew that. I found a lawyer that wrote up a legal separation agreement for me that my FWH gladly signed....

He will be bound to abide by the Legal Separation Agreement..

Only do what YOU want to do...not what a lawyer wants you to do...

Don't allow anyone to manipulate you..the lawyer's manipulation felt just like what my then WH was doing to me..

I was calling all the shots in my life at that time...

I know you already gave the Lawyer a retainer, so I'm not sure you can back out now can you Jean?

Can you get temp order of alimony as well as CS with the filing for divorce?

If you can sit on it for a year, I wouldn't see a problem with it, it could be withdrawn any time between then should you and H decide to reconcile.

I wonder how long a LS can be in effect? Would it be effective for longer than a year?

What really would be the difference between LS versus Divorce filing, as far as temp orders for alimony and CH goes?

Lady

Ladysheep, I haven't signed the papers yet, they are not ready. The only difference in LS and D, from what I understand, is that with LS, I would have to pay again to get the D if it goes that way.

If we are going to reconcile, it can happen after the D as well as before IMO.

My question was not whether I should file something, it was should I call him one more time to let him have another stab at my heart. Or just hit him out of the blue with being served.

I don't think you should call him. You have both discussed it before. It was just a matter of....when.

And it will probably just end up in an argument any way.

You are taking a stand right now, he shouldn't expect you to sit back and wait for him to do something on his own, because he won't.

It is a shame he hasn't held up to his responsibilities, now he has to have a judge tell him what to do. I feel he pushed you to this point Jean. No need to explain another thing to him. Let your lawyer do the talking from now on.
Don't say a word.

Hoping for the best,
Lady

I've always been into 'shock & awe" and would serve without calling him.

HOWEVER-- I have a feeling that,for your own sake, you need to ask him one more time. Are you worried that if you do not call you will wonder and regret it later? If so, call.

If your WH is continuing in his A, calling him will likely do no good whatsoever.

Are you in Plan A or Plan B?

From a legal standpoint for you right now, there may be no difference between a LS and a D. However, from a MBing POV there is a big difference...in terms of the message that you will send..

In PLAN B, you give the message that you are willing to reconcile if and when your WS ends the A. To me, you send a different message to the WS, if you file for D, during PLAN B when you have the option of protecting yourself financially with a LS...

A D is not meant to be easily undone, IMO..It is what it is...The end of a marriage...

Of course reconciliation can occur but not as easily as if there had not been a D...

I am still in plan A. Our contact is limited to two phone calls lasting maybe 5 minutes tops a week, and a front porch pass off of the kids.

So there is no LBing going on, but no EN's met either.

I don't know the status of the A, last I heard, they were still in the "3 month cooling off period". If what he is saying is true, he has not spoken to her for about a month now. But the girls said he is on the phone all the time, they just don't know who with.

I guess I keep waiting for him to have a lightbulb moment, and I thought that if he knew I had the D papers ready, that might be the kick in the rear he needs. But honestly, probably not. And I deserve him to want me, not just be afrid of the financial ramifications of D.

Amen.
Yes you do.

Jean:

That's a long "wait" you'll likely have...."lightbulb" moments rarely happen.....Legal Divorce, separation? I am not sure of the answer for you....The issue IMHO is the protection of your daughters...your cheating husband has already shown that he is not capable of doing what is right for them financially and emotionally......NOW

They don't have the luxury for you to "wait" for the lightbulb to come on......they have needs (financial $$ that require your action)...you do what you need to do to make that happen.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I mentioned separation as something to look into (not that you should do it) since you wrote you don't necessarily want a divorce.

I have been told by three lawyers that in TN, a LS costs the same as a D and does not necessarily set a precedence for $ and custody issues.
It might not set a precedence for a divorce but it will address the financial issues.

I know you already gave the Lawyer a retainer, so I'm not sure you can back out now can you Jean?p
Giving a lawyer a retainer simply means you are paying him up front for his services, whatever they may be. You can walk away, change direction or whatever.
If you give a $5000 retainer and it only costs $1000, you would get back $4000. He does not get to keep what he does not earn.

Jean:

IMO, if you want to work towards the option of Recovery of your marriage, it would be best to do Plan B with a Legal Separatiion...

That's what I did and simply tore up the Legal Separation papers when my FWH and I reconciled...

You do need to protect yourself financially..

However, strategically, from a MB POV, it would be best not to send the message that filing for D sends...

At this point, who knows, your WH might welcome a D, rationalizing to himself that you don't want him anyways...it's hard to determine how a WS is thinking...well they aren't thinking...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I agree with this above , assuming that the Legal Separation affords the innocent children the financial protection and support that a Wayward Husband usually does NOT provide.....Mimi, keep in mind were NOT talking about YOUR WH here and what HE did in your separation. Jean's WS has more than showed his hand here.

Does the LS have the same backing and legal enforcement as the Divorce and CS order? If it does, why sign for a Divorce (especially if you don't want one), when the LS is just as good considering what you want it for (finanial support for the kids and yourself.

My view is that protection of the children's NEEDS are the highest priority here....do what needs to be done to ensue their financial support.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So I guess the real question is - do I want a divorce??

My answer to that for today is - I am not willing to live broke, celibate, lonely and constantly on edge about the other shoe dropping, on the chance that my WH may realize what is happening to his family. I am comfortable assuming that he is completely aware of the ramifications of his actions, and he has made a clear decision on who he wants to be. And I am making a choice not to be married to that person anymore.

On the off chance that he is just not sure how to make it back home, and I clearly invite him home again, I am just not sure that I have the balls to stick it out for recovery. Nothing in our 15 year history leads me to believe that he has the balls either.

My original question was not whether or not to divorce him, but thanks to all who made me look at that question.

I will miss the man I thought he was, I honestly think that he will too.

You know Jean, re-read what you have said above......it struck me as being very insightful......what was your husbands character and action of the 15 years of marriage? Many times, we all get acught up in talking about "fog" and "aliens" and fail to realize that through our own revisionist history we have been living with the "alien" our whole marriage.

Some people "are what they are".....the tough task is to tell the difference.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />