OK...we are through with mediation and now its just all in the paperwork and lawyers hands...

My wife had an affair (not her first) with a married man at work. She is only listening to him and no one else. The other night, she called and questioned my manhood, "Be a man for God sakes..." when she found out I was confiding in a mutual friend about our problems.

She has also questioned my manhood for not beating her boyfriend up when I found out. Believe me, I wanted to...however what would it have gotten me, made me feel good, put me in jail, I would have had his doctor bills to pay, and my kids would have been embarrassed to the extreme.

I want to call her and explain, I have tried at every turn to take the high road...not calling him, not talking to her about him or us. Concentrating on me and my kids instead of her.

I do still care about her and feel she is making a huge mistake with this "player" she is seeing. He has had multiple affairs on his wife (still married) and she has on me. I want to warn her but she will probably not listen. She is working with him and she says he is getting a divorce. Sounds like a match made in heaven doesn't it?

My councilor has said, don't call him and don't call her about anything other than the kids. The man in me wants to call her and explain that I am being a true man by taking the high road throughout this divorce. Giving her, to a ponit, what she has asked for, moving out of the house...etc.

Should I take my councilors advice and not say anything more to her...and take the high road? Or should I kick his ***, yell at her about how foolish she is, and feel good for a breif moment?

I think I know the answer but would be interested in comments.

Confused and hurting,

Rufus33

The high road is always the best road to take!! Has the best view too!! Nothing gets their goat more than knowing they are not having an effect on you. Stand tall and know you are doing the right thing.

Good Luck!

Does his wife know that he is having an affair?

She has known about affairs in the past and has stayed with him. I dont think her knowing will make any difference.

High road, no doubt. May seem somewhat unsatisfying now, but it will be later.

"Be a man for God sakes..." when she found out I was confiding in a mutual friend about our problems.


This is not meant to question your manhood so much as it is to get you to shut up and stop airing her dirty laundry. This is a comment that wreaks of guilt.

Or should I kick his ***, yell at her about how foolish she is, and feel good for a breif moment?


And this makes you appear to be a man how??? You don't need to be John Wayne to be a man. Don't let her idiotic comments drive your train. A man drives his own train.

I would go by the MB plan and notify his wife.

Im sorry...new at this..what is the MB plan?

The starting point is Plan A. You can read all about it here. It includes exposure of the affair, and showing her that you would be the more attractive alternative.

I use to throw "be a man" out at my WH - what I was referring to was stand up and be a man of morals and standards. I guess your WW was referring to "take my A's like a man" "accept my behavior"- if you were a "man" you wouldn't need to tell anyone - you'd just suck up..and not shed a tear or show heartache over her selfish behaviour.

Why would she want you to beat-up her BF??? Would this end her A w/him? Would that "make you a man" in her eyes? Is she just looking for attention from you???

I did follow some of the MB principles and exposed my WH A's and it only made my life worse. WH did not stop he just found new woman to engage with.


Sounds like your WW is involved w/my WH - LOL...\
No she won't listen to you - she thinks "they are special" "she's different than the many MOW he's had A's with..You and I both know she's not different..and he'll probably never D his wife..and if he's like my WH he's got more than one OW/MOW he's involved with - though, they don't think he's seeing anyone but them..LOL..



Well, I've done it both ways - exposed, called the OW and their BS and I've also given him the I don't care anymore - high road attitude..Sorry to say - neither worked for me..I was a B**** when I exposed and I was given the "you built a wall, you've moved on" lecture. Sometimes, you just can't win..Looking back I think on D-day - I should have just walked out and shut him out..though, they may not have worked either...

HUGS

Rufus,
A true man takes the high rode. It might be hard to do but definitly better.Don't play into her hand.
keith

I would just like to thank all of you...I am going to print this thread off and use it as inspiration for KEEPING on the HIGH ROAD!

THANK YOU ALL.

Rufus33

my interpretation of being a man, is not taking that behavior from my wife, is just to file, and if she asks AFTER FILING, just reply, "A good man doesn't have to take this kind of abuse from his wife."

being a man only means standing up for what you believe is right for your life. . . um, and its really only gender specific when being used in manipulation. ..

wiftty

Rufus,
My H was a TOTAL jerk during our divorce, still is...and oh, wait, he was as a H too!
Here's what I told myself:
1) I could play his games and make myself miserable, or I could be the kind of person I know I am-reasonable and rational. I was, he never was, and I can't change what he did/is, but you know, I can look myself in the mirror now and I'm GREAT with how I handled everything. I still lost a lot because of the court system, but I will ALWAYS have my dignity-worth more than any amount of money!
2) I've seen others play the game and let their emotions ge the best of them, despite the best advice. You lose, either way.
3) I'm betting, that because she is so far gone, it doesn't matter what you would do! TRUST ME!!! At this point, in her eyes, you probably can't do ANYTHING right, and if you kicked his a$$, it probably would be too much, not enough, or you should have punched him on the right cheek instead of the left!
4) The high road is the best road-the view IS better because you ARE rational and reasonable. You can see it all. When your down on that low road you can only see the road, not what's to come. I'm glad that you understand consequences, that tells me you ARE a man. It's children who don't understand the consequences of their actions! (hmmm... who sounds like the mature one here?!)
Do what will make you able to look yourself in the eye...it sounds like she's gone, so it's time to take care of yourself! That begins with some self-respect!
My best wishes to you...keep us posted! Stay out of jail! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Rufus,

You're right, this is confusing and it hurts. Your therapist is right about not contacting him or being violent. Calling his wife and informing her may not be a bad idea. You can't really know his marital situation can you?

Your wife apparently knows your soft spot is the "man" department. Explore that later on in life and close your ears to her juvenile stuff for now. Much of what she says will be found in the Handbook for Infidels - that means they all say pretty much the same things. Leave the fist fight to the peoples on Springer.

It sounds like you want the marriage and you've found the right place to support that. Read all you can here and take advantage of the counceling. What your therapist suggested is what would be termed "Plan B" here. That is what follows "Plan A". So your therapist would have you miss a recovery step and perhaps is not experienced with the problem of infidelity. Read as much of this site as you possibly can, and try to do the best Plan A ever done.

If you have left your home, I am from the "get back there now" crowd. The infidel leaves the home, not the children, and not the betrayed spouse. Living apart will not recover a marriage, ever.

Now read and resd some more. Keep posting too. You may redefine "man" after meeting some of the great men here.

Take Care,
IS

Have you exposed the affair to her family?

My situation is very different from yours.. I'm trying to save my marriage now, although I initiated the divorce, which will be final (if nothing snags it) in 9 days.

Without getting into my specifics - this is your thread, I share your struggle with what to do. I've resolved that taking the high road is the ONLY way to go if I want to save my marriage.

Taking the low road, in my case, might screw things up for H's current relationship, but it wouldn't do a thing to further my attempts to save my marriage and my family. Rather, I'm holding my head high, taking care of myself, and praying for things to change for the better. It's really hard to stand by and let your spouse self-destruct (because that is what she is doing), but acting out on your darkest feelings about it won't make you feel any better, and it won't do any good in the long run, aside from perhaps a bit of momentary satisfaction, that will be cancelled when the consequences of your actions present.

Believe me, in my mind I've concocted a dozen different ways to throw a wrench into things... but I won't do any of them because it's not the right thing to do, and it would do more to damage things than it would to repair them.

My H had an EA about 10 years ago... while we in MC, no less... I found out well after it was over (chat logs in our computer - I nearly died when I read them - I had no idea it was going on at the time), and I confronted OW (or should I say, Other Girl - she was 14 years younger than WH).. I sent her a scathing email and let it all hang out - I held nothing back. It felt good at the time, and I have no regrets for having done so, but the dynamics of my situation were different then, than they are now. I'm not apart from my husband now because of an affair. Now to do such a thing wouldn't be appropriate under my circumstances, because his current relationship began after we separated, and even after I moved on with someone else(and that made me realize I wanted to try again with my husband). Once that EA was exposed and dealt with, H and I reconciled - there was no separation at that time. Now, we have been separated for some time with D around the corner, so the dynamics are totally different this time around.

Be the man - don't be a doormat. Just do it with your head held high because in the end, you'll know in your heart that you did things the right way, no matter what the outcome.

Best of luck - I know it's hard, but everything worth doing, is tough.

H2U

After a lonely Thanksgiving, I have come to the conclusion that my stbx is so mean and hateful toward me right now, she is actually making it easier to get over her. At every opportunity, she is meeting up with her married boyfriend.

I have moved out of the house and have no intentions of moving back. Emotionally I cannot move back into that house while she is still calling him and seeing him. I would go crazy.

Yes, her family knows her side of the story and to be honest, they will ultimately believe her (blood is thicker than water). I have had candid discussions with my brother in law and he does believe me. She is only telling her family that she has a friend at work, they are not doing anything (lie, and I have proof)...Im a jealous [censored] and we are getting a divorce.

After two affairs, I honestly don't know if I can take her back, even if she wanted me to. There is a pattern here after all and trusting her would be something I probably could not accomplish no matter how many counciling sessions.

I agree with most of you when you say the high road, and not picking a fight. It is just her being unemotional, acting like she doesn't care about me or my feelings, and truely hateful behavior have me angry, bitter and hurt.

Rufus33

Rufus, Sorry for what you're going through. Much of what is recommended here at MB is counterintuitive, but it's proven more effective than what feels "right" to us. What you're calling the "high road" is more or less what MB calls "plan A". With your WW actively engaged in the A, pushing your buttons, and living apart, you're probably ready for "plan B", which means writing her a letter telling her that in order to preserve the love you have for her you have to end contact until she ends relationship with OM. It also requires setting up an intermediary for business matters. Usually, we are meeting certain ENs without realizing it while OP meets others. This gives her a chance to sink or swim with the OM, allows you a chance to heal, and prevents continued exposure to her "affair fog" behavior from destroying the love you have left for her. There are many examples of Plan B letters on this website.

While reading about plan B, I'd recommend reading as much as you can about MB. You might also post on GQII since it's much busier, most haven't yet made the decision to divorce, there are lots of old timers there with excellent advice, and many success stories. Here on D/D, you'll find stories of success despite divorce, but you won't find stories of successful marriage restoration.

Hang in there, Rufus. Your feelings are normal for a BS and your wife's behavior is also "normal" for a WS.