Hi my first post here. need some advise. Been married for 7 yrs, together 11, we have a 9 yr old son and another one expected in Jan. My H had a one night stand with a coworker when I was pg with our first child before we were married, they thought I was sleeping but came downstairs to discover them in the act! extremely painful experience, but it ended right there, I kicked her out, called her husband, she quit working there and we eventually moved towns. He was extremely remorseful "blaming" the incident on alcohol, and set out to prove his love for me and we ended up married 2 yrs later. He has always been very loving, thoughtful and to the best of my knowledge faithful, we are best friends. about 2 wks ago I discovered he had enrolled in a computer dating service, his bio went like this: 31 yr old typical bored husband looking for a sex buddy on the side, very discreet, not looking to change my life just someone to get together occasionally for sex. Shocked and totally blown away I decided to enroll in the dating club and communicate with him to see how far he would take this, I started emailing him back and forth and now we have a "date" set up for tonight! He is obviously going to come home disapointed as his hot sexy nympho gal toy will stand him up and I will confront him then with the truth. I have read every piece of marriagebuilders and am eager to fix this marriage. We had a big fight the other day over his use of porn on the net and promised me he wouldn't go there again. I don't get it we have a healthy sex life, aprox every second day, he tells me all the time how much he loves me and yet is looking for a secret life outside of ours that would tear us apart.
thoughts? I will reply again tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

Hope I'm not too out of line here, but since you have a date scheduled with your husband..... I'd show up if I were you!

THis is an issue that obviously needs to be addressed. You have an opportunity here though in my opinion.

Get a babysitter, get dressed up and show up for your date.

FIM

I'd go one step further. You see, he will try to spin this. He will say "It was all just for fun. I would never meet anyone. I knew it was you, so played along." Stuff like that.

Instead, I'd get a girlfriend he doesnt know to go along, and be the gal. You can wait in the wings of the restaurant or whatever. Then after things have progressed and he starts hinting toward headign "somewhere," she can head to the bathroom and right out the back door. And you can go sit down and begin the talk that needs to happen.

In this way, he really cant try to weasel his way out.

In His arms.

Im so LOL, but it isn't really funny, is it? I agree, BTW. This is your chance to possibly shock your H back into reality. If you are there, he can hardly deny his intent.

I believe there was another thread like this one not too long ago and I think the H actually claimed that he "knew" it was his wife all along. Horse Hockey!!!

IMHO, your H has issues and would probably benefit from IC. After he figures out his issues, I would consider MC to strengthen and affair-proof your M. You may have caught this in time.

Keep us posted!!!

I was thinking the same thing. Show up.

You could play this two ways:

1. Confront and bust him at the rendevous location. He'll be in a position to talk about it and you'll be alone. You'll likely get more out of him immediately when his tail is between his legs.

2. Act suprised and embarrassed as if you were busted. Allow him to feel as though you were secretly meeting up with internet boy for casual sex and you were shocked it was him. Then you approach it as obviously something is wrong with your relationship if both of you are out seeking others. Allow his feathers to rattle over the prospect of losing you or just sharing you with another man. You'll eventually tell him the truth but maybe wait a day.

You may choose to follow through with the "fantasy date" and meet whatever need he is seeking. Prove to him he does not have to go outside the marriage to live out his fantasies.

The later may be a dangerous game that others here will say is crazy. But it may be a way to get inside his head and discuss what he could possible be missing in your relationship. Especially if he thinks your guilty too he may open up that little secret (obviously overactive) sexual fantasy area of his brain that he has learned to keep a secret to the world since he was a 13 year old boy in the bathroom. He may have sexual addiction problems or this may be a one time fantasy. I have no idea. But I assume you do not want to end your marriage with a 9 year old and one on the way.

I know you want to hammer him on this, but is that the best way to marital reconciliation? Busting him with shame and guilt is the easy thing to do. I know you are hurting and emotional right now. I encourage you to tak some time to think about how best to restore your marriage and obtain the intimacy you so desire. Emotional decisions are not always your best decisions.

Maybe miss the date tonight and reschedule for this weekend when you can get a sitter and make a better plan.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- I am a man so feel free to ignore my advice. I am just imagining having a "fantasy date" with my own wife (albeit set up in a more conventional/appropriate manner). Your husband's actions are way, way, way out of line and inappropriate. I am not justifying his actions at all, I am merely trying to objectively look down the road at what best MAY assist you recovering your marriage. I hope I am not being insensitive and apologize if so!!!!

not having any luck finding a sitter so I can go on my "date" so will just have to stick to the plan of confronting him afterward, Any thoughts on why he cheats when I'm pregnant, I've asked him if he finds me unattractive and he says no and I'm being too sensitive. Just a coincidence?

Something is wrong if he is cheating on a pregnant wife.

SCOULAS:

I would open your eyes and mind to the very real possibility (probablitity) that your Husband is a serial cheater. He did this before you were married, and he continues to do so while you are married.

Now, I would have to ask the question of why you married this man knowing that he would do what he did....HAVE SEX with a woman in your own home...Now, IF you believe for a New York minute that this is ONLY the second daliance since his first time being CAUGHT...then I have a piece of property I would like to discuss with you in the Wetlands of Florida...

I have read some of the advice above and will refrain from offering an opinion on this.

I don't understand the need to not let him "weasel" out of anything...his intentions and character have been revealed ALREADY.

If you want to believe that this is another "abberration" of character for him, and simply a "needs" not being met concept, than that is your right....you should fully expect to get what you pay for.

IMVHO, your Wayward Husband gave you a "heads up" years ago....

Goodluck

Lem

I'm sorry, but I am with Lem on this one -
this is more than just a temporary weak moment. this man has cheated before. Ok, so perhaps that time he was just "drinking, and things got carried away." maybe.
but now he is activley seeking a relationship on the side. He has gone onto the computer, and flat out admitted that he wants to "hook up" with someone for sex, while married. That stinks.

He is chatting online, and making plans to get togther for sex, and leave his wife home to care for the children. heck, you haven't even been able to get a babysitter to go out and confront him about it, but he can make plans to come and go as he pleases, most likely having unprotected sex.
And you are only aware of his conversations with you. He could have several others on the line too.

SCoulas, it is not Ok for him to treat you like this! It is not your fault. It has nothing to do with how attractive you are when you are pregnant (I am certain that many people think you are gorgeous!)

Ok, while I am on my soap box, IMVO, porn addiction is a gradual, progressive issue, that will only get worse as time goes by. I know, I know, men are visual, many men look at porm, etc. I believe that many men can look at porn and it does not become a problem. My Ex - and likely your H - started small, and it grew from there. It started as an occasional look at a magazine and progressed to the point where he never read anything but porn, never watched a movie that did not have nudity, and always wanted to video tape me nude, take nude photos, have sex in the front yard where people could watch etc...

when he left for OW it was becuase she "shared his views". Turns out she was only pretending to share his views, and eventually she dumped him.

I remember when he first left I felt like "If only I had been even MORE understaing of his porn, he would have stayed."
I now realize I couldn't have been anymore understanding. he was all ready into it even more than I could imagine.

I can just FEEL your pain.

lem and womanoffaith,
your two opinions seem to be very honest, brutal but worth listening to. I'm not into soap opera scenes which I'm sure would have transpired at the pub if I went anyways. I do not think that any of this is acceptable and when he gets home we will definately be discussing our future together. Is there any chance that we can overcome this though, he is the man I love truly and pray this is something we can get through together. Do you think he is a sex addict?

Ofcourse this is something that you can recover from.....HOWEVER, you are going to have to learn a whole NEW behavior to function in your marriage....Somehow, someway, your WH felt he could do these things to you and your marriage and get away with it. I would have to wonder if he is a sex addict....? If you are asking the question, then there is likely alot more to the story...there usually is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

As an aside, the very fact that your WH had sex right in your home under your nose (literally) says alot to me. He either could NOT control his impulses or he is the dumbest WS out there...or maybe both....

You should read this site and perhaps buy some of the books (you can get them real cheap USED at amazon.com) to learn more about affairs.

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but there is also a strong possibility that your WH's issues (especially if he is indeed a Sex Addict) will NEED a completely different set of recovery principles than those afforded to you by this site. HIs issues with infidelity may be oustide of the scope that we talk about here.

I would advise you to seek some additional counseling/support to help you cope with all of this.

I am not a marriage counselor and am not well versed in the concepts that would recover a marriage given your circumstances...surely, there will be others here who can assist you with some advice.

My advice that I can give you would be the following:

1. I would CEASE any and all Sexual Intercourse with him untill you and him have been tested for all STD's and and he has abstained from sex (including with you) for 6 months.

2. Get Interpersonal Counseling for yourself....call TOMORROW.

It is my opinion, that these 2 "principles" should be employed before you seek to "recover" your marriage after yet another act of infidelity.

Many here may disagree, so be advised of that upfront. You should take any and all advice with a grain of salt (inclusing my own) and discard that advice that you don't feel hopeful to your recovery....and Yes, I do realize that I may be telling you to ignore me...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />, so be it, my advice remains unchanged.

You have no IDEA if this was the 1st or 21st Sexual internet episode your WH has been associated with. If a man is willing to put himself and wife and his unborn child at risk to all of the potentially life altering diseases that are associated with anonymyous sex, than I would STRONGLY reconsider who or WHAT this man is?

To me, "love wouldn't be enough"...but that is JUST ME.

Please take care of yourself.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SCoulas-
Are you out there?
How are you doing???