I moved in my with fiancé 3 months ago. We had dated for one year. He is 45, had never lived with someone else. I am 37, have been married once, divorced 6 years ago. None of us has kids, we both want them.
He is a great guy, with a myriad of interests, with a secure job he has had for 20 years, he has 10 more years to retirement with full benefits. He owns a house, 4 miles away from his work.
I am quite independent, I have lived on 2 continents in three different countries, so I can pursue my research interests. I don’t have a house. My security is my education.
Before I moved in with him I lived a 10 minute walk from work, in a quiet campus area, with all amenities around (if you want, this can also read : I have lived sheltered – and I liked it)
Problems:
The commute:
I commute 1- 1.5 hours one way, in what is one of the most crowded and noisy areas in the US. I leave at 5:45 am and return 12 hours later. There are no jobs in my field closer to home.
The area:
I get home, it is crowded. We go rollerblading – with another million people around. We go biking – passing by 2 industrial plants and one international airport. People in the area are mostly beach bums or snobs (I apologize for judging, but you have to experience it. It’s the kind of place you enjoy on a tourist visit to weird locations).
Home:
Well, the problem here is that it doesn't feel like it. At all. It is his house. Of course, this is the most cited “no-no” in moving-in history. The best is that the two people should move in a new place. We can’t really afford that, or he doesn’t want to. I still have most of my things in boxes. I know the “feel at home” I can solve in the long run with a looooooooot of paaaaaaatience – which is what I am running out of.
In a nutshell:
here is a guy who is handsome, smart, witty, lots of fun to be with, I think he’d make a good father. He planned for his job since 20 years ago, planned and bought his house 10 years ago, next to a good school. Here I come, and I can’t stand the area he lives in and the commute. I know a lot of people commute and yet it is taking a terrible toll on me. I know a lot of people have kids in that are, yet I don’t see myself raising children being 12 hours away from home and in an area that defies every single value of my life. I have lost my peace, I feel I am losing my identity and I am having a hard time finding joy in my daily life.
To stay together we have to make some choices:
His:
1.to leave a secure job from which he can retire in 10 years and find one where we can both be close to work.
2. to move in-between our jobs so we’d share the commute (he says he has already commuted for 16 years and doesn’t want to do that again).
3. both entail selling his house.
Mine:
1. continue commuting and raise children… between 5:30-9 pm and on weekends.
2. raise children in an area which I strongly dislike and give up the work for which I have already left my family (meaning my parents), my friends and two countries.
Any advice?! I hope I represented fairly both sides. I am trying to see his, so I won’t ask for more than it is equitable to ask for.
And yes, I knew before moving in with him where he lived. I never thought it would be so bad. I am just learning that, by experience. And yes, there must be a solution, but I need to vent until I find it!
