well, unfortunately for me and my daughter and the baby i am carrying, my suspicions were right. he had an affair early in our marriage, about 9 years ago. we have been married for almost 10 years. after being here and reading, i decided to leave a tape recorder when i went to work and caught him talking on the phone to her.

that got me snooping and i found 2 letters she had written to him. typical love letters. her saying how she knows she loves him more than he her and how she is sad that he is married, but she is happy she at least met him, blah blah blah. it is obvious from both that she doesn't get much of his time, that it hurts her, and that she knows that he will not leave his wife (me).

i confronted him today. he tried to deny it at first, but i told him i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. this was during a phone call while he was at work. he was very quiet, didn't say much. i told him we would talk later.

when he got home, he was very serious. he sat down next to me and said "what are we going to do now?" i said "that isn't really my decision, you are the one having an affair. i don't know what you are doing or why, you are the only one who knows that." he then said something about how it is my decision. that he wants to work on our marriage and for me to give him another chance, that he will do what he has to, i can check up on him, etc, etc. i have been able to do that ever since last time. it didn't help.

i told him that i don't know what to do. i want to save our marriage, but we can't just sweep it under the rug this time and try to fix it ourselves. we both have issues, i was sexually abused as a child and hate sex, he had a womanizing, alcoholic and abusive father and was sexually abused by an aunt when he was a child(his first sexual experience).

i can't be totally blameless for him wanting a woman that desires him sexually. i sometimes have to drink to want to have sex and when we were first married, he didn't mind, would actually tease and say "want a margarita?" when we were at dinner, etc. the past few years he has seemed very hurt by it. "Why do you have to be drunk/under the influence to make love to me?" "i just want you to want me."

i know this isn't my FAULT and he said that as well, but i can see how he could be easily tempted by someone who desires him, especially when he feels his own wife doesn't.

we didn't talk much. he gets up at 4:30am and works over 12 hours in construction. he usually is asleep by 8pm and he said that he didn't want to talk about details tonight. that he feels bad because of what he has done to me AGAIN.

he said that he told her after we talked that it was over. who knows if that is true. he doesn't usually call him from my detective work, she calls him from restricted number. there were 2 calls from restricted numbers awhile after i called him, but it wasn't a long conversation, like 6 minutes.

is it normal to not want to divulge details? what should i do? he said he would go to counseling and i said that is the only way i will try to work on our marriage. i desperately want to believe him, but he has been seeing her for almost a year and been able to lie to me. how do i know what to believe?

he loves his daughter and is an amazing father (not counting this cheating, which is not being respectful of his marriage), but he is great. i will do anything to try to keep our marriage together for her especially and for our baby that is due in march.

advice from people with experience? stories from FWHs or FWWs regarding how hard it is to "tell all" about the affair. is it normal to not want to answer questions right away? he couldn't even look at me. he was just lost looking.

please help me. i am at a loss right now and feeling mad that i didn't wake up sooner and try to follow my gut. am i dumb to even consider trying to fix our marriage? i mean, 2 times (that i know of, who knows now).

I'm a former betrayed spouse of a serial cheater. I am also a sexual child abuse survivor as well. My husband and I have managed to forge a new marriage and from what I've read, you can definately do this as well.

You've taken a very important step by looking at your responsibility towards the atmosphere of your marriage. You are right to say it isn't your fault that he chose to commit adultery. I think you should be proud of yourself, though, that you are able to see one glaring example where you have not been meeting your H's emotional need for sexual fulfillment.

Since both of you are victims of sexual abuse, it creates a sad dynamic. I STRONGLY suggest that you both seek individual counseling at the same time you seek marriage counseling. I feel very sad that you must drink to be able to physically share your love for your husband. From the questions he has asked you and the comment he made, Im sure this has been eating away at him- possibly causing him to question his own mahood and desirability. My husband questioned his due to major job and financial problems and needed the OWs to make him feel good about himself.

Tell (do not ask) your husband to sit down with you and send an email to this OW establishing no contact. He should also write a letter in front of you and mail it together. Im glad he realizes he needs to be an open book, but he also needs to understand you should not have any doubt that his affair has ended.

OW's email should also be blocked, with his email account possibly closed and a new one established that you have access to. Realize that you are not in the wrong to be vigilant as he re-establishes trust with you.

You are absolutely NOT dumb to work on this marriage. He sounds contrite, but let his actions speak louder than his words. Watch to see if he is really serious about doing WHATEVER you require to feel secure. I had my husband throw away all his winter clothes and anything I perceived as having been used during the affair. He did it. He htought I was nuts, but he did it. It was so good to have those triggers removed from the house.

Expect your emotions to be all over the map. Allow yourself to be sad and mad.

My number one rule, though, for myself was that I turned my home into a sanctuary. Affair and recovery discussions tended to happen outside of our home so that my husband didnt dread walking in the door after work.

Read everything here. Take the Emotional Needs test together, its available here. You both must learn what is required of each other.

Counseling for you both immediately.

mojodiva,

thanks for responding. i feel so sad, lost, confused, angry, pitiful, stupid and terrifed. there is no email to worry about, he doesn't even like computers. there is only his cellphone which i have always had access to his voicemail and statements. it is his work number and can't be changed. though it is our account, his business and our livelihood depend on it.

he is emotionless right now. he won't talk to me and answer the questions i so desperately need to know the answers to. i don't understand WHY? he says he understands how hurt i am, but if he does why not help me by telling me???

i am furious this morning. i let him sleep and tried to talk to him this morning while he was waiting for his truck to warm up to go to work. he just sat there, listening, but not saying a word. that made me so mad and hurt. i know he has a stressful job, but how does he think my life feels right now?? i have been lied to for almost a year and i have no real way of knowing if he is really leaving her or not.

how can he be so cold? he was so loving up until now. the only person he hasn't changed with is our 3 year old, who he played with and laughed with last night like always when he is going to sleep.

please anyone, tell me this is normal. i am so alone right now. i know that he will support me so that i can stay home with our DD and our baby to be, meaning i could just leave him and let her have him or let him do whatever he wants. he would still have money to live on, etc and he could see his daughter when he wants to, etc.

what do i do?? i am an emotional mess and he just sat there. not that i shed a tear in front of him, but he knows that i love him and sit here wanting to fix our broken marriage and he does nothing while i pour my heart out.

^^bump^^

I wish I knew what to tell you. My H was immediately contrite and helpful in our recovery. I did not have to deal with stonewalling. I would NOT have reacted well to that at all. I probably would have left.

Im hoping someone who HAS been through something like this can help you.

anyone?

I think you both should go into MC.

[color:"blue"] well .... since this is not working ... how about you read Harley's book Survivng an Affair and start plan A ... stop pouring your heart out... start reading and planning ahead [/color]

Verano,

My WH had an affair when I had a three and one year old sons. He said he was leaving, he didn't and we swept it under the rug and things got better. That was 19 years ago. He told me since he almost had another one about 13 years ago and he did have a LTA for over two years recently. He was also abused an neglected as a child. I too, have had to drink to enjoy sex with him, mostly to relax.

Thing is, I loved him and still love him. My children (all three) have told me that they do not believe my WH is working on our M, only me. While I do see some effort, it is mostly my reading, talking, making MC appts. My WH also wouldn't talk much about the A, said he "couldn't remember" or "I don't know". I got more answers when I was calmer, about 4-6 mo. after D-day. My heart breaks for you, with one small one and one little one. You say financially that you should be set, I would suggest taking the time to find out why you are in this type of relationship (which many who advised me say is abusive) The other point I would make is to think of yourself and your children first. I wouldn't relive my marriage again, looking back, I would try to have a good, healthy relationship with someone who wants the same rather than trying to put my WH in that box. You can only affect you, try to heal yourself, be healthy physically and mentally for yourself and children. Then think about if your WH can really change. I was too easy on my WH, it didn't lead me to happiness, nor was he happy.

Good luck and <<hugs>>

nab

he is FAR from emotionless!!!
He isn't showing his emotions right now, but he is feeling them. You say that you were talking, and he was just sitting there listening. thats not such a bad thing. Let me tell you that with most WH's, you talk, and they throw back all sorts of insults.

What your WH did was wrong. No question. But for just a moment, lets try to look at what he is going through right now. He feels bad, ashamed. there is no excuse for what he did. You keep asking him why, but he can't answer that. Why did he do it? Because he was weak. He was in a position where he felt vulnerable, and an opportunity presented itself with OW, and he did not run away from it.
When you ask "why" there is no possible answer that would be acceptable. honestly, I don't think there is an answer to that question that would truly help you feel better. In my opinion, I would just leave that question alone, and try moving onto something that will help you to heal. Questions like:
Would you prefer a morning or evening appointment with a MC?

You definately need to get into an IC as well. Many people are sexually abused as children, but go onto have healthy, happy sex lives as adults. Trust me. I am one of them.

I am reading a good book right now, you may want to get it. its called "Love and Respect" it talks about how women need to feel loved, and men need to feel repsected. One of the big themes of this book is - how men and women will look at something different. I think your current situation speaks directly to this issue. You are talking to your WH, pouring out your heart, trying to get him to open up and tell you why this has happened, as he sits quietly and doesn't respond. you think he is just tuning you out, and you get angry. Meanwhile, he is sitting there feeling like crap, and listening to you talk, and knowing there is nothing he can possibly say to make things better. He is afraid to open his mouth and say anything that would make things worse. It could be that he is afraid that by answerng Why, he would only hurt you more, so instead he stays silent.

I am not trying to excuse what he has done. I am just trying to say that if you could, for a moment, step back and assume that he does want to help you heal, he does want to make you feel better, he just doesn't know how.

the day my WxH left, he said that I was never a good wife, and that was why he was leaving. That OW made him feel like the most special person on earth, and I never did that for him. My WxH never showed remorse, never offered to go to MC, didn't want to work on our M. Your WH has taken a very small step in the right direction.

You said some very nice things here about how he is a good man, a wonderull father, a great provider. Tonight, why not share those thoughts with him, and see how different the conversation goes after that.

Just a thought....

thanks everyone for your help. it helps to get a feel for what my husband might be thinking, etc.

i called him at work today and we talked. he was more open to answering my questions, not every one, but he was easier to talk to. his only explanation is that he wasn't thinking and made a mistake. he says he doesn't love her, that he loves me and wants to be with me and our daughter and baby to be. he says i had no fault in it. i did nothing wrong. he is the one who did something wrong. he says he understands how hurt i am and how much damage he has done.

he says he is willing to do whatever, counseling, etc to get me back. i feel confused because either way, i am taking a chance. if i stay, i am taking a chance of years down the road going through this again. if i leave, my daughter doesn't have her father in her life everyday and i want that for her more than anything.

i feel like i have to try to plan A and try to see if our marriage can make it. i owe it to my kids. he IS a good provider, an awesome dad and treats me good (except the affair). he is supportive of anything i want to do, supported me through nursing school, supports me in decisions about parenting, etc. i love him and think that deep down he does love me. i think he did a dumb thing AGAIN, but i am willing to try to forgive him.

does that sound like a plan?

Verano,

I have been off the boards for the holidays, sorry for the delay.

Sounds like he is talking the talk, but the walk is what matters most. My WH also checks out by going to sleep, telling me how tired he is. It is a way to not deal with reality, a cop-out. You say he is willing to go to counseling, I would suggest both IC for him, maybe yourself to help you cope, and after awhile MC. MC isn't going to help in the near term until he figures out why he does this. In the meanwhile, you could figure out what you need and ask him to do the same and work on that. Also, read the books suggested here and go to the library. The more informed you are about affairs and marriage in general, the better equiped you are to help create a marriage that is fullfilling to both of you. I would also say that it can't be done if only one of you does this (I speak from experience on this one). But what it does do is help you to be a better person and thus partner, no matter what. This time isn't time wasted, especially with a new one on the way.

I don't think Plan A is called for as that is to stop the A, which I believe your H did? Be firm about what you want and need and don't let that be second to what he needs. There is a tendancy for the BS to try to do this as the WS, and society as well as many therapists, try to say it is the fault of the M which causes the A, which the BS turns around into accepting the blame for the A. No one except the WS and the OP is responsible.

You sound like a very caring person, just remember to care for yourself first bc you need it and it will benefit your children, yourself, and your M.