Hello,

I originally wrote a few weeks back, looking for support as I want my marriage back after I was the WS for 5 years. At the end of last week, after being told again that my H wanted a formal separation, I found out through his intentionally leaving proof of his A (EA/PA?) in writing behind, while he was travelling on business. We have been living apart for 6 months due to my A. At least that's what I thought. From the information, I have learned that my H cheated or is still cheating on me, and has been for at least a year and a half of the time we were 'supposedly' trying to recover from my past A.

I have been called names and torn to the ground over my actions, all while he has been dishonest and hypocritical himself. I have come out of my fog, completely clear for me as of the end of summer that I wanted this marriage. Now, feeling betrayed, and realizing that his A is with his co-worker, I do not understand why he wants me to know of his behavior and actions while he tells me he wants a SA. I see it as a complete act of selfishness, he's being intentionally hurtful. He claims that he wants to talk about this, but again, after hearing that he wants to separate so many times, I see no point in continuing the hurt. I want him, but I cannot put myself through the coals over and over again only to hear 'divorce and separation' when the conversation turns bad.

I want to contact the OW and let her know that I am very aware of their relationship. It would put both of them in a very bad position at work, both would lose their jobs, one would have immediate immigration concerns as a result. I do not want to be mean, I just want answers. Why does he feel that he is in control and will control when we will talk about this and all the questions that exist? He's the one that just exposed his A and hypocritical behavior.

He's positioned me as a horrible horrible person for my previous A to his friends and family. They think I am a horrible person. He has not been honest with them as they surely do not know of his A(s?). I would love to expose him to them as well but know that would not do anyone any good especially if I want this relationship.

It's sickening, as I thought we had gone through Plan A, but when I read he was in Plan B, yet he was seeing someone else during Plan B it made me feel like it is all just a waste of time.

: ( looking for insight on how to handle. Before having to go through another Plan A and Plan B, how can I or we get past the mutual betrayal that has gone on for years. It's sad.



Together 12 years
M-8 years
no kids

Hi, sadinthecity.

The way I see it, you have two choices.

You each continue with the pullme/pushyou situation until you are both emotionally destroyed

or

you each stop any and all affair activities (I understand you have already done this), clean up the respective messes, forgive each other, and start fresh with a new marriage.

One thing is for certain, as long as you are both keeping score on the hurt and pain, neither of you will ever be in control, or have the last word. Fighting for either is also a waste of time.

You have made bad choices, now your husband is making bad choices. Neither of you can undo what has been done, you can only learn to live with it, and then only after considerable effort.

My wife of almost 30 years and I faced a similar situation 31 years ago. My activities far exceeding hers, but bad choices on both sides never the less. We decided to put the past behind us and start over. That is a hard road to travel, but it can be done.

Talk to your husband straight up and let him know what his choices are. You are beyond what Plan A or Plan B will cover in my opinion.

Since there are no children, you will probably find the path of least pain in a dissolution of the relationship.

All the best,
Gimble

I found out that my WH has been involved with the OW for at least 6 months. For 3 of those 6 months I had been seeing someone else as well. I ended my relationship but he has not and is now in a deep deep fog.

He had recently been travelling for 'work' and the OW was with him. They work together, he is her superior. I've contacted her in vmail and asked that she return a call, my next thought is to email her directly and ask her if she is aware of his involvement with me while they have been together. On ocassion when we would see each other we would have sex. I'm sure she is not aware of this and nor would I expect that he ever be honest with her. He has gone against all of his 'morals' and 'values' that he once screamed out at me that I should hang my head, and now he is doing the same. He has lied to his entire family and all friends positioning himself as the victim. Again, I understand this is normal behavior, i did the same thing once.

This weekend we both showed up at the home we own in another state. It was not planned in any way shape or form. I went in the house with my stomach on the floor, and wanted so badly not to speak to him. But the emotions and anger were far too great. I have spent the past few months pleading with him to consider working through things with me, to give me a chance, now only to learn he's in his A fog with the OW. They're co-workers, he's told her everything about our past and now she's there as his support system through it yet today. She can easily play into his hand, she knows what my flaws were and knows how to win his heart.

I contacted my MIL and exposed his secret. My IL believe that their child can do no wrong and that I've caused this all to happen. I only take blame for my actions. I do not make his decisions. He is INFLAMED that I told her and said that I have no right to do so. I left the OW a voicemail and told her that I know and that I know he is not being honest with her. She is well trained in psychology and I certainly do not expect to ever hear from her. I realize it doesn't matter that he's been hedging his feelings, playing her and letting me hold on by a thread while he is indecisive.

Now is response to me is that I'm getting what I deserve. That I pushed him to this point. And now he wants a divorce. He said he is quite comfortable with what he is doing (FOG) and in the next breath says he knows it is wrong. (dense fog). I am too familiar with all this fog. I am emotionally dead inside, from taking too much blame and letting him put me down for my mistakes. I want to change who I am towards him, I do not want to repeat the past. I have changed and realize what I did wrong, and how I can only treat him better and KNOW that. KNOW IT SO WELL.

So I'm now in the dilemma. Do I serve his wishes and move forward in seeking a 'fault' divorce? Or do I sit and PLAN B? I feel like we're beyond Plan B. He actually wrote that he was in Plan B just back in late July early August. But is still with her, and has been while supposedly making up his mind whether he wants a chance with me.

I'm really confused, very hurt, but want him in my life. I do love him under it all. I have so much love for him, I know that is why it hurts this bad. Do I plan B? Do I just stop and file and give him what he claims he wants while he's in this fog? He's screamed in my face that he doesn't love me and that he wants me out of his life, and wants a divorce. : ( Not sure if a fog horn would even help now. He needs to wake up.

To Plan B or not to Plan B. That is the question. Tired of wasting my life.

how about a decent plan A??? i dont see that you have done a plan a. look it up and start there.

This is where our situation is confusing for me.

Throughout the summer he was demanding that I stopped seeing the OM, and I did. I got my own place and have focused on work and getting myself comfortable with my WH not being a part of my life. I spent months practically begging for his attention, and for him to try to rediscover me and see that there is good in 'us'. I thought that was part of his Plan A. And I came around to it.

However, while I was coming around, he was already having an EA with the OW at work. He had been emotionally open to her for 3 years of our past issues. At the end of summer, in October, he had gone home to visit his family. Before that point we would speak ocassionally on the phone or through email. Lots of LB'ing on both sides, angry outbursts and selfish demands. After his trip home, he went into NC with me. Stopped all emails, stopped answering my calls. Completely stopped. Seemed like Plan B was starting, but I had already left the OM, and was still begging for his attention. I realize now that he was in a fog, involved in his own A.

So now we never speak, he's off growing closer to the OW. ANd I'm practically pushing him into her arms with my LB'ing. : ( I want to Plan A, I don't see it being realistic for his A to end, they work together, and he has written that it is not an option for her to leave work, that he would do whatever he had to for that not to happen. He's protecting his A and the OW. How do I Plan A, when all he is saying is that he is done with me, that he doesn't love me, not speaking to me at all, lying to her, lying to himself his friends and family. I want him back, but when I hear that I should get it through my thick skull that he doesn't want the marriage that I should let him go and file for what he wants. To set him free.

Confused,
sad.

Dated 4 years
M-8 years
my EA/PA Dday 1st 2003
2nd w/same person - 2004
WH EA dday - 11/2005

well...what you did very well could cost you your marriage. he had two d-days i see...that very well may have been it for him. unfortunately only he knows this. i say plan a, because plan a is really for YOU! quit the angry outburst, and lb's and work on you. have you figured out the why to your affairs and why you did it twice? have you fixed what was broken in you that led you down that path? these are all things you need to do if you havent already. plan a will make you stronger. better.

he is wrong for entering his own affair..no question about it. it isnt that uncommon though....and he will have to deal with his own guilt on that. work on you, plan a, and quit the lb's and angry outbursts

Thanks, I really did come out of my fog, and you're right I do need to continue working on me. I have come to see so many weak parts of myself that I am trying to strengthen, especially those LB's. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I spoke with him again today and I know he may be looking for signs that I really have gone through the 'reality check' with myself that I say I have, but again those LB's 'fog' the ability for him to see it. I need to keep my heart and head in line.

It's not a new issue, but in our conversation his concern over me raking him through the coals in a fault divorce rather than a no-fault come up time and again. His comment is that he questions my 'character' or me being a better person, when I let him know that I needed a lawyer to look over a SA. He calls me names and again, questions my character for involving a lawyer. It gives me the impression that he wants out, wants all his assets protected, and wants the OW not to be an issue (of adultery). : ( It's a rough 'mixed-signal' Monday.

sad.