I am new here, so here's my story.... I found about about the affair on Nov 2, when I received a $300 cell phone bill, I didn't even suspect anything, I thought it was a mistake until HE wanted to take care of calling the company, so that's when I found out. Then he said they were just friends that needed to talk because she was having problems in her marriage too. Well, the more I snooped, the more information I got and found that it has been going on for a little over 3 months, someone from work. So while he said he would end it, he didn't. I asked him to leave for a while so we could figure things out because he didn't know what to do, becasue he didn't want to end it. So 1 week, 2 weeks go by and he starts to miss the kids and decides he wants to work it out. (We have 2 girls 3 year old and 18 month old) So, really he still didn't want to end it, and hence he didn't but came back home. THat lasted about two days becasue everytime we tried to talk about it, he just kept blaming me and justifying why it happened, how she was his angel that rescued him from him miserable life. There was no remorse, nothing but embarrassment. So I told him we can't start working it out unless he breaks up with her and is committed to making this work. He keeps giving me these little mental tests, which I feel he already sets me up to fail as reasons why it won't work. He doesn't even want to try becasue he is so sure that it will not work, because he feels like he loves her more than he ever loved me. He has known her at most 6 months and we have been together for 12 years (8 years married). I think I fianlly started to get through to him this weekend when he called to talk to our daughter. He has changed so much and I don't even know who he is anymore, and he thinks that is because I never really knew him like she does. He doesn't even do the things he loves that have nothing to do with me, the only things he likes to do are things that are involved with her. So I finally talked him into taking some vaction time and going home with his parents one and a half hours away from me and her, to talk to people who really know him and care about him, since he hasn't told them the whole story yet. He is so brainwashed by her and he hasn't even gone one day without talking to her. THe problem is, he has agreed to counseling, but only for himself becasue he is looking for a counselor to tell him what to do. Not marriage counseling to work on us, becasue he literally can't stop seeing, talking, and sleeping with her, as he says he is addicted to her. He knows I am willing to do anything to make this right again, and I want to more than anything, but I also feel like that is part of the reason he is taking advantage of me and not ending it with her. How long am I supposed to live like this, him seeing her and still being married to me? I keep reading about all the steps to follow to start to reconcile, but what if he is not there yet, how long am I supposed to wait? The more I think about it, I think he thought that I would be so mad and upset that I would just divorce him and he wouldn't have a choice. THen he would feel like it wasn't his fault, and he would be "free". I just don't know how much more I can take. Is there any hope at all, or do I start to move ahead with the divorce papers to amke him finally move one way or the other?

TS, Welcome to MB. It is a good place to be. You are in a tough spot. Many people have been there, though. You are in good company.

Have you read the articles on the site? Have you purchased surviving an affair? It is a great book.

If you don't mind, edit your post into paragraphs. It makes it easier for us to read. You might want to also post the edited version over in General Questions II as it is much busier.

Keep reading and posting. And Nov 2 was not long ago. It may seem like an eternity, but is is really only a small amount of time. I'm not trying to bring you down, but it is a journey. A long and bumpy one.

Hang in there- keep reading and posting.
blessings

Your husband is in a fog right now. Blinded and completely overcome by his feelings. Believe me when I tell you that reality will soon set in. Good that he is going home to see family. I pray something will trigger his good sense. Mine came when we were arguing over my discovery of a love letter, our son walked in on us and heard the whole thing. He literally fell to his knees crying (he is 25 years old). The sight of this shook my husband up so much that he woke up! It was a slow process, his waking up but that was the trigger that began a long, arduous, painful, bumpy, process that after a year and a half is still going on. He has had no contact with "the love of his life" and takes me in his arms daily and tells me he made a big mistake and that he loves me and always will... I pray that he will see a counselor whether for himself or your marriage, the same thing really. Take care and read this site over and over, especially all the great info Dr. Harley has been so gracious to include here. God Bless You and Pray and seek His Help. I promise you that you will survive! Read Psalm 121 and keep posting.

TS,

Your situation is so like so many here, so do not feel alone, because you are not. Follow the advice those above have given you.

Do not trust your husband to do the right thing at this point. He is so deep in FOG that he is an alien at this point. Read, read, and read some more here on MB. Plus

1. Get more information on the OW. Is she a coworker?

2. Expose the affair to your H's family, his employer, friends, and your family. MOST IMPONTANT!!! EXPOSE TO OW H. Many here will tell you that affairs thrive in secrecy--it makes them seem more exciting, and more acceptable. Once exposed, they begin to corrode.

3. Take care of yourself.

Who

Me too...just found out Nov. 5. Supposedly only an "emotional affair"... The other woman has moved out of state (he says) but he refuses to stop email contact with her and I am at my wits end. I am considering the pros and cons of writing his mom, who called last nite and asked how we were. We see a counselor tonight..i hear the Just Friends thing too...butif its innocent at least now..why cant i know the content? hes full of BS