I borrowed this from another Web Site on Infidelity. It sounded like the steps my FWW described to me as she explained her affair to me.

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This was a handout for a church group (the statistics are almost identical for church and non-church members when it comes to adultery and divorce) but it does a good job of defining how affairs develop for far too many people. The progression from friend to sexual intimacy and betrayal. It is provided in the hope that it will help newcomers to the forum gain some understanding of what has happened and how it could or might have happened.

Anatomy of Adultery
15 Steps of Unfaithfulness

How does adultery "happen?" People don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse. Adultery is the culminating act of a dozen or more tiny steps of unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious or much beyond the previous step. Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. And he does this over time so that our conscience is gradually seared. This makes it easier to take "just one more step" thinking such a tiny step won't hurt us.

The following "15 steps" which analyze how adultery "happens" are based on scores of interviews, counseling, and correspondence with church folk who fell into unfaithfulness. Our question: "How did this happen... what were the tiny steps which led to this mess?" While the order varied from case to case, the following is the general progression which surfaced in most incidents. This is not some sort of theoretical list. These are the actual steps taken by scores of church people who wound up committing adultery and regretting it later. Some of these people sobbed deeply as they shared, hoping that their own pain and failure might save other marriages. This information comes to you at great expense.

This chapter doesn't have any preaching or analysis... that is left to you. Here we offer you cold word-for-word quotes. You and your Sunday School class can draw out the lessons. How did these lives get ruined? How does it start?


1. Sharing Common Interests.
"We just had so much in common, it was uncanny."

"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other."

"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with."

"We both loved horses, and started riding together."

"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work."

"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!"


2. Mentally comparing with my mate.
"My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible."

"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time."

"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk.

"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me."


3. Meeting emotional needs.
"He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for."

"She was there when I needed her."

"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing."

"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become."

"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good."


4. Looking forward to being together.
"I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier."

"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work."

"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume."

"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there."

"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday."


5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.
"When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us."

"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him."

"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down."

"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband."


6. Flirting and teasing.
"I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape."

"Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us."

"We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other."

"He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me."


7. Talking about personal matters.
"We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about."

"We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together."

"I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul-mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far."

"I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt."

"I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married."

"We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know."


8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug.
"He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this."

"She was always hanging around our house and was my wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame."

"He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that."

"The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me."

"Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too."


9. Special notes or gifts.
"He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet."

"I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible."

"He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss."

"She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk."


10. Inventing excuses to call or meet.
"I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone."

"I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk."

"The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often."

"She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up."


11. Arranging secret meetings.
"By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time."

"We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot."

"I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting."

"She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other."


12. Deceit and cover ups.
"Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us."

"Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it."

"I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings."

"She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?"

"We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered."

"By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings."


13. Kissing and embracing.
"The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war."

"Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time."

"It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me."


14. Petting and high indiscretion.
"At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more."

"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin."

"When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now were we're going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified."

"At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally."


15. Sexual intercourse.
"Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery."

"One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other."

"Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex."

"One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man."

Toosoon, this is indeed very good. It explains very well how most A’s usually start of as friendships and then slowly but surely escalates into full-blown A’s…

By the time my H found out about my inappropriate friendship with XOM, things had developed to stage 7 already. It took me almost 3 years to get to this stage. It was a very slow process for me. By the time my H found out, I believe I was on the bridge of entering into stage 8…which I’m glad never happened. I think stages 8 - 12 would have “crossed the line” into a full-blown EA for me. Actually, IMO, stage 8 is the start of a PA as well.

Thanks for sharing – this was very insightful and I will certainly in future use this post as a referance in my posts to new members.

Blessings,
Suzet

Hi Suzet. I thought it was a great breakdown on how the affair evolves. I believe my wife went thru stage 14 over an 8 month period. She actually was kissing her OM in a restaurant/bar about 8 blocks from my house where she could have been seen by one of our neighbors. That was pretty reckless, I would say.

I do not really believe she went to stage 15, but I believe given more time, it would have definately happened. I base this on her described timelines of the affair supported by her history of cell phone bills, etc.

You, like I, have a hard time walking completely away from MB.

TooSoon

Toosoon, I don’t know when I will finally walk away from MB and I don’t know if I really want to…

MB was of so much help to me during my recovery and the main reason I’m still posting here is basically to give back to others and find meaning out of the negative experiences in my live and the lessons I have learned from it.

I would say these boards are very “addictive” in some ways – but in a “healthy” way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But I do have times I also “back off” a bit and not reading and posting much.

Suzet

I just have to bookmark this. This is excellent.

It definitely is HURTFUL to read this.

However, it is ENLIGHTENING..

This is almost EXACTLY how my FWH describes his PROGRESSION into the A...

Some of those quotes could have come exactly out of his mouth...

It's amazing how SCRIPTED this all is...

excellent!

There is also the anatomy of an affair in love must be tough...even more painful to read b/c it shows what happens when an affair goes on and is allowed to grow..what the horrible end result will be.

I do think my xh skipped number one. He just jumped ahead to the meeting of HIS en's part and the physical parts.

"How does adultery happen? People don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse."

Ok, I agree this is the general progression of a Type II entangled affair. But I beg to interject, many WS do this very thing.

There will be other reasons for it such as narcissism, OCD, SA or other addictions of one kind or another, childhood abuse, serial philanderer...

FWW started her 10 year LTA 48 hours after meeting OM for the first time with steps 14 and 15. Yup, they were in bed with each other before they knew each others full names. Then the A progressed generally in reverse through your steps over the next year or so before settling down into a sort of M of its own. They backfilled all the stuff necessary to make a true relationship out of it.

There are a lot of ONS out there.

There are a lot of serial adulterers out there.

TS,

This is a good review that has long been overdue especially for newbies.But A's never "just happen".It's a progression of *choices(series of events) all along and where one puts their energies:

Accepting the attention,touches and meetings by choice instead of saying,"no stop or this isn't appropriate",etc.It's allowed.

It's why I am not a big proponent of opposite sex friendships while married.As strong and aware as one may be the opportunity always exists to progress further along into more intimate waters.Even though I had many male friends before it was always present in my mind, the risks.

O

OG,

I find it hard to believe, or accept, FWW and OM could accomplish steps 1 through 13 in just 48 hours. Especailly as it was a business trip with a lot of coworkers around and they were not constant one-on-one the whole 48 hours.

Seems rather intense for mere humans, no? Aliens, maybe yes? lol.

FWW reasoning has consistently been, they just clicked.

It is much easier to explain if the pump was primed in the first place by her previous A, addictive personality and serious FOO issues.

And, oh, OM is a known predator and serial philanderer. He certainly knows how to work a pump handle.

It was the perfect storm.

What a moving article.

I think that I will print it and keep it for reference.

It might be interesting if a few FWS's would layout the steps they went through using these shown 15 steps as a guideline or template. I know everyone's case is different but it would be interesting to see other cases summed up similar to these.

TooSoon

Suzet:

I still find it therapudic (sp) to read the boards and make an occasional post or two.

TooSoon

I agree that this is good, and at the same time painful. I can also see all of the opportunities to not take the next step, which makes it painful to see that it is a series of decisions to go down this path, each one bringing the WS some sort of positive feeling that overrides any concern for the M or the BS.

Aph,



I agree with this.It usually happens over time with all the steps followed and repeated.I just read where your WW was in bed w/OM within 48 hours.That is fast but so is a ONS I suppose.



I have "clicked" too with other men as I mentioned before to TS.But it was recognizable to me instantly.And,I knew what it meant and what could happen if I allowed it to progress.

Back to the quote,in my case,my WH seems to have rapidly gone through the steps too within at least a couple of weeks and that it progressed even further after that until DDay so within a month,I was the past and the homewrecker was his future.It's my impression he was totally carried away with all of it and the intensity as most are.That,to him,made it seem all the more real and what he wanted.He told me cosmic forces were at play. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Boy did that really hurt back then.ugh.

O

Cosmic forces! LOL

So are black holes....

This is a useful description of a fairly typical affair progression.

But it's also a little dangerous.

Not all infidelity happens this way. This is about an A that happens to a committed spouse who has failed to protect his/her weaknesses. Many who find themselves on this site have far more complex situations to deal with, and pushing this model onto them is harmful.

So...useful, but...'conditions apply'.

TA

Here's another Alph:

My WH told me that the homewreckers Mother had a friend,a "Psychic" friend mind you that had a premonition that MY WH was coming into homewreckers life,that he was married and had 2 children and that it was meant to be.Now,WH bought this wretched story hook,line and sinker since if it was "meant to be" and cosmic forces were in play,well,he just couldn't refuse right? The fact is that the homewrecker has 2 crackpot parents who are adulterous products and so is the homewrecker.Of course my WH should leave me and his children to go be with her.Just like the destruction they did in their previous marriages.They are lucky they lived so far away.That's all I can say.

O

OG,

God meant for us to meet, or be together, or fall in love, or whatever.

What entangled A partner has not said or at least thought the equivalent?

I think that "realization" should be inserted into the list at about step 7 and 1/2.


TA,

I agree 1000%. It's the very point I have been sideling up to. It's the point I would like to have made if I could write better.

TSTBC-
That is a sad yet real guide to an affair. As I have seen my WW's play out. I would say it is correct.
My wife's affair went seven months with out detection. OM's now ex-wife could have told me in April but was threatened by OM and did not tell me until September.
I have thought about what could have been if I had known when this thing was only a couple months old. At seven months they had already made it to step 14. I believe they have now achieved 15 as well.

At this point we are all over the brink of divorce. She can not stop seeing him. Will not even think about it...

I would greatly appreciate if you could read my sitch and offer some advice how to bring back my wife from the clutches of her OM..

Thank You...

Dazednconfusedks