I have resisted the temptation to post for a while. Mainly because I just didn't know what to say, how to help or what advise I could offer that would make a difference.<P>I became angry at some of the posts that became arguementative and judgemental and I became dissolusioned by the number of new names that appeared as I visited every day. The names were different, but the questions, lamenting, anger and answers were all to familiar.<P>I took the time to read many of my own posts and the advice that had been given on many occations so long ago, when I first visited this site. It became painfully clear that giving advice was much easier than taking it. It was time to pull away for a while and focus on putting my life together again.<P>I'm happy to say, as each day passes I see progress. We have started a new beginning. We have worked on changing the things that needed to be changed and improving the things that didn't. I learned, over time, to enjoy what I had and cherish the blessings that had been given me, rather than look back and lament over what I didn't have or the events that had unfolded over the past 2 years.<P>Somewhere along this path of self-evaluation ( I not sure when ) my W and I simultaniously and unknowing to the other, closed the book on this chapter in our lives and opened the cover of a yet to be written story of our future together.<P>I wish there were a way to explain the feeling of calm that occures when you reach this point, but I can't. You have to reach and experience it on your own terms. Just as quickly as a theif in the shattered your life, it will be returned to you filled with compassion, understanding and love beyond your dreams.<P>Through this whole process, I discovered the key to the healing process was to ....forgive my failings as a husband, to forgive my W's failings as a wife and for her to eventually do the same thing. Then and only then will you be prepared to forgive each other for your failings as a human beings.<P>The scars of what has happened will always remain, just as sure as life will go on, but the intensity of the pain that created them will fade and be lost forever.<P>None of this would have been possible had I not stepped back, backed off and allowed the healing power of time to take control and step by step, day by day lead us to the light.<P>Bless all my MB friends, I could never have done it without you.<P>Step by Step, Day by Day<BR>VMV

vmv, <P>I am almost at a loss for words as to what to say to you. You were so instrumental in helping me. I have missed your insightful posts. I have missed your presence in this forum. But, like you, I have backed off too. <P>It is hard for me to imagine how you couldn't add to any topic. Your encouragement and advice have helped me beyond words. Thank God you were there during my darkest hours. <P>I am seeing progress too. Often I step back and can't believe what is happening. My wife is opening up again right before my eyes. Unfortunately, I think I am guarding my feelings a bit in fear of getting trampled again. But, as the days pass, I grow to trust her more and she sees the changes in me as completly genuine. We are still not "there" yet. But, the journey is much, much easier now. I have learned to not rush things. I am savoring each baby step.<P>vmv, I am so glad you posted again. I am even more happy for the new beginning you are experiencing in your marriage. What an encouragement!<P>Your MB friend, <P>SHA <p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited September 28, 1999).]

SHL,<P>Thanks for your kind words. Its always nice to know that you made a difference somewhere along the line.<P>I'm glad things are moving forward for you, you have come a very long way and deserve some happiness. Love really can build a bridge can't it.<P>Step by Step, Day by Day<BR>VMV<P>

vmv,<BR>You have gotten that fuzzy feeling that my H and I have. How long has your recovery been? Oh, yes, two years. Ours has been 19 mo. You have posted exactly how we feel and how we have gotten here too. I hope this keeps moving to the top so others will read it, thay may not comment, but they will read it. I may have to pull it up myself to give them the chance to hear such hopeful words. Thanks for coming back, stay and help others. You will fell good if you do.<BR>Almost <P>--------<BR>TIME

OK, up it goes! <P>vmv, so nice to see you here again. And to hear how wonderfully things are going for you. Isn't it the most wonderful feeling?<P>I understand that need to back off once in a while - it gets pretty intense here, and seems to grow so fast it's hard to keep up. But Dunc & I do wind up coming back again & again. Hope you will pop on when you can too. Every voice of reason and optimism is needed!<P>SHA - I'm *delighted* that you & your W are making such great progress. You certainly deserve it. Those difficult moments will get fewer & farther between - just keep remembering to keep talking to each other, especially when you're feeling sad or afraid. That trust and caring can be rebuilt, it just takes attention to it, all the more so when it seems hardest to do. I'm glad your W is opening up to you. It sounds like your situation has 'turned the corner'. All the best to you both!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by suse (edited September 29, 1999).]

vmv,<P>Good to hear from you! Glad you & the Mrs. are doing well. Bet it feels extremely good to have gotten past the troubles.<P>Yes, I do still carry the story you posted for me. One day...<P>Thanks for everything you've posted!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

vmv-<BR>So nice to hear from you again! You posted some very good advice on how to get through withdrawal awhile back. Unfortunately, I didn't do a very good job following the advice. But I look back on it from time to time as a reminder of what CAN be accomplished. I'm so glad you and your wife have found peace, and I wish you the best on your new journey towards the future.<BR>-Annie

Back to the top! <P>---------<BR>TIME

Perhaps some of some of us just starting this journey can benefit from your experience. I wish I had been around to read some of your posts...although had I been around then it would suggest I would have been in the situation I'm in now back then and I don't think I'd have been has prepared to listen My ears are open

vmv,<P>My friend. So busy today didn't see this until now. You have been such a source of help to me as well. One thousand thank you's!<P>It's good to hear from you.<P>-janet

VMV<BR>I'll add one more thankyou. Yours were one of several posts I looked for when I first came to this site. You really helped many here including me. Things are turning for the better. I'm glad you return periodically to see the positive impact you and your W had on many of us. God bless you and your marriage. Ron<BR>

One more time, then I'll leave it alone.<BR> <P>---------<BR>TIME

Thank you all for your replies and kind comments.<P>I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. Its nice to be remembered.<P>I wish I had some sage advice to give you all, but all situations are different and all outcomes will be different as well.<BR>The one common denominator is that we all need help along the way.<P>Surviving the heartbreak of an infidelity takes more strength, stamina and patience than any of us thought we had in us. The more we reach down inside ourselves, the more we realize the inner toughness we all possess. I know I do.<BR>It's through these dark days that we must call on this inner stength to carry us on to the next next day, and the next, and the next. <P>I can't tell you how many times I have discovered more patients when I thought it was gone, more understanding when I thought it was gone, more faith when I thought it was gone and more love when I thought I had given it all.<P>It was a hard lesson to learn, but TIME will help you find these things and time will heal. Trust things to get better and they will.<P>I know some may dissagree, but infidelity is a symptom of a failing marriage, not the cause. Work on healing the marriage, not the symptom. To truly find each other again, first look inside your self and forgive, then, look inside each other and heal the heart.<P>MB principles really work, they are about love and understanding. Rely on the people here to help you, many times they can see what you cannot.<BR>Had it not been for this site and the wonderful friends I have met here, I may not have made it through and found the strength to fight the battles. What a great loss that would have been.<P>I wish the best to all who come here. I pray you all find the peace and happiness your looking for.<P>I want to take a second and extend a personal and heart felt thank you to: rjr2 (janet), Maya, Chris, Suse & Dunc, Sir Hurts a Lot, Lone Star and many others. Words will never discribe what you have done for me. It was your stength, encouragement and inspiration that carried me through many difficult times. Bless you all.<P>Step by Step, Day by Day<BR>VMV<p>[This message has been edited by vmv (edited September 30, 1999).]

Thank you all for your replies are kind comments.<P>I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. Its nice to be remembered.<P>I wish I had some sage advice to give you all, but all situations are different and all outcomes will be different as well.<BR>The one common denominator is that we all need help along the way.<P>Surviving the heartbreak of an infidelity takes more strength, stamina and patience than any of us thought we had in us. The more we reach down inside ourselves, the more we realize the inner toughness we all possess. I know I do.<BR>It's through these dark days that we must call on this inner stength to carry us on to the next next day, and the next, and the next. <P>I can't tell you how many times I have discovered more patients when I thought it was gone, more understanding when I thought it was gone, more faith when I thought it was gone and more love when I thought I had given it all.<P>It was a hard lesson to learn, but TIME will help you find these things and time will heal. Trust things to get better and they will.<P>I know some may dissagree, but infidelity is a symptom of a failing marriage, not the cause. Work on healing the marriage, not the symptom. To truly find each other again, first look inside your self and forgive, then, look inside each other and heal the heart.<P>MB principles really work, they are about love and understanding. Rely on the people here to help you, many times they can see what you cannot.<BR>Had it not been for this site and the wonderful friends I have met here, I may not have made it through and found the strength to fight the battles. What a great loss that would have been.<P>I wish the best to all who come here. I pray you all find the peace and happiness your looking for.<P>I want to take a second and extend a personal and heart felt thank you to: rjr2 (janet), Maya, Chris, Suse & Dunc, Sir Hurts a Lot, Lone Star and many others. Words will never discribe what you have done for me. It was your stength, encouragement and inspiration that carried me through many difficult times. Bless you all.<P>Step by Step, Day by Day<BR>VMV

vmv: Thank you for that post!! Although I am know where near the recovery that you are, I am in the beginning stages.. And it is so true what you said about finding the strength, patience and love you thought you could never have.. It seems just when I feel like throwing in the towel, something keeps me going for another day.. and its starting to pay off... I look forward to getting to the point in my life that you and many others are at... Its great to hear from you...

vmv,<P>Don't know how I missed this, but it's good to see you doing so well. God Bless!

K,<P>Thanks.<P>I've read many of you replies. You are still always there for so many. But, how are you doing?<P>Step by Step, Day by Day<P>VMV