I am new here, so here's my story.... I found about about the affair on Nov 2, when I received a $300 cell phone bill, I didn't even suspect anything, I thought it was a mistake until HE wanted to take care of calling the company, so that's when I found out. Then he said they were just friends that needed to talk because she was having problems in her marriage too. Well, the more I snooped, the more information I got and found that it has been going on for a little over 3 months, someone from work. So while he said he would end it, he didn't.

I asked him to leave for a while so we could figure things out because he didn't know what to do, becasue he didn't want to end it. So 1 week, 2 weeks go by and he starts to miss the kids and decides he wants to work it out. (We have 2 girls 3 year old and 18 month old) So, really he still didn't want to end it, and hence he didn't but came back home. THat lasted about two days becasue everytime we tried to talk about it, he just kept blaming me and justifying why it happened, how she was his angel that rescued him from him miserable life. There was no remorse, nothing but embarrassment. So I told him we can't start working it out unless he breaks up with her and is committed to making this work. He keeps giving me these little mental tests, which I feel he already sets me up to fail as reasons why it won't work. He doesn't even want to try becasue he is so sure that it will not work, because he feels like he loves her more than he ever loved me. He has known her at most 6 months and we have been together for 12 years (8 years married).

I think I finally started to get through to him this weekend when he called to talk to our daughter. He has changed so much and I don't even know who he is anymore, and he thinks that is because I never really knew him like she does. He doesn't even do the things he loves that have nothing to do with me, the only things he likes to do are things that are involved with her. So I finally talked him into taking some vaction time and going home with his parents one and a half hours away from me and her, to talk to people who really know him and care about him, since he hasn't told them the whole story yet. He is so brainwashed by her and he hasn't even gone one day without talking to her.

THe biggest problem is, he has agreed to counseling, but only for himself becasue he is looking for a counselor to tell him what to do. Not marriage counseling to work on us, becasue he literally can't stop seeing, talking, and sleeping with her, as he says he is addicted to her. He knows I am willing to do anything to make this right again, and I want to more than anything, but I also feel like that is part of the reason he is taking advantage of me and not ending it with her.

How long am I supposed to live like this, him seeing her and still being married to me? I keep reading about all the steps to follow to start to reconcile, but what if he is not there yet, how long am I supposed to wait? The more I think about it, I think he thought that I would be so mad and upset that I would just divorce him and he wouldn't have a choice. THen he would feel like it wasn't his fault, and he would be "free". I just don't know how much more I can take. Is there any hope at all, or do I start to move ahead with the divorce papers to amke him finally move one way or the other?

Hello TS,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here for Infidelity like the rest of us.

Ok,first I'd like to say that your situation is classic.Everything you said we have all been through in one way or another.You are not alone.Your wayward husband(WH) is deep in the affair(A) fog and this will be the reason why he cannot fully commit to you or the other woman(OW) right now.Think of him as being very sick,which he is.He is going to be confused and waffle back and forth a lot.

Please read up on all our concepts here,especially about plans A and B and what they mean.Take some time to check out our MB bookstore and do get the books: SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN( His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley.They will help you understand what is going on with the A and how to deal with it.

So here is what is usually recommended to do when you first find out:

1) Get the books I mentioned.

2) Get into PRO marriage counseling and consider calling Steve Harley here on this site.If you can only go yourself and WH won't go,that is fine for now.Your WH wants to go to have someone tell him what to do but that is really up to him and he is avoiding the issue.He's caught between two worlds right now and will not make the best nor appropriate choices.

3) Exposure.This is Key.Do you know the OW? If she is marreid then it is critical to tell the OW's husband(OWH).Not only does the whole ugly A business needs to be out in the open but OWH can be an ally to you and vice versa.We can talk more about that later if he does not already know what is going on.Exposure to the families will be needed and also work perhaps but we can assess that later.Does anyone in the family know yet? Family can be very supportive too and you need that now.I told everyone in my family and my In-Laws were so incredibly supportive to me.

4) Begin Plan A.Now,this will be hard and it's not always recommended while the A is ongoing.This is because it is hard to meet emotional needs(EN's) of your cheating spouse when the other person(OP) is doing that on the side.Dr.Harley suggests doing this after the A has ended but you can start trying to talk about things,be calm and supportive( as hard as that is) and continue to take care of YOU and the kids.Make your home an inviting place to be.Your WH will blame you for everything so he doesn't have to look at himself.That is what they all do to justify their abhorrent behavior.

But don't allow your WH to have extra fuel for the fire by yelling,blaming him yourself and being disrespectful(LB's,DJ,s,etc).If you look like a "mental case" to him,he will go with that and feel more justified that he is with the homewrecking OW.A lot of dealing with the A is being calm and rational as painful as it all is and we do know.It's similar to dealing with a crack addict or alcoholic.They are sick so tread with care.You have every right to tell your WH that what he does hurts you and the kids.

5) Check with your doctor if you are unable to sleep well,eat properly and are having wide mood swings,all of which are normal given the circumstances.You need to be healthy not only to endure this rollercoaster but you have two young children to take care.Many of us have been on AD's(antidepressants) for brief periods to help cope with the severe emotional pain of finding out.I was on them for 10 months and they helped me tremendously.Just be aware that that option is available if needed and don't be afraid to ask about it.Not all AD's are bad news.They can help.

Hope this helps to start.Hang in there.We are here for you.

O

Is OW married? If she is single, does she have a boyfriend?

What is the work association between your H and OW? Is one of them a supervisor over the other?

Do you know OW's info? Name. Age. Children.

One part of Plan A is to expose the affair to public scrutiny. Affairs are kept secret for a reason .... the general public frowns upon people having affairs.

Thanks for the post, it has helped steer me in the right direction. THis website has been a godsend since everyone I talk to about this, my friends and family think I am crazy to try to make this work.

About the OW, she is married, and has only been married two years. My H said that they were having problems, obviously. After I found the cell phone bill and found out she was married, I asked if her H knew and how he felt about it. He said he knew, but it didnt matter to him because their marriage was doomed anyway. So I let it go, thinking at the time that there was hope, I didn't realize how much love, sex, and lies there were with this OW.

So after he tried to end it with her the second time, unsuccessfully, I decided to try to find her H and see if she was planning to leave hime for my H. All I had was his last name, and the name of the company he worked for. I did an internet search and found who I thought it was. I sent him a very simple to the point email stating who I was and that I know that his wife and my husband were having an affair. I told him I needed to know where I stand and what decisions have been made. I asked him to email me so we could talk. That's it.

That night I get a fuming mad phone call from my H, stating I was being mean cruel and malicious to her and I had no right to interfere. He said there was no need for me to go through all the details about the affair and how she was in love with him and about all the sex they have been having. He apparently tricked her into spilling everything and she blames me and now my husband feels even more sorry for her and feels like she needs him so much more now becasue as a result of me contacting him, he has left her. She wanted to end it her own way, without him ever knowing about my H.

I thought it was the right thing to do, and obviously he didn't know about the affair. I thought that my H knew she wanted to make her marriage work it would help. She wants to divorce her husband and be with mine. She keeps brainwashing him to make him feel like he is in the same situation as she and her H are. He has tried to break it off from her 3 times now and she keeps making him feel guilty and crying to him telling him how much she loves him and needs him so much. I just can't compete.

I know if I can only get him away from her brainwashing it would be possible, I know him. That's why I talked him into going home to be with his parents. I know they want what is best for him and know he truely loves me and our girls. His family does know, but they only know "his" side of the story, that he had an affair becuase he felt like I didn't love him anymore, becasue I have been so consumed with work and the kids. THey think I can't forgive him, they don't know that I can't start to reconcile until HE breaks up with HER! I hope he is starting to be honest with them this week. He left Sunday and hasn't talked to either me or her yet, as far as I know.

I am just not sure where to go from here. I'll start with getting the books mentioned and keeo reading posts here. I hope there are some more stories of inspiration becasue I really need that right now......

ts
I am sorry your are here. We all know what you are going through. Your WH sounds alot like all of ours. He is deep in the A fog.
Take the advise of the vets here, they know what they are talking about and they will give you some insight on what to do.
MY WH is still in the fog since July and at this moment living with the ow even though he has another apt. I do catch occasional glimpses of my loving H, I think the A is burning out. But he is not ready to give her up but I DO believe there is hope.
Take care of yourself and read alot.....

[color:"red"] She wants to divorce her husband and be with mine. [/color]

She wants your children to grow up away from their father too!

and this is one of your greatest weapons ....

say to your H: [color:"blue"] "OW wants you to split up our children's home. I am opposed to that . I am willing to fight against that. Are you?" [/color]

>About the OW, she is married, and has only been married two years. My H said that they were having problems, obviously.

Ahh, what did you think he would tell you? Did you think your H would say the OW was happily married? Secondly, if they are keeping the A secret, be sure that lying goes along with this game. At this point, doubt everything your H is saying about this A! He has been living a lie and thus will lie to continue it.


>That night I get a fuming mad phone call from my H, stating I was being mean cruel and malicious to her and I had no right to interfere

As others will say in here, EXPOSURE is THE key. He is mad because now they have been found out! Affairs can only exist in secret. Once exposed, that puts new pressure on their illicit behavior. Nothing like shinning the light into a darkened backseat of a car to reveal two lovers, right? So keep on shining the light. Forget that H is upset! He is already with the OW! You can't drive him any more into her arms than he already is! But by exposing it to the OW husband, he can now apply pressure too from his side.

> I just can't compete.

Yes you CAN and you ARE. As I have been told, it is not a race, but a marathon. Your tatics may seem drastic, but do you want to save your M?

>I am just not sure where to go from here. I'll start with getting the books mentioned and keeo reading posts here. I hope there are some more stories of inspiration becasue I really need that right now......

Keep visiting her as often as possible. Over the next weeks, you will see that your situation is textbook. I know I was amazed that my WW A was and is classic. They all are and very rarely differ. Only the names are different. What the WS says about the need for the A is always textbook. They all say the same thing. Right now it is just babble and your H is in a fog. That is the common term for someone who is in an A and really can't think straight.

So, get informed. Get educated on the why's and what you can expect. It's time to go back to school and learn what is going on. You are not helpless, and in fact, you will learn over time how you can regain control of the situation. Remember, right now H is in control! What you will need to do is get control for yourself!

One thing you CANNOT do is apease him. Never beg, cry, or try and hold onto him. That is exactly the WRONG thing to do at this point. Try and read Dr Dobson's book on Tough Love. It is written from a christian perspective, but the principles are excellent. Pandering at this point though is the wrong thing to do. But as humans, we think that pandering will help, but if you need to discipline your child, will you bargain with them? Will you pat them on the back and tell them to simply not do it again?

H is in a fog and right now you are in chaos. Get a grip and get some control. Participating in here is one of the best things for you. Once you see that you are not alone and that many in here have successfully repaired their marriages, you will become stronger.

So, get to work! It aint over till its over. Don't believe H or anything he says! He is fogged out and can't even think straight! But, you have a much cleared head. So use it to your advantage.

Keep your chin up. I know it is tough to go through, but you are not alone.

p47d




After I found the cell phone bill and found out she was married, I asked if her H knew and how he felt about it. He said he knew, but it didnt matter to him because their marriage was doomed anyway. So I let it go, thinking at the time that there was hope, I didn't realize how much love, sex, and lies there were with this OW.

Hi again,

I'll reiterate a few things already said by the fine folks here:



Very typical behavior.Whenever a WS says that they have told the other spouse it's usually a lie.It's good to know you e-mailed the OWH.Hopefully he will contact you and you can compare notes.You DID do the right thing.I am glad you realize that.So many here really doubt themselves due to the anger that follows but it's very necessary that everyone know what is going on.It just foils the fantasy.Don't believe one word about this being cruel and that it's over.It's all fogspeak.

Reality hasn't set in and it won't for some time.We have two families about to be destroyed by these two sick and selfish people.They have not yet thought about alimony,child support,dual homes,selling homes,visitation,divorce,and on and on if they run off into the hills to be together.It's all been about the escape and fantasy and that is blowing up right now.

You DO NOT want to compete with a homewrecking OW.You do not want your WH back,you want your loving faithful husband back,the one you married.That is what you search for and word toward.Right now he is buried under the A ugliness.You will have to face the fact that it will be very tough throughout this whole ordeal and there is a very real possibility the marriage will end.But,focus on what needs to be done and have hope.

Your WH will not be able to resume feelings for you as long as this OW is in the way.Ending the A is critical to any recovery happening.It's non-negotiable.

Where you go from here is to follow the suggestions I gave you,read and learn via books and this site and remember,this is a long,slow arduous process.Each day may seem like an eternity but you must take care of yourself and be in counseling to cope.You cannot do this on your own and we are only giving advice based on our personal experiences.But,as many of us believe,this site has had the best suggestions to saving your marriage as any we have found which is why we stay and try to help other's.

Take it one day at a time ok? There is a lot to cover and deal with.You have to be prepared for the long haul.

Stay Strong~

O

update: He just called for the first time since sunday saying that he is coming by tomorrow when I am at work to pick up some more stuff so that he can go away hunting with his family for the week.

So when I asked how he's doing he says rough, but he is getting by, then I asked well, have you made any progress? Meaning have you decided to leave her yet, since that was why he went up there to remove himself from her and think about what he really wanted, NOOOOOOOOOOO, he went there to take a vacation from his problems, he just wants to forget about it all for awhile, its too much trouble for him.

I'm dying over here, trying to take care of these two kids by myself, and he's on vacation, no cares, no worries, no remorse, no responsibility, and his parents are supporting him!!!!

I got so mad at him over the phone that I hung up before I would fight, I know I have to avoid crying anf fighting, but I just don't know how. He acts like he doesn't care at all anout me or the kids, it's killing me. THis is not the man I married. I am so afraid to see him tomorrow, I don't know if I should just drop the kids off with him then go out? I don't know what will happen if I see him like this. Then I know I won't see him again untill next Wed. Of course I don't know if he is still talking to her, but I am sure he still gives her all his love and support, but acts like I am annoying him and making things difficult for wanting to know if there is even a chance.
Please help....

I would be sure to check that he is going hunting with his family, and not taking off with the OW. Then I would contact the other woman's husband again, and let him know that your marriage is being destroyed. Tell him about this site.

Also you can read all about Plan A here, and start applying it.

By the way, have you let his parents know that he is having an affair?

Ts:

A few things here. I am sorry for this situation here, but this is all kind of textbook stuff and the good thing is that there are tried and true methods for helping to end this affair and get your broken marriage into a recovery of some sort...listen to the others here who want to guide you on this.

Goodluck

Lem

P.S. For my own curiosity sake, does your Wayward Husband drive a truck, smoke cigarettes, have any military experience. What job does he do for a living?

Ha, I think I actually smiled at that question. I pictured Jeff Foxworthy. That's his Dad, actually more like that Earl guy on that new show, LOL.

No he doesn't drive a truck, smoke, and was never in the military, although he used to love playing war games like axis and allies and such. He is a data coordinator from a small PA hick town, we met in college. THanksgiving and hunting are a big event for his extended family. I am actually going to miss Thanksgiving there this year for the first time in 12 years, (I leave after dinner- no hunting for me). But I know he is staying with his grandparents and cousins. It makes it so much more difficult during the holidays. I am kinda glad the kids are too young to understand that we are missing Thanksgiving because their dad is being selfish. I don't know how I am going to handle Christmas, we already picked secret santa names for his family, and there is no way I can participate like this.

His family knows, although they only know his truth. Every time I talk to his mom I tell her something she didn't know, so he is giving her a very slanted story and I don't think anything I say will change that. She doesn't want to believe her perfect son could do anything that terrible, it must be my fault. She kept asking ME, if he changes his ways would I take him back, well.....he has to stop seeing and sleeping with his girlfriend first. I really had hoped she would talk some sense into him, but it seems she was just there to let him vent and to feel sorry for him. And here I am working, taking care of the kids by myself, and trying to stay strong. I just wait until the kids are finally asleep before I spend the night crying myself to sleep while he takes a vaction from "dealing with this".....

Hmmm...

Does the state of Pennsylvania stir up negative feelings with anyone else in the MB community? ... anyhoo ...

Sorry, a couple of wires crossed in my brain after reading "PA" in the previous post, and I found it hilariously funny (entirely too funny, in fact). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />