I am new to this board and hope I am doing this right. I found you on the internet. I am new to my state and I have no family or friends to turn to. To make a very long story short, my husband had an affair last year with a gal who worked for him. We chose to stay together and she was told not to call or speak with my husband. She did transver out from under him to another department, but it left them there alone on sundays when the rest of the plant is not working. Even though she was in a different area, it still left it wide open for visits to his office and she would not stop calling him. SOOOOO we packed up and moved out of state. My Husband was able to transver in his company and for the last year things have been better. He recently promoted and now has a postion in an office that is 90% women. His boss is a women and he has to travel some. First week on the job he had to go to LA with a team of 12 (6 gals 6 guys) and stayed all week. The two women in charged planned all kinds of cuties stuff for the team to do toghter. (Dinner, sight seeing ect) The next week he had to stay in a hotel with his boss.(Training meetings) Later in the week I called his work and his boss is in his new office helping him move furniture around. She has already asked him to lunch several times and now next week he has to return to LA with the team. Stay all week again and they have a holiday party planned for wednesday night after work at someones house who lives in LA. Am I crazy or is this weird. Is it wrong for me to ask him not to go? Is it wrong for me to question why the women has to help him move his stuff around? Is it wrong for me to be so affriad that an affair is going to happen again. He is the kind of guy who cant say no. Tends to be a follower. Will follow someone right off the bridge if you know what I mean. The trust is gone and I can not seem to get it back. To make it worst his frist trip away he felt pressued to do all the cuties things planned for the group and instead of telling me he lied about going. I am so ful of fear and anxiety that I have seen a doctor who put me on med's. I showed up in the ER with blood pressure 179 over 114.. I can now see why staying together is the harder choice. Please someone help me.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

That is very true. Sorry that you have to be here. It does sound like your H did understand that his previous A was a big mistake. Was he also remorseful for hurting you and does he understand why your need for him to be an open book is necessary for you to recover.

Have the two of you done anything to strengthen and affair-proof your marriage since his A? Have you been to MC?

I can certainly understand why you don't trust him, but has he done anything specific to make you think he will have another affair, or is it simply that he did it once, what is keeping him from doing it again?

All of that said, my FWH's A took place almost completely during business trips. OW worked for him as a free lancer and lived 3000 miles away and although she had no official reason to join him, he paid for her airfare out of his own pocket so she could join him.

It is really kind of sad when you think about it, because he wouldn't take her to any conference social activities or dinners with coworkers or clients so she just sat in their hotel room waiting to be used by him at his convenience!

Keep in mind that not all business associates use official travel as an excuse and/or opportunity to cheat. I travel extensively on business and it is almost always with men. We have an occasional drink and usually dine together as well and I have never been tempted to make it anything more.

Please give us a little more background on your situation. There are many folks here who are ready willing and able to help you get thru this.

Bless You,

Who

Click on the link on this site for policy of joint agreement and read about it and do it together. While you are at it read all the wonderful topics regarding infidelity. You and your hubby need to come to terms on what you both expect from each other. I think it is very hopeful that you both can work this out since he did leave his other job to save your marriage. At the same time you have reason to be suspicious. Ask him to fly home on Wednesday instead of staying for a party.... I struggle daily with trust issues and understand your pain. At the same time my whole existence is no longer wrapped up in what my husband may or may not do. I have placed my hope in the One who will never fail me. Jesus Christ my Savior and my Lord. Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

sixbaptist,
POJA, just what I was thinking too - definitely study up on that - it is critical to the health of your marriage that the two of you respect & learn not to do things w/o the other person's ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT (we use "how do you feel about that on a scale of 1 to 10, hon?" 10 means go for it, 2 or 3 means back to the drawing board!) and to negotiate.

Your H would benefit from the Shirley Glass philosophy of marriage of walls and windows. Your life with your spouse should be all windows, and your life with persons of the opposite sex should be all walls (with regard to meeting emotional needs or having emotional needs met by others). Walls & windows. That means not involving himself in a bunch of recreational companionship with the office cuties, and not letting them cry on his shoulder about their cruel boyfriends, uncaring husbands, rotten mother-in-laws, selfish kids, etc etc etc.

My H got into his affair with his female (married w/ 3 children under age 4) boss just as you describe - lots of lunches, coffees, and business trips.

Your H should be making EVERY effort to restore your trust and not put you in a position of having to question his activities, behavior, company, or whereabouts. Ideally, HE would be making his behavior an transparent as possible, and live in such a way as to not invite any suspicion from you. I mean, he was willing to move to another state to save your marriage, he obviously is willing to DO something other than defend his behavior, so I have high hopes for him. I just think he is confused (our society's messages, alas) about male/female business relationships and what he needs to do to regain your trust.

And katlady couldn't be more right about something else, Jesus will never fail us, God doesn't betray or lie, God doesn't forsake us or ever disappoint us with His grace, love, mercy, peace and faithfulness. This life ultimately isn't about you and your FWH, it is about you & God, and him & God... sometimes that knowledge is all that keeps me sane when the mistrust starts to build.

MSA