Hi,
First let me say "Thank You" in advance to all those who will reply. I really need some help sorting this out. I apologize:this will be a long post but I will try to be as "factually brief" as possible. Second: In spite of what follows, let me say that H is, for the most part, very attentive and affectionate. He is a good provider and I know he loves me and our daughter. He says I am everything he needs and he is happy. I've asked: "is there something missing?" No. We just have this problem
we can't seem to solve. My spirit is slowly dying and my heart is broken.

H and I have known each other for 20 years. We met in grade school and were friends. During our HS years, he dated my best friend. During that time, whenever he and GF (my best friend) had a spat, I was the emotional support. We developed a bond over time which always left me feeling silently bereft when they would patch things up. Ultimately, they broke up and' for about a year, I saw nothing of him. During our 2nd year of college, he sought me out and we began to date. I had always felt attracted to him, but never acted upon it. Apparently, he felt the same. It started with a Valentine card-out of the blue-telling me how I would always have a special place in his life and heart. I resisted a relationship with him at first for fear I'd suffer a broken heart. Again. He was tenacious and charming...Our relationship began in earnest and we were very happy.

Fast forward to 4 years later. We had graduated from college and were living together for the first time. He was working 2 jobs and was rarely home. In an effort to spend some time together, I would make dinner several nights a week and take it to him at work. He was always very appreciative. We did find some time for recreational things together, but not as much as in the past. I began to notice, while I was there serving dinner, that several of the women had developed very close friendships with him. Always looking to him for counsel and support. I didn't think much of it until I went in one day and, on one girl's computer, he had typed a revolving screen saver that was a quote from a book about love I had given him. Along with 69 cents taped on her monitor which she said he had given her. They had been very close friends during school: graduated together, studied same subjest, worked closely on projects etc...I think I questioned him, but to be honest I can't remember now. (The list is so long.) Shortly thereafter, she moved into our apartment complex. She would call on him for all kinds of help, personal and professional. Even spent the night at our apartment once when I wasn't there. (They had moved her waterbed that night-she had no bed. So she slept on the couch...) Coincidenttly, he had lied to me about his activities that night. Told me he wasn't available to help me with something very imporatant bcause he was working. He wasn't working. He was helping her move her bed. Oh, but that was after work and I love you and we're
"just friends". I buried it. I buried it all because he said they were "just friends" and I was overreacting he said. Eventually, she left the job, apartment and our lives. For awhile.

In the meantime, "Friend #2" enters the picture. A corporate trainer hired to teach he and co-workers new software. They become great friends. Rumors fly about work surrounding their behavior and I ask but they're "just friends". I buried it. After all, they're "just friends and I was overreacting. She leaves the workplace to move on to next project. For awhile. During that time, I began to broach the subject of marriage. He flips out and tells me he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. I am devastated and prepare to leave. No, I love you. Don't go.

Next summer: He went on vacation alone to visit mutual friends and family. I hear NOTHING from him for a week. Finally, when he meets up with his parents, his mother tells him I am frantic with worry and he calls. Guess what? In addition to his time spent with mutual friends, he has met up with friend #2 (see above) and spent several days in a B&B in Maine. Mountain climbing and sightseeing. Shared room, but it's OK because they're "just friends." She needed some time away from her husband because they were having problems and he wanted to see Maine. But it's OK. They're "just friends". I was overreacting said he so I buried it.

The next year goes relatively well. We take a vacation together and he introduces me to extended family. We talk about and, ultimately, buy a home together. I know he continues some contact with friend #2 because I answer at least one phone call from her. She lives out of town now so why should I worry? After all, they're "just friends." I buried it. We are happy and I feel safe. For awhile.
The next year is even better. He proposes marriage in the most romantic way and declares his love for me in front of our families and complete strangers. We marry, are happy, and I feel safe. For awhile.

Sometime during the year following our marriage, I find out that he has been spending his dinner break (for a brief time) at the home of a single co-worker who has been cooking for him. But it's OK. They're "just friends". I was overreacting said he and I buried it. Yet it eats at me...so I went to counseling. He joined me several times but concluded my pain was not his fault. It was a result of my parents' bad marriage.

Within next 2 yrs: Develops a close friendship with female client. She completely invaded our lives. She ingratiated herself to me and pretended to be my friend. She traveled with us on vacation and she and her husband joined us for T-giving. She was so dependant on my H that, after losing her job which kept her in constant contact with him, proceeded to call him everyday. Multiple times. Usually on his cell phone or our home phone after I went to work. But it was OK. They were "just friends". I noticed that she very abruptly, after more than a year of daily calls, stopped calling him. Apparently, things started to go bad in her marriage and she made some sort of "inappropriate" gesture toward my H. I was glad that he had the respect to end it, but felt uncomfortable that things had escalated to that point. I buried it. It didn't matter because they were just friends and now she's gone forever. We're sure I would have overreacted eventually.

Next year: Things are very rough for H professionally. Has to leave his job and strike out on his own as an independant contractor. Very tough year for us financially but I try to do everything I can to keep up morale and support him. Sometime during this year he meets her. The one that changes everything forever. I don't know where or how they met. I know they worked together but I don't know doing what,. What project? Don't know. The one that causes all the buried feelings to erupt. He begins to criticize me and get angry at small things. He lashes out in anger at his sister and injures her physically and emotionally. He begins to ignore me emotionally and physically. He tells me he is just helping her with things here and there, but it becomes increasingly apparent something is not right. He gets up in the middle of the night to chat online and swap email with her and gets constant text messages and phone calls that are "private". Days off were spent at her home "helping with computer things." Again, a married woman with problems in marriage. I begin to ask questions and I am again met with the "just friends" line. More than anytime before I don't believe it. I do something I've never done before or since: I invade his privacy. I read emails and looked at cell phone bills. It was all there. Every heartbreaking detail. I confront him about it and I am made to feel guilty, dirty, wrong. Yes, invading his privacy was wrong but I was desperate. Tired of being brushed off and told my feelings were invalid. I did something very weak. I conceded. I aplogized. I begged for forgiveness. The affair went on for a bit longer until, one day, he was "working" overnight with her and ignored my phone calls. I was defeated. Broken. He treated me like a nuisance. Something you wouldn't stop to scrape off your shoe. During the following week he was supposed to meet me somewhere and didn't show up. I called and he was with her. He eventually arrived but was very rude to me. Almost as if I had interrupted something. Enough. During the next week I snapped. I screamed, I cried, I told him he was killing me with his behavior and demanded answers. He said it was not physical but he cared for her. I wanted to know if he wanted to work things out. I loved him desperately, did he love me. Didn't know. So as I got ready for worked on Friday I packed some things and I took the weekend off. Stayed in a hotel with my sister. By Friday afternoon he had messaged me that he was going to go to counseling himself. I was happy. I had already started that process myself. On Saturday night he asked me to dinner. I went and tried to be up-beat. Happy to see him. Talked about things like nothing was wrong. Until time to go. I wanted him to ask me home but he didn't. So I went back to my temporary shelter. On Sunday I decided I didn't want to be away from home anymore. If someone was going to leave it wasn't going to be me. I loved him. I believed we could make it work. So I went home and we went forward from that day. Went to counseling individually but never together. (His idea.) We agreed if we felt we couldn't work it out we'd go together.

A year passed smoothly and he approached me about having a baby. We'd had an "oops" scare that turned out to be a false alarm and I was very sad. I think he was too. 2 fays later he said "let's have a baby". I asked for reassurance that what has happened in the past was not going to happen again. I got that, so the trying started. That has never been a problem for us...we've always had a healthy, passionate physical realtionship.(Except during EA with last woman.) After almost a full year of TTC, we were pg! I called to tell him at work and everyone heard me scream with joy. He was so happy! But...there was a work party that night that I was not invited to...so I sat at home alone with my joy until 1 am. I tried not to let it hurt but it did. A little.

The remainder of the year passed without any incident and my pregnancy was a time of great joy for us. Until...he started coming home smelling like womans perfume. I knew who it was. Let's call her #5. Yep. This is number FIVE! I'd met her. I'd heard him talk about her. She does this, she does that. Needs me for this, helped with that. I asked, "Why do you smell of her perfume?" Not the first day, mind you, but after several weeks of daily nausea as a result of her stench. Pregnancy heightens your sense of smell but this was overpowering. And it began again...the justification. The betrayal. "We had a bad day. She just needed a hug." She's married and so are you. Get your hugs at home. We were invited to a baby shower for their boss and she and he were the last to show up. Together. There is always a reason and I'm sure most of them are legitimate but at this point I have no tolerance. I've heard them all before. Oh yes...they're "just friends". And guess what? I'm overreacting! So I tried to take the high ground. Trust, I said. You are carrying his child and he loves you. Forget about the phone calls on days off and the late nights. The rides home and to work when her car breaks down and the haircuts she gives him when things are slow at work. Forget about it because you're just overreacting. After all, they're "just friends". Oh I guess I tried to bury it.
So I began to try to make friends with her. I thought if we got to know each other maybe things would make sense. Maybe she'd see how happy we were and back off. Be kind. Be respectful. HA! What a joke.
Two days before our co-ed babyshower which included all of our friends, she and his boss threw him a shower at work and didn't ask me to come. Mind you, I understand and respect this was for HIM, not me. I am completely able to understand that. It would have been nice had they asked me to join so I could celebrate with them. That's why we had a co-ed shower...so the celebration was for BOTH of us. at our shower, she had the audacity to introduce herself and two of his other female co-workers to our families as his "harem". Nice. Real class act, huh? Slowly, during the weeks leading up to the birth of our daughter, that comment trickled down to me. All the while she was emailing me regularly asking if we needed help with anything and asking how I was feeling. I wanted to say, "Get AWAY from me!" but out of respect for my husbands "friendship" and career I just went along. Trying to convince myself if I was her friend it would all be OK.
The day of our daughters' birth he was in constant contact with her. Messaging all the details, and was probably the first person he contacted when she was born. (All of our family was already there.)
One week after our daughters birth, my husband hads to take a late night trip to the ER because he was bitten by a raccoon. Let's just say: Pet door and cats being chased inside. Of course there was no way we would take a 1wk old to the ER sso he had to go alone. We called a long-time friend and asked if he'd help. He was at work but said he'd meet H at ER. Just call. So he left...and messaged her. She left her H, her home, t 1 am to rush to my H side. They both say he told her not to come but c'mon...he extended an unspoken invitation by contacting her and telling her which hospital. Now, don't misunderstand, I was very upset that he had to go alone. No-one wants to face a situation like that alone. It broke my heart. That's why we called our mutual friend who said he'd come. So I heard nothing until 5am because no cell phone use was allowed. At 5am I got a call from her. I was shocked. She gave me all the details and told me he was resting quietly. Told me that she and the staff were taking good care of him and she'd be escorting him home shortly. I tried to sound grateful, but I guess my tone gave me away. She called his cell phone and emailed several times to check on him. She emailed me several days later to apologize for the apparent "weirdness" of the situation. How the nurses at the hospital, their co-workers and even her husband thought it was a little suspicious that she'd gone. But they're "just friends." I wrote back and told her, although I was glad my H was not alone, I found her condust to be inappropriate under the circumstances. Told her I thought she was taking advantage of us when we were in a vulnerable position. She wrote back saying she had no designs on my H, was happy in her M and was reasonably certain my H was too. Right...So the farce continued. Me trying hard to understand and be friendly and she and H continuing to get closer. Now I have been completely honest with H about my feelings but remember: They're "just friends". He loves me and is very happy so I am, overreacting. He hired her to help him with some independant projects outside work, so they have even more in common. More contact. But it's "just friends". So I bury it.

The last straw: H decided he wanted to go to NYC for a professional conference relevant to their field of work. He approached the powers that be about sending him so he could train and teach the material and, Voila! All of a sudden, she was going too! not only was she going, but she was in charge of the travel arrangements. Including the room arrangements. Now, I asked H several weeks before the trip if they would be sharing a room. He said "Absolutely not! That would be inappropriate." He knew I felt the same way so I trusted he'd find out and, if necessary, make the appropriate changes. He didn't. He got there and found they were sharing a suite. Seperate sleeping rooms but shared bathroom and common space. He knew I'd object, yet he found nothing wrong with it. So they spent all day together in classes, ate all their meals together, went sightseeing together and slept in the same suite. But it's OK because after all, they're "just friends". And I'm overreacting.

Wow...

To answer your question - you are not overreacting. The pros will probably chime in soon and give you some really great advice. Until then, start reading. Read the concepts, read all over the site.

FYI - it is Wayward Spouse script for him to tell you that it's just your imagination. Please don't feel like you're crazy or anything - most Betrayed Spouses on the site were fed the "we're just friends" line. There's a new post floating near the top about the 15 steps leading into an affair. Please read it - I bet you'll see a lot of what your H is going through.

Cat

I'm sorry, but that "just friends" bit makes your H sound like exactly the character who thought he was "helping" the women he was "friends" with, like my W, by sleeping with them - and ripping up their lives in the process.

BrokenHeartGirl,

There is actually a very good book titled, "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's definately a good read, along with "Surviving an Affair" by W. Harley jr. and J. Chalmers (avail on this site).

As for overreacting, it sounds to me like it's time for you ACT. Read up, consume all the information you can. Be prepared to battle for your M if that's what you want. You've certainly got loads of stamina.

I'm still very battle weary myself and continue to work on things with my WH. There will be others along very soon that have great suggestions and thoughts that I'm sure will get you started.

In the meantime, I'm sorry you are here, but know you have found a great group of people that really do care and won't steer you wrong!

Just keep breathing...

You know what 5 "just friends" all with women. Honey - I would get away from this guy. He is a serial cheat. I am so sorry with the joy of a new baby and home that you are going tro this. It saddens me to see how selfish you WH is. He thinks of nothing else but himself.

I wish I could reach out & give you a hug my friend.
I'm so sorry & please know you're not the only one who's heard the line of BULL S^&T!!!

I hope you have some proof of his actions, past & present.
If not do some work. Get your ducks in a row.
Do everything you can to protect yourself & daughter.

I so wish you'd have gotten a counselor that would have addressed this. It's much like what I've experienced during my marriage and fear will happen again.

I wish you all the best & hope you get some great advice on the steps to take.

It seems that as you wrote this, you got more insight into the situation and didn't believe it, but while you were caught up in each of the five cases, five that you know of, you were too close and wanted to believe him. This is a classic reaction. My MC keeps reminding me that I have a problem seeing reality, I think you may too. There is the person you love and think you know, and there is this other person that keeps hurting you and seeking out others. My WH admits that he "needs" other women to want and desire him and he seeks this out. But he only slightly understands why he does this. To me, there isn't any change until this is a more complete understanding and healing why a person acts like this. Thus, the risk is high for repeat behavior.

I would suggest IC for you. It seems as though you haven't provided any consequenses to your H for his inappropriate behavior, thus, he will repeat it. I am so sorry this is happening to you, you need to think of yourself and your child. Have you thought of asking for a seperation, or for him to leave?

Thank You all for your candid and heartfelt responses. As I read my diatribe after I posted it, I realized three things:
1. One makes a-lot of grammatical and spelling errors while emotionally unloading. (lol)
2. My anger and hurt are so overwhelming I didn't include any of the wonderful things H and I share, and
3. I left out some important insights I have gained along this road.

The innumerable good things are what has kept me in this R. H has always been extremely loving and caring except when involved in EA #4. He makes me feel beautiful and valued most of the time. With the exception of the times we have clashed over EA's, we have a good marriage. Yet it's like a record that has a skip. We just keep going back to the same pattern. I truly believe, like the pp said, that H has a problem with developing inappropriate emotional attachments to women because he has a desire to be adored by them. I've thought this for some time now. For what reason? I don't know. I have asked him if he feels this way and, of course, he says no. He says I am all he needs. His actions say otherwise, though dont't they? I've even gone so far as to call current EA OW his "back-up". At first he got angry and said, "I don't need a back-up," but recently made a joke of it. He has a problem and now that problem is destroying my feelings for him. Don't get me wrong, I love him very much, but I don't like his behavior. That makes it hard to care for him. I have always been extremely nurturing and selfless, especially when it comes to him. Now I almost feel malevolent toward him sometimes. I feel such conflict because I know he loves me, and our daughter dearly, but I am appalled by his behavior. A behavior pattern he is either not aware of or cunning enough to deny. A behavior he can't seem to stop. Maybe he doesn't want to? Maybe he doesn't know how? Not sure.

Let me also say this: Another aspect of this that hurts so much is that he works non-stop. Meaning: he is with her ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time. I am caring for our daughter and home almost completely alone. (He takes care of all the financials and will help with things if I ask. When he's here...) Even when he is not working, he makes himself available to her-whichever "her" it has happened to be-for anything. ALL the time. His cell phone is almost always on and AOL IM is always up. He gets "work-related" phone calls, messages and emails constantly. After EA #4 I demanded that the cell phone be off at night after arriving home and it is almost 100% of the time. The rare weekend, weekday or holiday off finds the phone on. The phones we have support AOL IM, email and text messages so he's always reachable. Makes me really mad...He justifies it by saying he is self employed/independant contractor. That is true, but turn the IM off and screen your phone calls when you're with your family why doncha?

BHG....just read your story...wow......

Sometimes as things are happening we don't see the red flags as clearly, but now sort of in hind sight you are seeing it....

Even if he is not having a PA, he is having a EA. I have no doubt. It is impossible to be so close with a woman as he is at any given point in time and not have an EA.

I think you are in for a tough road. His behaviour will not change....he has been at it too long and as far as he is concerned it is working! It has been going on for years, he knows you love him, and he does not see you going anywhere....

It does not sound to me as if he will leave you for the OW...there have been many and he did not leave.....it sounds like this is just perfect....he is married hence no OW can expect more from him and at the same time he can have his fun....I am so sorry to be blunt but that is what it sounds like to me....

If he is only having a EA, then he does not get that it is an EA and he does not get how much it is hurting you. You are not crazy to want your H to be home with you! It is not normal for him to hang with her so much even if they are co-workers! That does not matter.

I think you will need to do something. As a poster above said, you need to ACT. It is not easy, believe me but it is the only way that things will change....

What do you want?

Do you want to be married?

If so, than you will need to learn how to express your hurt without demanding anything or without yelling and getting angry.....You will have to learn how to establish your bounderies and have your H respect them.

Please read what is available on this sight....all the basic concepts...it is a good place to start...


All the best!

Daisy

**bump**

Good morning BHG,

How are you feeling this morning? Did you speak to H last night? When will he be back home?

Cat

Hi
I'm OK. Yes, H is home. He's been home since late Saturday night. We've had a few very brief discussions, but nothing conclusive. He actually has a few days off next week so I'm hoping we can spend some time talking. Usually, his time off consists of him playing computer games while I care for the baby. (Which is what I do all day, everyday.) We do run errands together when he is off, but we rarely do anything these days I'd really call "fun". We are going away for the weekend and I think we'll try to go to the movies while we have grandparents to babysit.

I'll see you all on Sunday! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
BHG

<<bump>>

I understand your position. You have wanted to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, but you have to go by your instincts. I know, I also was treated like "it was all in my head", and he would never do that to me. It was just a cover to get me off his tracks, which is what your husband is doing.

I reached the point that I proved his affair, because I was tired of being treated like I was stupid. So I planted a voice activated recorder in his truck, and got a recording of them alone. I also was able to get copies of 9 months worth of cell phone detailed bills, which showed every call. I also tracked his emails and retrieved those off the computer of her saying he was sexy (but they were just co-workers...). They will all lie to cover up what they are doing, and make you think you are crazy for ever doubting them!

Your husband has had multiple affairs, and has managed to get you to believe him instead of your instincts. Don't ever question your instincts. Test his honesty.

Affairs hurt, whether they are emotional or physical. You must establish some repercussions for his behavior or he will never stop. You must insist on his ending this relationship immediately. If he does not, and it is an emotional affair, it can quickly develop into a physical one, which may have happened when they went on the trip out of town. They already depend upon each other too much emotionally. There was no reason for her to be in the ER with him period, he is YOUR husband, not hers. If you could not go, he should be man enough to go alone. The fact that he had to call her to comfort him should concern you greatly.

Don't let him make a fool out of you. If you want to learn how men think when they are having affairs, read "The Script". It will enlighten you as to his behavior and will help give you some insight that you really need right now, and some tips as to what you can do. Get a step ahead of him for a change.

Lastly, I think this website has a lot of very useful information. Using this discussion forum provides all of us with a way of talking to others who have been where we are. We can all help each other.

I had to prove my husband had been lying to me all the time, but in my heart I already knew the truth. It was the most hurtful experience of my life, and we are trying to recover now. He is home and has cut off all contact with her 6 months ago...but the pain I still feel. Yes, he worked with her too and he was also an Independent Contractor, whom I was trying to encourage just like you. I told him fire her or get out. He resisted at first, saying she was just a worker, but I trusted my instincts. That's when I planted the voice activated recorder, and then insisted he fire her immediately. He did.

Don't play friends with this other woman. She will be laughing behind your back while she's with your man. She is not your friend and never will be.

You are not overreacting, but your husband is counting on you continuing to buy his story, so he can continue to cheat. Having sex or not, it is still cheating. She is getting something from him that belongs to you.

So far you have not mentioned exposing the A/ea/pa whatever to anyone. Consider exposing to OW's H. If is isn't an A, then the other side will understand. If it is an A, it's best the OW's H knows. Either way, the exposure is good but could make the WS and OW angry.

Anger on the part of the WS and OW are a tell tale sign it is an A. The more angry the more of an A it is (ie: EA to PA many times over). Be aware and when he lashes out at you, let him know that his anger is giving you more proof it is an A. Then let him confuse the heck out of himself.

So r u over reacting? IMHO no, not yet.

Now go get yourself a good plan for your recovery.

L.