Hi all,

It's about 2 months after d-day, and I have yet to tell my family what's been happening. I'm away at college, and whenever my mom or another relative asks about WW, I lie. That doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

I know... I should just bite the bullet and tell my family. So far I've exposed to OMW and to my in-laws (they are all very supportive). I find talking to my family much scarier than the exposure I've done.

My parents got divorced when I was young, and my mom was very hurt by the process. From then on, I always had to be the emotionally stable one in my family. I'm worried that if I tell my mother, I will end up having to be emotionally supportive to her about the whole ordeal; rathering than getting support myself.

I just realized that I need to start posting here again. I stopped posting about myself when I starting talking to Steve @ MB.

Telling your families seems so easy for everyone else. I feel like I shouldn't be having such a hard time with it. I would welcome any advice or support about revealing my wife's affair and my own feelings (i.e. still wanting to recover our marriage) to my family.

Just a question - if the A is ended without exposure to your family, is it really necessary to tell them?

Sorry. I'll be more clear:

This info is encoded in my signature, but the A is alive and "well." My WW is living with OM. She moved out about 3 days after d-day.

Scott

Are you afraid of or otherwise just do not want to hear what they may say?

Family can be tremendously supportive or amazingly unsupportive. They generally take this sort of thing as personally as you do.

Identify the worst thing that may happen. Roll it around in your consciousness for a while. Get used to it. Decide on some responses.

When it most likely does not come out that all poorly, you will deal with it just fine. If it is as bad as you feared you are well prepared just the same.

Sounds like your mother is the dominant one here. Mine is an alcoholic – I was terrified of her finding out. She surprised me though. She just wanted to mother me. She even wanted to mother FWW.

With prayers,

PS: Happy to hear you are talking to SH. How is it going?

Tell your family. Family has a way of coming to the rescue when one of them is in need. This is a great time to ask for their support.

Aphelion,

After her divorce from my father, my mom has had difficulties with prescription drug addiction. I guess I'm afraid of too much "mothering" right now. I think she will want to "do something," and I will have to corral her and calm her down.

Counseling with SH is very helpful. Although right now I'm basically just waiting for WW's affair to end. It's a very helpless feeling. I'm hoping that spending holidays with a disapproving family with get some wheels spinning in her head.

Scott

I didn't mean mothering in a bad way. It was sincere caring with lots of cookies and chicken soup.

OK, DS lapped it up more than I did. But, to my own surprise, I did not mind it at all. And when I had enough, I had enough.

Maybe getting your mother to agree not to call FWW and explode all over her is the key here. So tell her that.

I know the helpless feeling. FWW left to be with OM. He did not join her after all (nuclear exposure intervened) but she stayed away almost six months.

Are you in a dark plan B? How long has SH recommended you wait?

With prayers,

SH advises me against ever going to a real Plan B because we have no children. I'm "laying low" and periodically "pinging" via email with pleasant comments (as per SH's advice). Although, since WW has recently started to "open up" (sorry about all the quotation marks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) more about what she saw as problems in our relationship, I've been engaging in some relationship talk with her. I've also broken down a few times and tried to educate her. SH stresses that at this point, trying to reason with her will have no effect or adverse effects.

Sorry, I realized what you meant by "mothering," but I twisted it a little to serve my purposes. I'm not completely confident in my mother's ability to engage in that good sort of mothering.

I agree that I need to clearly lay down boundaries with my mom... but then I feel like I'm exerting too much effort when my attention should be dedicated to more important things.

A good deal of exposure fallout is about to come crashing down on WW, so I'm a little hopeful. I'm going to be updating my story soon. I pretty much stopped posting (I kept reading and posting if I had something useful to say.) here when I starting talking to SH, but I realize that I really do need the support that this board provides.

Scott

NCN,

I just want to say that you sound very mature for your age and you really seem to have your head screwed on straight. I hope that came out as the compliment it was meant to be. Your wife is very young. I think it must be hard to know what you want at that age, or to recognize it when you have it. The twenties are a decade of change and personal growth. Hang in there.

Regarding your mom, maybe it's ok if you don't tell her right away. Your reasoning makes sense. I know this has been a very selfish year for me. I'm somewhat consumed with my own issues and don't have any energy to give to others right now. I don't feel guilty because it's not the usual me and I know it's temporary. I actually wish I had posted more here and spoke less to my family and friends. No one knows unless they've walked in our shoes. My family has been very supportive and know I still want WH back. They support me in that endeavor, albeit in a reserved way. I just hope some day I don't seriously regret unloading on them. However, at the end of the day, it's my life, my marriage, my choices.

Good luck and keep posting.

Thanks Shattered,

Of course what you describe as "head screwed on straight," my wife describes as "emotionally disconnected." ... and I admit that her assessment has more than a little truth to it. (Of course, like nearly everyone here, I do take issue with her method of dealing with problems in our marriage.)

Until recently (and really for both of our entire lives), both my wife and I would be considered by our elders to be "very mature." Her father has tried to characterize her affair as "acting out"; since she has always been a model daughter and student. He thinks that she's never gotten a chance to question the rules or test the waters, and this is her chance now. (...he's not condoning -- just trying to rationalize.)

Anyway, I guess I also have to consider the benefits of telling my mom. First, I can quit lying when she asks me where WW and how she's doing and for me to tell WW that she loves her..... Second, I would be able to cross one item off my "things to worry about" list.

Ah, well, I like arguing on both sides of the same issue, I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[color:"green"]ncn [/color] (I guess I'll stop using my real name so I can start posting more specific details of my situation... but I've got nuthin' to hide.)

Hi NCN,

I'm sorry - I didn't read your whole story and didn't realize that WW is living with OM. My apologies.

My family, my mother especially, has always been super supportive of my choices, so I'm sheltered enough to believe that any mother would support their kids. I can't imagine that a mother would do anything but...

I hope that you're able to be honest with your family and that they're supportive of your fight to get WW back.

I know - I'm not much help... But anything is possible. Good luck.

Cat