I've already said "I forgive you" a few weeks ago and yet two nights ago she said she cannot accept my forgiveness. She said that because I still ask questions and therefore I have not really forgiven her. My IC and her IC both agree that I have gotten to that stage, but not her.

I asked her questions for the first month and then stopped after hearing answers to some that nearly knocked me over. I went 3 months without asking any questions because I felt I couldn’t hear some of the details that she would provide. I asked the last series of questions not long ago (which really were not that big) and felt relieved that I could handle the answers. I even laughed at one of the answers.

The small questions I ask now are just that… small. The big questions (when did it start, how many times did you have sex, do you love him, etc) were all asked in the beginning. I no longer ask any of the “why” questions because I realize that there are just no answers that will be what I'm hoping for. Now, I ask about one question every two weeks and they are generally small (what places did you eat at, is that scarf from him, etc.) Mostly, these questions are sparked by something that makes me think about that question. She has agreed that my emotions are very intact and calm and I do not behave in a threatening way which is why she is able to answer the questions.

My problem is that she feels that I really haven’t forgiven her so she does not accept it (bizarre… talk about roll reversal). She said that when I stop asking questions then I truly have forgiven her. I explained to her that there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting, but she doesn’t completely agree (fine, I can’t fight with that right now). Her view is that she’s done answering questions because it acts as a trigger for her and sets her back and now she needs to move on to make progress. Her IC did say that at some point she will need to set boundaries in regard to questions or comments. Apparently, she has figured that now is a good time.

I do partly agree that I should put questions on hold so that gives her a chance to make more progress on herself. Problem is that I’m not sure what to do if I suddenly feel the urge to ask a question months later and she says no.

Any ideas on how I deal with this situation?

It sounds like she was glad you had forgiven her because then it would mean she wouldn't have to feel so guilty. Because you choose to ask questions every now-and-then just keeps stirring up her guilt and the shame.

She's looking for the easy way out. Ask questions if you feel you need to. If she gets off too easy by thinking you will get over it so fast then it may happen again.

It is pretty typically of WS's to not want to answer questions. From the amount of time that has passed, only a few months, it could be that you are still processing everything and haven't thought of all the questions that need answering. I wouldn't agree that there is some timeline that is acceptable and beyond that boundaries need to be set up. You are the one that needs to feel safe, you need to ask questions until you feel that way. It should be up to you decide when enough is enough, not her. My WH tried to say that he answered all of my questions and yet I keep bringing it up. My answer is that I haven't thought of everything I would like to know yet. Some questions I repeat, sometimes hoping to get a different answer, sometimes hoping that there was some introspection to actually answer the question instead of "I don't know" or "I don't remember". I still have questions, but I'm at a point where I don't believe I will get the answers, so I stopped asking them. If I believe that there is a chance for honesty, I will ask them.

Good luck!

hopeful, I would explain that, as a fundamental element of your recovery, you need to have your questions answered fully and honestly. You cannot recover as long as she has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy.

So, please explain to her and the IC that you have a "boundary"' that requires complete and radical honesty about YOUR life. The facts of the affair are facts about YOUR life and this will be your boundary: radical honesty.

To withhold facts from you is to continue the deceit, which is an unacceptable path if she truly wants you to recover. For me, complete honesty was the LEAST I would accept in order to accept and forgive my H after his adultery.

p.s I would not put the questions "on hold," I would press forward so that you can get this out of the way and start recovery yourself. You are the victim, after all.

I would also point out that, as the victim, it is up to you to decide when and how much questioning is required for your recovery. That is not an issue that your vicimizer is qualified to set boundaries around. It is up to you to decide what you need to recover.

If she is relunctant to answer your questions, then you'd better think about plan B. Why? Because she is still a WS. Tracers of that creature still exist.

Part of recovery is helping the BS get closure. The Xws plays a big part by regaining the BS' trust. It is a work in progress for the Xws. Any Xws who doesn't want t/d the work, is earning the WS title back.

Think about this. U c/b seeing the signs of false recovery.

L.

Explain to her that the damage from the affair wasn't really that she was physically close to this person. The real damage to your marriage was the way that the trust was destroyed by her deceit and lies. The REAL pain from is the fact that she did this and lied to you about it. She carried on a whole seperate life without being honest with you about it.

So what you're trying to do now is to re-establish that trust. By seeing her be honest NOW. You HAVE forgiven her for what she's done. But what you're trying to do now is to rebuild your relationship with her, starting with what is damaged the most...the trust.

She needs to be willing to answer your questions...in order to demonstrate to you that she is trustworthy to you NOW...when she wasn't when she had her affair. It's the ONLY way your marriage stands a chance at healing. If she continues to hide secrets from you, your marriage is VERY likely to fail...because she's STILL not being honest with you. She's STILL not trustworthy. This has nothing to do with forgiveness...it has everything to do with learning how to trust her again.

I went through the same issues with my wife. Eventually, she caught on. Most WS will when they truly become FWS's.

Owl,

That's deep... real deep. I like it. Well put.

Thanks