I can cope with the fact that my marriage is over. My children have been to h*ll and back, but are now recovering. I can see that I can still have a wonderful, full life without him, even if I'm not living that life yet.

But.

Thing is, my STBX has shown no remorse whatsoever. None. He's shown that perhaps he feels a little bit sorry for me, like one might feel sorry for a child who's hurt herself. A patronising kind of sympathy. But he's never once shown any sign that he cares (or even realises) how much he's hurt his kids, or me.

He still calls them almost every night. It's funny, but they're kind of bored with it now! If they are in the middle of something when he calls (and they usually are) they always sigh and raise their eyes to heaven when the phone rings! I find it a little annoying, to be honest. It's almost like he's intefering with our lives, like he's shouting across to us 'I'm still here; PAY ATTENTION TO ME!' It was good that he called them when he first left us, but is he going to keep on phoning them every night until they're 18???

He's spending Christmas with Omelette's parents in Spain. I must say I'm disappointed at how little affect my exposure had on them. How can they just accept him like that - a man who has left his wife and children? I don't understand it at all.

I feel pretty hopeless about all the exposure I've done, to be honest. I feel that it's only brought them closer together. Nothing has had any effect. It just made me out to be the mad, jealous wife, helped STBX justify his leaving me even more, made Omelette even more sorry for him. They are still stuck together like limpets, I guess.

Not that I know, of course. But everything must still be sweet between them, or she wouldn't be taking him to Spain for Christmas, would she?

Do you know, he had the nerve to say to his mother 'Well, I might as well go to Spain with OW, as I'm not allowed to see my own children over Christmas.' As if I was responsible for him leaving! His mother does the decent thing and invites me and her grandchildren down for Christmas with her, and STBX somehow sees that as sneaky manoeuvre by yours truly.

The A has been going on for nearly a year now...

Ah well.

Alph.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Alph}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Wow!

The way he just spun Christmas made me dizzy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Poor WH has to go to Spain with OW because his mom did a decent act for her DIL and her Grandchildren. What a bunch of self pity / justification BS.

Just wait for reality to hit him. It will Christmas day or the day after. I'll bet this is will be his first Christmas away from his children. It'll rip at his heart and he's to foggy to realize it yet.

Expect the phone call from Spain. Only pick up if you or the kids really need to speak to him. Enjoy your holiday with your children.

The children will need at least on parent that they can count on to look out for them. Looks like you've been appointed.

(((Alphin)))

Of course WH shows no remorse.

He can't let himself feel anything wholesome, good or redeeming because the A is still going on.

Be pretty stupid of WH to show remorse for his adultery around omelet. He still has to justify continuously let alone not show remorse.

Ok, we all know WS act stupid most of the time. But even they know which side of their EN’s are buttered.

Imagine how you would feel if you actually lived with him and he showed the same lack of remorse.

With prayers,

PS: “They are still stuck together like limpets, I guess.” Now that is a visual. You’ve made the rest of my day, Alph.

(((( Alphin)))))

I am sorry you are feeling so down. I know with the holidays approaching its going to be hard. I myself am already feeling it.

Sounds to me like your WH is trying to make you feel sorry for him. I am glad your MIL has invited you and the children for Christmas. I will be spending the holidays with my in-laws as well while WH is with the bimbo.

Take care of yourself and the kids and try and enjoy the holidays. I know easier said than done but you are strong and can do this.

Take Care,

Hurting

How you doing today Alphin?

This is such a busy time of year with Fayres, cake sales, Christmas plays and outfits to make (can you believe I have to produce a Beethoven outfit including boufant hair!!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ).

With "stuff" going on on top of all that it's hard to keep smiling 24 hours a day without looking maniacal! Fake it til you make it doesn't always apply. I prescribe chocolate and a glass of wine curled up on the sofa!

Thank goodness you have such wonderful in-laws. With their love and support Christmas will hopefully be easier for you all. STBXWH must have a conscience in there somewhere and eventually it will catch up with him - you never know he might wake up on Christmas morning and realise he's in a strangers house.

Hi StrongFoundation!


Please explain why you have to do this? And don't forget the ear trumpet... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

realtor*, thanks for the hugs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm feeling a little better today.

WTF - great name abbrieviated! Sums up how I feel most of the time!


I hope so. Thing is, he'll just blame me for it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Aphelion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Yeah. How are things going at home for you, my friend? And how is your son - I think about him often.

Hi Hurting.


Perhaps not me, but he's always crying to his mama! Of course, he knows that anything he says to her gets back to me. He's cried about not having enough money for a divorce, about not seeing his kids enough, and now that I'm 'keeping them from him' because we're visiting his mom for Christmas. Poor baby - doesn't your heart just break for him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to cheer me up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> DD10's class is singing (and dancing to) Roll Over Beethoven in this years Christmas play. You should see the pattern the teacher sent back for us to copy! It includes a waistcoat, shoe buckles, boufant hair and a coat with tails (although that is optional!). All in bright colours. Thanks for the ear trumpet hint....might do that during a spare 3 minutes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

DD8 is a sailor...somewhat easier <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

On a lighter note (haha) I'm running a stall at the Fayre this Saturday and you'd have thought it was big business....power trips, turf wars, profit projections....school PTA's...gotta love 'em! People take all this far too seriously....it's meant to be fun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hi Alph!

I'm so proud of the way that you've handled yourself this year - it takes a really strong woman to do what you've done. I can appreciate, though, why you're feeling blue, and I can tell you one thing that will make you feel better...

You're giving his family to your kids! Just because WH won't be there, they'll still have their grandma, and that will make a huge difference - trust me (my parents split when I was 12, I know what Christmas is like at that age)!

In the future, if he wants them for Christmas, make sure to ask your kids what they want. I HATED it when my mom would make me stay with my Dad and his new Wife for Christmas. But she sent me away anyway because she thought that it was only fair to my dad. Anyway, enough about me.

I know that you're having a blue day, but I think that overall you're doing great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cat

Alphin,

I'm feeling really blue today myself. I'm feeling a lot of the same things you are ... that perhaps exposure was useless, even destructive ... that WH is no longer or maybe never was the man I believed him to be ... that all I can really hope for is to minimize the destruction that he has done and continues doing to the souls of our children.

I wish I could offer some positive feedback, but I can't. This whole thing sucks. I'm tired of it. We don't deserve this!!!

I feel like I have been shining bright and brilliant as I possibly can for as long as I can, but what can I do when WH's soul is totally eclipsed by Skunkypoo?

'Tis the season to have the blues. Mine was yesterday too but today is better. DD and I are decorating the house for the Holidays. We're going to make it a great Christmas.

So typical of your WH to put the Christmas blame on you. I think it will be a great day when we get to the point where we don't CARE where our WH are for any holiday. It could be worse, he could still be living at your house and carrying on with omlette.

Even though you English don't celebrate our American Thanksgiving, still think about the things that you are thankful for. Once we take our WHs and the pain they've caused out of the equation, it's amazing how much we do have to be thankful for.

((((((((((alpin)))))))))

Sorry that you're feeling blue, Alph (and LT).

Here is my .02 and what I learned lately about emotions
by way of reading several books.

It was suggested treating emotions as 'signs' that some 'basic need' has/is being met or not being met. More importantly, to NOT ignore emotions (whether negative or positive - because, for one thing, they will 'nag' one until death to be recognized, accepted and NOT judged - funny creatures these emotions!), that we should be actually thankful for the 'information' they provide us - like warning signals of a car panel, before it stops dead in the middle of the road.

Then, it is up to us (wise and experienced beings) to determine what to do about it (and, the funny thing is that sometimes, what might just do the trick, is to do nothing more than accept/recognize them - silly emotions!)

So, coming to the board might help - called venting around here (which means basically a place where we feel accepted/not judged/and get some ideas to top it all off), maybe all the hugs you got from here might help....or a smile from your daughters.... Up to you, old wise Alph, to decide what the 'message' is and what might do the trick!

HUGS. HUGS. HUGS.

Then, it is up to us (wise and experienced beings) to determine what to do about it (and, the funny thing is that sometimes, what might just do the trick, is to do nothing more than accept/recognize them - silly emotions!)




What an insightful post Luna.
I am going to use those suggestions about emotions, either your en's are being met or not being met.

Great post.

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

Thing is, my STBX has shown no remorse whatsoever. None. He's shown that perhaps he feels a little bit sorry for me, like one might feel sorry for a child who's hurt herself. A patronising kind of sympathy. But he's never once shown any sign that he cares (or even realises) how much he's hurt his kids, or me.




Doesn't that just make your blood boil. I hate being pitied. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Here, at the mb discussion board you get sympathy and SUPPORT.

On the other hand, W/S just hand out the patronizing pity. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Take care of yourself ((((Alphin)))) and enjoy your holiday with your children and in-laws.

Your dinner will be served guilt free; on the other hand, your stbxws's dinner will be served with a huge helping of guilt with a side dish or indigestion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

I hardly feel I shone at all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I was so hurt and crushed when he left that my spark went out completely. Now it's too late, but I'm trying to look ahead, and not back.

You're right; it sucks, it really does. {{{LT}}}

Hi Grapegirl.


Man, how I long for that day. It helps when I hear about something ridiculous that STBX and Omelette have done. Like when they lost their passports the last time they were meant to go to Spain and couldn't go? That was so funny. Now when I hear that they are going to go to SPain for Christmas, all I think about is them losing their passports, and imagine them screaming in frustration at each other. Now I'll always associate STBX and trips to Spain with that silly incident. Great, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Luna - you are indeed a wise person.

It's similar to being grateful for being able to feel physical pain, I suppose. If we weren't able to, we'd end up doing serious damage to our bodies. Pain also reassures that we are still alive.

I'll try to remember from now on, when I feel emotional pain, that I'm still alive and kicking. That the pain is is protecting me, not harming me.

Hi, KD.


Yeah! Hope he gets drunk and makes an idiot of himself, too, in front of Omelette's parents. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin, am also dreading the holiday season. Looking back over the past five years or so, he was so engrossed in his seedy life that I did everything alone. Wrapped the gifts, did the shopping, watched the carol concerts. I really have been like a single parent for years but I felt safer before Dday. I just took on the role of the giver (quite naturally) because I believed WH was unwell enough to contribute. So, in essense, Xmas this year is no different but I feel so different. Last year we 'played' happy families for the kids but this year we have soured.

My WH told me in about Sept that Xmas last year nearly 'killed' him. He has shown remorse for his actions but he didn't know how to start to repair the damage, so it was easier not to. And now I can't imagine him sharing my life again. But this Xmas, I will pray for all of us here at MB, whose families are scarred by adultery. I had no idea how tragic this was before it happened to me and my girls.

On a lighter note, when those letters come home regarding costumes for Xmas productions, I need a stiff gin and tonic. Needlework has never been one of my strong points.And I've got twins! My friend on the other hand whips out her sewing machine and produces perfection overnight. My kids' outfits are normally held together with staples and cellotape! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

alphin, you echo my thoughts.

I also feel all my exposure has come to naught. In fact, with them working together, they seem to have gotten even closer and I do not know what happened to exposure to OW's parents but it seems they may v well be enabling her behaviour as well.

I know some people also think my exposure behaviour and letters make me seem like a jealous wife forcing him to come back to me. WS and even my parents and sister think it's due to revenge.

No, it wasn't. But the exposure actions made them think so.

The A has been going on for 6 mths or even more. As he hasn't confessed to me how long it's been going on. He didn't want to talk to me or avoided me since a few days after D-Day.

I feel frustrated.
I feel frustrated that I am now left with v little options but to D his a$$.

~A

Alph and Ashley, I feel the same way. My bros came to help me decorate the Christmas tree on Thanksgiving. I wasn't even going to put it up this year, but Mom told me I HAVE to, since it's DD's first Christmas. I cried doing it, even with my bros here. Walked around a couple stores yesterday with DD, looking at all the Christmas stuff and feeling really sad.

Like your WH, mine doesn't care at all. He's spent the long holiday weekend with OW, except for taking DD to his parents' for Thanksgiving evening. They've gone shopping together, and I'm sure she's helping him pick stuff out for DD. Makes me sick. They probably went to the big regional mall first thing yesterday (which hurts, b/c he never liked going shopping with me... hates crowds), while I'm stuck buying a few little odds and ends for DD at Kmart. Makes me very, very angry, but I feel like there's nothing I can do. No recourse, because I can't really say anything to him at the risk of appearing "unstable."

At least you have good ILs, Alph. Mine haven't called me since I filed for D a month ago, and this is after they told me to "always consider them as my parents, no matter what happens."

I guess all we BSes can do is have a great holiday season with our sweet children inspite of those meanspirited WSes!

Too right! I don't even know if I'm going to get a tree this year, as we are spending the entire holiday with MIL. Still, the kids love to decorate it... I'll think about it.

One thing that really upset me was the fact that last year, just before Christmas, I was soooo happy - getting everything ready for the kids and H. I'd bought an xBox... H had wanted one for ages, and I knew the kids would be absolutely blown away. I was so happy wrapping that thing up, and the two games I'd bought to go with it.

All that time, he was entrenched in his affair - all my joy was for nothing.

I was really afraid to begin the season this year - I thought I'd break down when I began cutting gift paper and ribbon. But I didn't. I even put the same silly Christmas CD on I listened to last year. I bopped whilst I wrapped! Christmas isn't ruined!

I'm such a kid at heart, and I know I'll have a great time with DD12 & DD5 at MIL's place. Yes, we'll miss STBX, but Christmas will be a success if I decide it will be. The onus is on me to make it work.

And I will.

Alph.

Alphin

Well done on your attitude. Get through this first Christmas and nothing will seem so bad after that.

I remember the first Christmas after d-day. H was still here, still 'committed to the marriage', but had restarted contact with OW and was clearly still hooked. On Christmas Eve, I remember sitting on this computer at two in the morning, howling with grief and hopelessness, and posting to anyone on MB who might be around. God bless them, lots of kind supporters helped me through the night...and do you know what, the next day I got up and just decided that I would have a bl**dy good day, no matter what. I was not going to make the kids suffer through a miserable Christmas. I cooked the best turkey dinner ever, and played Christmas music, and watched the silly films, and it was a great day. Because I dedided to enjoy it.

Keep your chin up. You're strong. You WILL get through this.

TA