You need to find out the truth and you need to find out now. Start thinking about how you could have him tailed. Can you hire a PI?

i probably can. he works 12 hours a day but whatever is going on is happening before and after work. today he left at 7:30 for his 40 minute drive to work at 9:30. I know because my neighbor passed him on the highway. what do i do when i find out who she is?

Breath... Relax... Breath... Relax... Breath again.

Feeling calmer?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now it is time to quit worring about what we can't control, WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Now is the time to start thinking about what we can control, our response. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

The WH's actions sure seem to be pointing in the A catagory. It could also be a severe mid life crisis brought on by you father's passing away (my condolences).

Our first point of order is to determine what exactly is going on. It would not help our cause to accuse him of an A if there is none.

I don't know how to detect a severe mid life crisis, but we can do alot to find out if an A is going on.

BTW: If you get a phone recorder get a digital one, not a cassette based one, The cassette based ones have an audible "click" that can be heard in the house and usually on the line. Digital recorders do not.

You seem to think that the SIL knows something about what is going on. Talk to her, ask her what the story is. Listen to her. When she is done and smiling, ask her: "Now, what are you holding back from me?". That questions usually lets a little truth to slip out.

Do you know any of his new coworkers? They may be a good source of info about his "long" hours.

Talk to his friends, ask them what is going on. Remember to ask the holding back question. You can usually get good info from them.

Have you called you WH when he is working late? Just call to tell him you love him and miss him (and making sure that he is really there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

START A JOURNAL.

Record your feeling, worries, fears, on paper. It is very healing. As you will find out later. Record in the journal when you call, if he picks up what you talked about, If he didn't pick up record that also.

If you keep the journaling up long enough you WILL start to see patterns emerging.

Good luck, Keep posting, we will be here to help and support you.

I am so lost,
I know how scarey and painful this is for you. Most b/s have been where you are first.

You will be scared for awhile, and think your life is over. But, eventually, you will get a grip on your emotions, get over the shock of your husband walking out, and get down to business of saving your marriage.

Everyone goes through stages. Shock, denial, and acceptance.

Being rejected by the one person in life that has promised to love you forever is horrific. This will probably be the most painful thing you have ever experienced.

It is not uncommon to have thoughts of suicide at this time.

Just remember, it will not be like this forever. Things will get better with time.

Time is the answer.

There is not a quick cure for this.

All b/s look for the instant cure; there are no instant cures.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B.

Hire a Private Investigator to see if your husband is involved in an affair.

Implement the carrot part of Plan A.

If your husband wants a divorce, tell him you are all about marriage, not divorce.

Explain to him you are working to save your marriage.



Regardless of whether your husband is having an affair or not, you can start Plan A.

Plan A is made up of two parts.
The Carrot
and The Stick.

The carrot is making self improvements, in order to attract your husband back.

The Stick, is to expose the affair in one full sweep, to owh, w/s's family or friends, or if the affair is an office romance, exposing at work.

Since you have NOT confirmed your husband is having an affair, although from the sounds of it, I would guess he is involved with another woman, you can't expose what you don't know; you can do the carrot part of Plan A, making self improvements and eliminating love busting behaviors.

You can purchase "His Needs, Your Needs," at Wal Mart or this website.
"Surviving an Affair," is also a must read, as well as "Lovebusters."
All of these books are by Willard Harley.
They will help you learn what is the best way to attract your husband back.
More importantly, they will show you what behavior withdraws points away from your lovebank.

When you find out who she is we will expose the affair. But just take one step at a time. Find out who she is and find out as much as you can about her. THEN we will strategize on the best way to use this intel.

Exposure is ruinous to affairs because they can only survive under the veil of secrecy.

IAmSoLost

The fact that you're posting here on an Infidelity Forum tends to give the impression that your H is involved in infidelity. If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail, and all that. But you haven't got any real reason to believe that other than his leaving, have you? Or is there anything else you've noticed?

Before we all jump to conclusions, I think we should consider the other possibilities. It's plausible that he's depressed, possibly even having a nervous breakdown. He seems to have carried a fair load for a long time. Apologies if this is hurtful to you, but I know from personal experience that MS sufferers can be emotionally volatile, and that this is tough on a carer. In addition, he accepted your elderly father into his home - which many men would not. From what you tell us, it sounds as if your H has been a strong man within your family. Perhaps it's all got too much for him?

If he is depressed, can you cope with his inability to be the strong one right now?

For your own sake, you have to stop reacting and start THINKING.

TA

{{{{IamSoLost}}}}

I'm wondering if you WH is having an affair, or just at a bad crisis in his life.

He has had a lot of responsibilities, and sorrow recently. Taking care of you, animals, work. Father until he passed was probably very painful for him. And now he has to look to a possible future of taking care of you. That is why I think he said it is time for himself. You would have to agree, he has been giving, giving, and giving of himself until he is worn out, drained. But not a reason to leave.

Due to his sister saying "he isn't sick" or anything. This should give you a clue.

Sometimes illness is very difficult on men, I know this from experience. But like I said...not a reason to run.


He may be afraid of his future with you. You have a long term illness...and knowing that MS could lead to his being a long term caregiver and husband. Watching and knowing you could get sicker may frighten him. I am just being honest. He is grieving, and watching you grieve from day to day...it seems.

I am not saying what he is doing is right, I'm just trying to give you some insight to what he may be thinking and pondering.

He has said he wants you to "stop crying, and get angry." I don't know what exactly he means by this but he maybe seeing a lot of sorrow in the house, making him want to run. I don't know why he would want you angry. Maybe he wants you to fight for something.

I don't know if he was having an affair the nights he was late. Or he is stopping at a local Pub, and taking up drinking a little to much.

Have you asked him to go to counseling with you?

IASL....I hope he comes back home.

thanks Melody. He doesn't even claim to be working. He says he has to leave early because A. there may be traffic, B. he doesn't like to rush, C. he has to stop at the cleaners, store, gas station. When he comes in at 2 am, after getting off at 9:30 and I say where were you, he says A. I stopped for a beer (but he is not drunk and does not smell like alcohol), B. contemplating, C. out

thanks for the plan A advice, i need it

Oh man, so many red flags in your last post... I hate to say it but it sounds like an affair.

Listen to the wise women here, you need to formulate a plan. Isn't there a list of things you should and shouldn't be doing at this point. Like start living for you, make yourself less available, don't ask a lot of questions, get out and exercise (if you can with your MS), anything to take your mind off things and keep yourself active. No crying and pleading, that will just push him further away at this point.

I'm not sure if I covered that well, maybe someone can help me out?

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}

My FWH walked out on me. I had no idea he was involved with OW and he denied this when I ask. I suspected a middle age crisis too. I only discovered A 1 mth after he returned to me so am now dealing with issues of and am no expert. This site is a Godsend though and others that have been members longer are guiding you in the right direction. Hang tough gal. I know how hard it is, as do the others here. If I can offer you any help, I can tell you that this does not mean it is over.

Consider yourself hugged,

thank you all so much. my oldest daughter (22) also thinks it's not an affair but some kind of midlife crisis. until i know differently, in my mind it is an affair.

i know he's been doing a lot but i do as much as i can. i take my younger daughter to all of her activities and i'm very involved in her school and all (he used to be but seems to have lost interest).

i have asked him to go for counseling but he refuses and says it won't help. i am making an appointment for a counselor for me because i', just not dealing well on my own.

Since you are making an appointment with a counselor, why don't you make it with the Harleys??

can't afford it. my insurance will cover one here

Are you eligible for social security disability?

no we have too many assets. maybe if there is a divorce i will be

Social security disability is for folks that have worked enough under SS and not able to work anymore. Assets don't matter.

sorry I was thinking about when we tried for my father's nursing home qualification. i just have too much going on here.

i didn't work under SS. I worked under a government pension system and my little ss paid jobs amount to nothing.

I see. Well, I would be sure to consult an attorney and get some temporary support. I know you don't think your husband will abandon you financially, but a lot of them seem to do that.

I, and every BS on here, read your post and remember the feelings well.
the panic attacks, can't sleep, can't eat, the million what if's. You are here, on these boards, in the early stages, which is a really good thing.
You have great advice here, I will add a couple of things.
the death of your father was likely a trigger for your WH. It has happened many times. My IC said that many times the OW is just a form of self medication. Your WH was likely suffering from depression, and some (as yet unconfirmed) OW came along and said all the right things, made him feel good, and he keeps going back to her to get that "high". Like some people would turn to drugs or alchohol, your H may have turned to OW to "self-medicate"

It is highly likely that this is also a form of mid-life crisis, but the problem is that a mid-life crisis usually manifests itself in some type of behavior. something like - he goes out and buys a sports car, or he suddenly quits his job and wants to move to the Caribbean, or he has an A. when people tell you it is a mid life crisis, that is probably true, but the question is - how does he react to the crisis.

I remember my own experince, early on. I literarlly counted how many hours it had been since my WH had left! (please don't do that!) After awhile I quite counting the hours, and instead counted the days. After a while I realized, I wasn't counting the time any more at all. I was healing. You will be ok again, one day. you will laugh again, and listen to music again, sleep again. Just hang in there for now.

do start a journal. It helps to get those thughts out of your head, and onto paper.

the comment you made to your H about how you would not allow him to dis-respect you or the girls any longer was right on - in my opinion.
In the early stages, we are so scared, that we want to roll over and take whatever crap they fling at us. But that is not the good foundation for a relationship. you want your H to come - but not as the man he is right now.

A couple more good books to read - Hope For the Seperated, and Love Must be Tough.

Don't beleive everything he says right now - in fact, believe very little of it! when he says things like "I have never been happy" please try to remeber, that you know better than that. When he says there is no hope, and he does not want to work on the M, he is saying that today, but tomorrow may be different. there will be times when you will think to your self "he is serious, he really means it" just remember, that when he says the M is over, he does mean it AT THAT TIME. But things can change rapidly. other people will tell you - he is serious, it is over. Just smile and nod. Many, many BS have heard these words, and they have restored marriages today.

The purpose of the PI is not necessarily to "find an affair," but to find the truth. And once you have the truth, then we can help you develop a plan of attack. But, until you rule out an affair, there isn't much we can do. I will say that this does have all the earmarks of an affair, I am sad to say.