I really need some help with this. My husband and I have only been married six months. He is younger than me, and we had a fairly quick courtship. He convinced me that I was the One he had been looking for and we married last May. He has bipolar disorder, which I should have investigated but I didn't.
We recently moved 57 miles closer to his work...now Im only doing temp work, looking for a good job..and his job is not enough to pay the bills.
We had no longer moved than he confesses to having at least an emotional affair with the coffee girl at work. She was fired for being unreliable the first day we were moved here....and then he started sneaking out and meeting her at lunch, and staying after work for "meetings with the boss".
I contacted his ex wife who told me that he had had a pattern during their marriage of having thesse emotional affairs about every 2 years or so. I'm not sure how much of it is related to his bipolar stuff..or how much is just because he had a rocky childhood watching his mom and dad rip each other apart with cheating and such. He admits that he never left one woman without having the next one lined up.
He has some crazy romantic idea of love that he keeps chasing..the faces change but the lines the same. He realizes now that he has a pattern, and says he wants to stop it. We will be seeing a counselor tonight. What bothers me is he completely refuses to cut contact with the other woman, even though she has moved out of state, he continues to talk to her through email. He says they are "just friends" but if that's true i dont understand why he must be so secretive about what they talk about.

We dont have enough money for him to move out, so we are sleeping in separate bedrooms. I would like to do all I can to save this marriage..its my third and I am afraid it will be my last try altogether. He says he still loves me, but his actions say he cares more for Her feelings, or maybe his, than mine.

He says he needs to "be alone" to sort things out, and yet he won't really be alone..because he intends to stay in contact with both of us, I guess until he makes up his mind.

Im not sure now if we have anything left to say, since my trust is in ruins and I don't beleive he is in touch with reality.

I am having a hard time coping with him. He acts like he still cares, very affectionate...no sex , but hugs. But then he totally disregards my feelings and keeps on talking to her.

I wonder if there is any hope. He still intends to move out as soon as we can afford it. I don't know what i hope for anymore. My feelings are about rung out. It may already be too late to start over..but I cant see getting anywhere as long as she is still in the picture.

Nicneven, sorry you are here...
You have a long road ahead of you, a rocky one, if you do want to work this out.

Warning, warning, you should not be in marriage counseling until the affair is OVER. It can be harmful when the WS is in the fog of an affair, and is rarely or never helpful from what I have read here DURING the affair (EA or PA). Individual counseling is for when the A is ongoing, MC is for recovery is my take on MB concepts...

He should be agreeable to No Contact with this OW if he wants to work on the M. Lots of red flags here, what were the causes for your other divorces?

MSA

Well, the couselor gave us some better communicaton tools, owning our feelings instead of putting them off on one another.Example...he said that I was smothering him. She told him I didn't have that power...so he learned to say, I feel smothered when (whatever) is happening. I learned to say, I felt hopeless, or abandoned, when such and such happened. It talkes the pressure off the other person, We learned to tell our feelings and state what we need from the other person, who can then say, Yes, I can do that for you, (like hold you), or no, I can't do that right now. We had opportunity to practise immediately on the way home and after we got home. We are sleeping in separate rooms right now since he wanted(still wants?) to move out and I was trying to give him more distance. He is making efforts to reconnect with me, asking me to lunch for the first time since we moved. Yes it is too early to tell.Hopefully I can learn to do Plan A.

I do feel he was honest in her office, It was the minister who married us. She also helped put things in perspective.He did most of the talking . I realize that since he is still not willing to give up the contact, that he is still fogged....but all I can do now is wait for the fog to lift. .

I'm glad I found this site. I think I was beginning to stress out my small support group and I don't want to make their lives any harder with my stuff. I am still wondering if I should write his mom, who will be wondering why his ex-wife wont let his daughter visit us this year at Christmas. I see we have a long way to go, but I do love this man, and I can't give up until there is nothing else left to do.

I 'm sure I will be leaning heavily on you guys. Thanks for being here.

Trust me dont pressure him I know, leave him alone he may come around mine did