I'd like to see the opinions on this from some of you. I've noticed that quite often when children are involved that they are generally introduced within a given time frame.

I'm now approaching the one year mark since d-day. I'm also considering giving up and walking away. The one thing that has always puzzled me is that there are 4 children involved here. 3 with the OM and 1 with my WW and I. The children have not been introduced yet and I would think that would have been done months ago.

Aren't the children usually introduced within the first couple of months? Why would they wait so long to do so?

I'm not clear on your question, but it sounds like the children of OM haven't met your WW and your child hasn't met OM. That seems to me to indicate a somewhat tentative approach to the relationship.

If you are in Plan B, what should matter is that you are not allowing continuing hurt by your WW while she is in the fog.

Cherishing

Trebor Rose,
I would be interested in the responses you get on this issue. I would just be glad that your WW is not exposing your child to OM. It does seem odd that after a year, they have still not met each other's children. But maybe that would interfere with their fantasy life.

But like I said, just be glad that it hasn't happened.

Cherish,

That is correct. My WW has not met the OM's children and he has not met my child. They don't live together either. i know that this usually happens quickly. So this does seem odd that they have not been introduced after almost a year now??? I was wondering if this is normal behavior or a little out of the ordinary.

jean36,

I'd be interested in your input since I see that you were a FWW. I seem to get the best insight from FWW. I really appreciate the fact that FWW come to this site and are willing to share their thoughts and experiences.

Could I ask how long your A lasted and what brought you back? I'm also sorry for what you are going through now and if their is a way for me to help support I will although I do not know how.

Trebor, I was in a R with OM for 2 years. And yes, I was very eager for him to meet my children so we could all play happy family. ( I hate having to admit this stuff ) I came back because I knew that my family was what I wanted and I was tired of the self loathing and guilt. Over the two year separation, I feel in love with my H again, completely, I asked for his forgiveness and I tried to be the very best wife I could be. I tried to honor him and our family.

From a child's perspective...

My parents split when I was 12. I found out later that my dad was in an A. We met OW and her kids about a year after the split. I because instant friends with her son (we played a lot of cards - gin rummy, poker, crib, and went fishing a lot). But I have to say that I don't particularly remember meeting her. It was not a moment that sticks out in my mind. Now, I can tell you that it was probably traumatic for my mother, and that she probably remembers a lot more about that day than I do (how I felt, what I said when I got home, etc.).

I know that it was wrong of my dad to do what he did, but at the time no one treated it like it was a big deal, so neither did I. I wish that someone had of sat me down and told me about affairs and how they're wrong and what marriage vows really mean.

So - all of you that have kids in their early teens - please, please, please talk to your kids about what marriage is all about. Don't let your WS let them meet OP without telling them what it's all about. It SHOULD be a big deal.

Otherwise, when they're dating, it won't seem so big if one partner cheats, and that could set a pattern for infidelity in adulthood.

Cat

Thank you CAT,

I'm not sure if I should take the same approach. My child is still very young. As a matter of fact all 4 children involved are under the age of 8. I've done my very best to shield and protect mine and I don't want to do anything that my hurt them.

Jean,

I would guess that the OM did meet your children? They are very close in age to mine. How did that go? Was it an eye opener? During this time did you husband implement a plan b or basically how did he act towards you? I'd really be interested in this. Thank you

TreborRose,

I can understand why you would want to shield your kids. They're much younger than I was.

My sister was 6 when my dad left. She took it much harder than I did and has been in and out of trouble since she was 13. I think that my dad was more concerned with getting her to hate my mom than he was with moulding her to be a good person.

Are your kids in counselling? I believe that counselling is very important for kids and I can tell you that my high school counsellor made a big impact in my life. If you can't set something up (for free) through the school, there may be other avenues.

Cat

Trebor,

The OM and I lived together for two years so the children and OM had a relationship. Their father also dated during the separation and had one 1 year relationship, and the kids knew her also. Most people thought we had already divorced.

The girls were 3 and 5 when we first separated. They didn't know that OM was an OM, they thought he was a friend of my brothers and we left it at that for awhile. My H pretty much acted indifferent to my A, the OM and anything that was going on. The only turmoil we had during the separation was his GF having issues with our parenting plan. She sort of plan B'd me, and that caused me grief, but only because I was a big ole cake eater and she was messing up my little polyamorous playhouse.

My girls are 6 and 8 now, and the 8yo is having a tough time. Part of the issue is the drastic changes that occured so quickly. We were literally hugging and kissing one week, and the next week he was moving out. The previous separation was a very gradual thing that happened in stages. We shared the home for a year, meaing I stayed here during the day with the kids and I left at night. So they still had both of us every day.

If I could go back and give my BH some advice, I would say I should have been plan B'd swiftly and heavily. I would not have left if I had had to experience much discomfort. My H pretty much held the door open for me in a "if you love it let it go" kinda way. If there had been fallout like their should have been, I wouldn't have put my family through that two years.

That is why I am here even though my M is quickly going to he11, I do believe in the MB principles.

TreborRose:

My children are much older (19,18) but I can tell you that it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do! Told them the whole story last week.

To put it mildly, they were devestated! They knew something was going on, but they never suspected that Mom no longer wanted to be married to me and that she was in love with OM.

I tried my best to be fair and to not influence them against their mother. We talked about forgiving and the need to still love her as she will always be their mother no matter what.

Needless to say, presently they are civil to their mother, but they do not agree with what she is doing and they have repeatedly told her so. Since they were rasied under the umbrella of Christianity where they attended private Christian schools, the moral implications are severe. To their credit, they have questioned mom on her moral authority to do this based upon how she raised them. So now, not only is this wrong in their eyes, but mom seems hypocritical with her actions. You know, do as I say, not as I do type of thing.

All I can say is that WW now hates me more than ever! She cannot get over this hump of not only having her kids know what is going on, but the fact that they are not very understanding of why she did this in the first place. Of course I am to blame for everything. The A and now her strained relationship with her childern.

With your young kids, I would not rush to tell them at all. They are to young to understand. My kids at their age are having a hard time digesting all this, so I can only imagine how younger kids would view this.

My kids are devestated, but are dealing with it. Mom has not left, but was/is planning to leave at some point in the future. Now, with counseling and such, if she changes her mind, then we can work towards R and putting the family back together, but at least my kids know that Mom may decide to leave and start a new life elsewhere. She also knows that if she does do this, she risks alienating them for possibly the rest of her life. I think with me telling the kids, it has put more pressure on her to rethink her choices.

p47d

Thanks Cat, Jean and p47,

At this time I think it is best to keep the story away from my son. His needs are my first concern. I'll let him know that mom and dad are no longer going to be together but I won't tell him what mom has gone off and done.

Cat,

I'll look into possible counseling for my son. I already have the names of some qualified child counselors in the area.

Jean,

So you would agree with a plan B? You believe in that principle? You had mentioned that you had fallen in love again with your H. If so, how could that happen if you are in a Plan B? I'm trying to see what would be most effective. Also, how long was it before you introduced your children?

P47,

This is also something that I am terrified of. I've cried at times just thinking about it. I wonder if the WW is affected by it as much as I am. I don't believe so. She asked the other day to go ahead and tell him. I told her to wait till after the holidays. At least let him have Christmas. It is times like this I realize that I care more for my son than she does. She'll argue that point but when i look at him I know I'd never put him through anything like this.

I'm hoping that more people will chime in on what they feel is the normal time frame for introducing children.

Trebor,
I went to find some of your old posts, I was not familiar wih your situation. Are you still in plan B?

It took me two years to fall in love with my H again because there was no plan B. I was pretty much cake eating the whole time. My H and OM got along well, actually played some chess together and chatted about politics. They even worked together on a few jobs. I was never forced to chose between them. If H had been unavailable, OM might have looked unappealing.

I did introduce my kids to OM and I was very wrong to do so. Again, if I had been forced to keep OM away from the kids and not been able to play happy family, I would have chosen my family.

If I am reading your situation correctly, the OM in your WW's life is married? The OW in my WH's life is also married. It is perceived by my WH as an unfair double standard, but I am asking the lawyers to say that OW cannot be introduced to the children until she is also divorced. I don't know if the judge will allow that-the lawyer thinks the judge will agree. A married woman can not be paraded around as daddy's GF.

I did everything I could to cake eat and I stepped all over normal boundaries. My H never imposed any boundaries and I still don't know why. I do think that some boundaries would have pushed me off the fence alot sooner.

Don't let your son be around OM if you can help it. OM is a crappy role model, the A won't last, there is no reason for your son to be around a man like that. He cannot add anything to your son's character development.

As far as telling your son about what the reason is... I didn't want my kids to know why we had split up again. I didn't want them to know about OW. But their dad told them and honestly, it sort of makes it easier for them to understand. They have not met OW, but they don't think much of her for dating their dad. They understand that rules are being broken.

Good Luck to you and your DS.

Still in plan B so to speak. The reason I say that is because I'm not sure if I want her back anymore. Plan B is for me to break free. The other thing is because I may never want to talk to or see her again. If she ends up staying with him I will never have any desire to see her again. I know that sounds harsh but I've been through an incredible amount of pain this year. I know one thing for sure. I have no desire to treat the OM like a human being again. I trusted this person at one time and knew him before the A. I'll never let my guard down again.

His wife just divorced him. They have 3 children together.

Trebor,
I do hate this for you and your DS. I think you have two separate questions. First is, do you tell DS that mom is having an A. Second is, when should DS meet OM.

As far as meeting OM, I would say stall that as long as possible, but unless you legally insist that OM not be around DS until you and WW divorce, I guess she could introduce them on her timetable. So, if you file something, I would ask that no third parties be exposed to children until D is final.

As far as telling DS, I guess that would depend on how you think he would take that info. It was not my idea to tell my children, but they took it well. It made more sense to them than the "daddy wans't happy with mommy" line.

So is OM paying a big chuck of CS now? I remember reading that OM was not likely to be able to keep up your WW is the lifestyle she is used to.

How is DS doing in general? I had to start my 8yo in counseling, but my 6yo seems to be OK. Have you looked into Divorce Care groups or anything for DS? Does the teacher know what is going on?

Hope you and DS have a great Thanksgiving.

Thank you Jean,

I think it would be best to leave the A out of any discussions with my son.

The OM is paying a hefty chunk of CS. I have that number and I have the amount he makes. I'd hate to be in his shoes. The OM and WW are the ones that make the least in both families. The OMW is the bread winner in their family. FRom what I know the OM is not going to be making any headways financially for a while. No education or aspirations.

Sometimes I think it would be interesting to see how things pan out in a year or two when they really have to look at these facts.

DS is actually doing fine. However, he has not been exposed to the situation yet. You have given me some good suggestions on counseling that I have not thought of yet. I'll be sure to check into them.

Thanks