My husband & I have been married for almost 15 years. We have 2 boys, ages 13 & 6. Communication has always been really difficult for us and it not getting any better.

Just this evening was a prime example. The fights we have are really about nothing important and I although I know there are much deeper issues but I'm not sure what I do to set him off. Really it could be anything. A sound, a look or nothing at all. Tonight's fight was about ice cream. Do you get it? I don't. My son asked for ice cream while I was making my husband's lunch for him. As my husband made himself ice cream, I said that "our son" wanted some also. He ignored me and when our 6 year cried as he watched his father help himself, the fight began. I just don't know what happened really. But in about 3 minutes, the result was that my husband yelled it was all his fault, not mine of course (his words) and then left. He does that frequently, the leaving that is. That did make me mad because of what it does to my children every time he does it - walking out.

No communication - every fight we have ends up him saying it all his fault. Sometimes I think a slap in the face would be less painful than this day to day stuff. Does anyone experience this type of behavior in a spouse? Whenever he is mad and I ask him what did I do - he acts like I should know and then says his standard - "it's all my fault (meaning himself)."

I love my husband but I don't know what to think about his behavior, the leaving, the constant yelling about everything. It's bad for my kids to be around this all the time.

I know I'm rambling but I haven't "said" anything about this ever and it's kinda of just rolling out of me. It's only something that lives within our own 4 walls - people outside don't know how sad was really are.

As the victim of both verbal and physical abuse, I have found the physical abuse less hurtful. You may well be right that a slap in the face would be less painful for you. It's good that you are recognizing just how destructive his behavior is for both you and your children.

My guess is that his saying it's all his fault is sarcastic and he really means it's your fault. Either way, though, he's very unhappy. Can you let him know that you are sorry he is unhappy and is there anything you could do?

We've been in the MB program, and Harley's view is that anger comes from a win-lose view of negotiating. In other words, the angry person believes that either he is unhappy or his wife is unhappy, and it is impossible to find a solution that works for both. If you approach your H and let him know that you are unhappy that he is unhappy and you want to work with him so that you are both happy, that might help to start the ball rolling on his communicating with you.

Also, you may want to try reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans and "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" (renamed "The One") by Harley.

Cherishing

Cherishing,

You are right. I have asked your suggested question but not necessarily in the same words. I will try it tomorrow when he comes home. Thank you for your kind advice.