i am feeling wonderful right now, if that can seem possible. when H came home tonight from work, he said "let's talk".

we talked like we haven't in years. he told me how everything started, everything. he told me how he felt like he couldn't talk to me about work problems and they started as a friendship. she called his phone to see if he knew where her husband was, then started to talk about their problems, et. that turned to a friendship. for months she confided in him about her problems with her husband (she is married to his friend) and he talked about his problems at work, and then things happened. he talked to her about his problems, etc, etc. typical friendship turned to affair.

he answered every question i have honestly and i believe him. i believe that with marriage counseling, we can save our marriage. he did say that he can't say he doesn't have feelings for her, but that his love for me is real and deep and based on something real. that he knows that day to day, they have no idea what it is like to have a relationship. they had the easy part of a relationship and marriage isn't all easy.

we are going to do marriage counseling. i don't think now from talking to him that the affair was related to sexual addiction or serial cheating. they actually didn't see each other much because she is married and has kids, etc. they talked a lot on the phone, her about her problems with her husband, him about his work problems.

he said he talked to her tonight, that he called her and told her that it is over. that i know and that like he always told her, he never wanted to leave his wife. he said he feels sorry for her, because she is hurt, but that choosing between us is not a question, there is no choice but me.

i know that we still have a lot of work together, but i believe that with counseling we can have a better marriage than we ever have. i know now that i wasn't meeting his emotional needs as well as sexual and he has to meet mine as well. i plan on getting individual counseling for myself because i definitely have issues with sex. we talked about how hurt he felt because we would go months and months without having sex and he would ask and i wouldn't want to, etc.

i asked why he was so cold with me in the morning and wouldn't talk. he said that inside he was so mad at himself for what he did. he felt so bad that he had hurt me and that me asking questions and accusing, he was afraid he would say something mean out of his own anger, and hurt me.

i ordered "his needs, her needs" today. he said he will read it and we are going to the the EN questionnaire. i ordered it in spanish, so we have to wait to do that. he reads better in spanish and i want him to understand everything.

now, since he answered all my questions tonight, without hesitation, etc, i am going to stop talking about that. i don't need every detail of how they had sex, etc, etc. i got my answers. i am going to follow mojo(?s) advice and make our home a safe place from discussion of it as much as possible.

That's great. Also make sure you take a look at the FAQ's on Surviving Infidelity and is possible get "Surviving an Affair" by Harley.

Also, don't be surprised if you find you have more questions in the coming days and weeks, including the sordid details. My wife gave me full disclosure but I have still asked more questions over the last 3 months. She will make some innocent comment about something and I get to thinking and then I ask another question.

All the best to you. Read HNHN and answer the questions with each other. We ordered the Audio courses and have done 3 lessons so far. That and the books and this site have made a world of difference to us.

thanks!! i am sure i will still have questions. i am just going to try to not ask him at home, all the time, etc. he did give me lots of details when i asked. he was very open and even had a hard time holding back some tears. very rare for him. he is not openly emotional like that. it was very hard for him at one moment when our daughter who had been sleeping most of our conversation, woke up and was very sweet with him. he said he can't believe he was risking his marriage and his daughter and many times couldn't believe what he himself was doing.

i am reading the stuff on the site for now and it has helped a lot. talking to an old friend who has been thru infidelity and survived today, really, really helped me. i was so thankful to be able to talk to her. helped me to understand what he is going through right now as well. we are both hurting, in different ways and for different reasons.

after talking to him tonight, i realize that i wasn't meeting emotional needs of his. a long time ago in our marriage, he would be very grumpy when he had problems, with work, etc and take it out on me, not physically or emotionally even, but being short tempered, etc. i told him once that he needed to leave his problems at work. not meaning that he couldn't talk to me about them, but that is how he took it. big misunderstanding that led to bigger problems...the affair. i feel sad about that.

in her, he had that place to talk and i know he will have to mourn the loss of that. i think that in reality, it was more of an EA than a PA, even though they did have sex. i have to respect his feelings and not talk bad about her, etc. i can see how what happened did. i had a close friend many years ago when he worked out of town. i did feel attracted to him and he did drop hints, but i never did it. i can see how it could start out how it did and end up how it did.

i actually feel much less hurt about this affair than his first one. i thought i wouldn't be able to get over an EA, but that fact makes things a little more easy to handle. his first affair was just sex. at the time, i was happy about that, but to risk everything for just sex, seems so much worse now.

i rambled. yikes. sorry.

verano, it sounds like you're doing very well. It's GREAT that your FWH is offering information voluntarily. That is key to rebuilding trust, and it sounds as if he really is trying to do that.

I'm very impressed with you--the simple fact that you can recognize that therewere needs of his that went unmet but that you don't "personalize" it (the quote "I feel sad about that" was a great view into your soul right now) is a good sign. Kudos!

My FWH didn't know until the A began that he had an EN for conversation and something beyond "utilitarian" communication. I was doing what I'd always thought was "right" in dealing with his gender--giving him basic conversation, then leaving it at that and letting HIM decide to pursue deeper communication if he wanted but not pushing. I wish he'd have actually TOLD me he felt like I didn't WANT to talk to him because it wasn't the case. Our communication now is 200% better--for both of us. Too bad it nearly took the death of our marriage to find that out.

You sound like you're doing great, just remember that setbacks can still happen--your recovery this time is still very new and raw.

camo,

thanks. i still feel good this morning. we snuggled in bed and talked this morning before he went to work. i told him that i do understand him even though it might not seem so. i told him that i know that he is going to mourn the loss of the OW, especially since they had a friendship, but that the friendship can't continue. he agreed completely and said that he knows that it can't.

i know he feels hurt and that he, too, is suffering. i also know that my being understanding probably hurts even more, but i want him to know that i do understand. i am afraid to push him away in that regard, so i have to be careful. i don't want to add to his already obviously immense guilt.

as i have thought about things and the past, especially since i had a clue about the affair last year, but he denied it and i believed him. (denial is easier than the truth sometimes, especially since i had swore that another affair would be the end. and i think it might have been if not for our daughter) things have come to me, times he didn't want me to go to work, etc. i asked him about those times and he said that he felt horrible about what was going on and yet at the same time felt powerless to stop. i remember him always being happy if i got put on call at the hospital, and now i know why. then he couldn't talk to her, he was with me.

i am sure there will be setbacks and that i won't always be so chipper. right now i am so happy that he is opening up to me and that gives me a lot of hope. i don't know if we will make it through this, but i think we just might and that chance is one i absolutely HAVE to take. for me, for my daughter and for my unborn baby.

thanks! hope your recovery goes well and that you will be a MB success story and me as well!

{{{Verano}}}

That's wonderful news!

Wonderfull News!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

True open communiction / real soul searching of oneself are essential for true recovery.

You are on the right path. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It may be difficult at times but it is essential that you continue to communicate openly. Be wary of the "He / She knows how I feel about that" trap.

The road may be bumpy sometimes but the destination makes it all worthwhile.

Good Luck!

Gosh sounds like it could be good news.

Please protect your marriage by letting the OW's husband know about the affair. That is essential. Also your husband needs to write her a no contact letter.

I may be just cynical, but I have the feeling they may continue the affair, and just be more careful about it.

thanks guys. i can't tell her H about the affair. i know that that is probably standard, but he works for my H and i don't know if he is violent or not. i can't risk that. i am putting up boundaries and i will be checking up on my H. i believe that the affair will not continue. he is not an openly emotional person and i know when he is being sincere. i have known in the past when he was lying, it was i who wanted to be in denial, because it was easier.

i know that sounds naive, but for now, i have to trust my gut, which truly has never failed me. i always knew from when i first discovered the possibility last year, i just didn't want to believe it. it was my gut that pushed and pushed for me to finally really look and deal with it.

Well, Verano, this is ***One*** way to handle things I guess.

I will tell you, that I am sadly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.....yet extremely confident that you will live to regret the above posted statements.

Rather than get into it and "rain on your parade", I will just bid you "goodluck"...I hope for your sake, you "gut" doesn't let you down....for me that wouldn't be good enough.....but then again that is just me.

Happy Thanksgiving to all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

i didn't expect anything less from you lemonman, you always shoot from the hip. i have read your posts here before. i do know that my gut hasn't failed me. i knew all along in my gut that he was cheating. i just wasn't ready to admit it to myself and do what was necessary to get proof. i am trusting that i can trust my gut this time.

DH is being open with me. He told me that she called him today and wanted to talk. He told her he was busy and couldn't. I asked him not to call her until he got home and I could listen to what he says. He said that that is fine, he already told me that whatever it takes, he will do. I guess I will see when he gets home. I can also see his phone records because he has always used the cell phone that I have password to, etc to talk to her. I know her phone number.

anyway, happy thanksgiving to you and everyone else. i will try to have the happiest one i can.

Just a word of advice - do not permit him to have ANY contact with her at all. If she calls, he hangs up. When at home - YOU call her back, not him. You handle any and all contact - not him. NO Contact means just that - NONE. It is the primary key to your recovery.

Bless you.