I found out accidentally 10 days ago thru emails that my husband had an affair which I think was a few months in duration. I believe it may have ended a couple of months ago although the emails continue.
I was completely devastated and was one of those women who completely trusted and loved my husband and thought he was perfect. The realization that I was so wrong is hard.

I believe he truly loves me and would never leave or hurt me intentionally. That helps. I believe it was for excitement or attention that he didn't feel he got at home. That too is true. I am a very busy owner of an internet company and have made very little time for anything else. I see now that is a mistake. He encouraged me to immerse my self in work, probably so he could be free to do as he pleased.

I cried and couldn't sleep, eat or be anything other than miserable for about 7 days. He spent those days with me holding me and apologizing, tryng to answer my million questions again and again. At the end of the 7 days, I felt so overwhelmed with hurt and emotion that I had to do something different just to survive the night. I forgave him and truly felt it in my heart. I got peace from that decision and pledged to myself not to focus on the details anymore. This has helped me so much to feel calmer. I refuse to be constantly thinking about where is he and what he is doing when at work. I am trying to work on myself and the way I give him attention. I know what he wants and always have, but I need much less contact that he does so I have tended to be too "busy" to bother. I am changing that and trying to be more involved in him.

I worry, that I am just fooling myself. This couldn't be the beginning of healing our relationship. It feels too easy to be true. So many people on this site are upset for months and years, that my experience seems odd to me. Does anyone else get over the horrible hurt this quickly or is it going to hit me again.

Welcome to MB. It is a good place for support.

I could have written this letter nearly 5 months ago.

You said the emails are continuing. That needs to stop. Please go buy Survivng an Affair. He will need to send a no contact letter to her. The book explains it in great detail.

Does he work with her? If he does, can that be changed?

I can't say for sure that it will hit you again, but I would guess it might. It seems to cycle for me. Anger, fear, resentment, betrayal, grief, etc. I feel different emotions at different times.

I have to deal with that particular emotion, then I move past it. When it comes back, it is usually not as bad, but it still hurts.

In 4 days, it will be 5 months. I still think about it some every day. Last night I had a question I had to ask. It was turning into the proverbial elephant in the room. I kept pretneding it didn't matter. But it was taking up space. I ask the question, get the answer, and the elephant disappears. Will it come back. Probably based on another question, but yeah. I'll have to deal with it.

I hope the best for you and your husband. Please keep reading and posting. read all the articles here on the site. Buy and read surviing an affair.

How long have you two been married? Do you have kids?

Blessings

Hi,
Thanks for responding. We have been married 34 years and have 3 grown children. I don't know what to believe, but I have been told that the woman was a sales rep for a construction company. My husband is a broker and developer, so she would have called on him to try to get his business. I requested and he complied (at least at home) to close all the secret email accounts. I watched him to it. I have no control over what happens at his office so I try not to go there with the worry.

You say you could have written my letter so tell me:
Did you get over it quickly but then fall back into that black place? Or was it just continuing small blocks of time that it bothered you. I think I could see that happening, but I don't want to live thru the last week again.

I forgave him quickly. The first couple of weeks I was in such shock I guess in a way I thought I was doing ok. Then there were waves of it hitting me in the face. I don't think anything has compared to the agony of the first day and the first few days after that.

I think the best thing to do is be proactive. Read surviving an affair. Have him read it if he will. Go to a marriage counselor that is marriage friendly. Face each day as it comes, do not push things under the rug- they will come back to haunt you.

take care

I thought I was going to repair my marriage quickly too in those first few weeks when he was sorry and trying. A year later, as things return to normal, I am still not over it and may never be. Do I forgive, yes. But have I ever had a day in 1 year where it hasn't made me sad? Not one. Some days of course are better and worse than others.

The first few weeks after I discovered the A were, Thanksgiving, our anniversary, Christmas, New Year, there was so much going on. But once that all stopped, everything went back to as normal as possible and the grief got much deeper several months later than right after d-day.

As I learned in MC that we've been in for a year, you have to grieve...otherwise it will show up again later. I think you are still in shock...yes denial, because I was for a good month after.

You may have a very difficult journey ahead. Please find a good MC and go!

Best to you!
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This will sound naive to everyone I know. We went to a counselor 2 times in the days following my discovery. After the first time, I felt much better and after the second worse. So I did not want to go back. I am so afraid of hearing hurtful things, that I don't think I can face it. I want to carry on and try to live each day without being told things I probably would rather not hear. My sister has been in therapy for several years after having 3 major shocks in her life in a short time. SHe thinks it is a very valuable thing and I should go, but I have so many emotions right below the surface that I can't. I have been reading about Love Busters and trying hard to not do that. It would explode out with a little provocation. I am afraid counseling would do that. I guess, I am substituting MB for counseling. I am reading everything here and trying to understand how I contributed to my husbands affair.

That is well and good, but even if you don't want to go to MC, go to individual counseling. It has been great for me. We have discussed anger - not just at the affair and other things as well.

Best not to keep the emotions just below the surface- they'll come out. It really helps when they come out with the counselor there to help you wrk through them.

Whoa girl, you didn't contribute ONE thing to your husbands affair - he did that all by himself. His affair was HIS choice 100% pure & simple. He made a bad choice - but it was HIS choice and NOT YOUR FAULT.

Now, having said that, there are undoubtedly things in your marriage that contributed to creating an environment where an affair could happen - there were for me. But my wife chose to have an affair, not me.

I would think for you to have forgiven so quickly and seem to be okay with it your FWH must be doing a great job. Great job. At meeting your EN's that is.

What is likely to happen is that there are triggers. Triggers are highly emotionally charged events/music/feelings/times in space/holidays/etc that will cause you to go to that "dark place" - but probably NOT like the first week after D-Day. These can cause a great deal of stress to you AND your H.

Once you realize FULLY what bigkahuna has said, that this was not one iota your FAULT, that this was a selfish and immature and hurtful choice on the part of your husband, you will probably feel more anger. Right now my guess is that you aren't feeling that much anger because you are taking too much responsibility for what he did.

I really hope you continue in MC. Even though it stirs things up, unless you want to live in a pretty facade with a sandy, weak and crumbling foundation, you need to strengthen the foundation, and the facade will take care of itself.

MSA

I find myself wondering about that myself, too. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=1#2856079

I have forgiven my wife, but things have changed. I feel almost like a predator now, than the pussycat I was before. It's almost a cold numbness, and uncertainty of the future that galvanizes me. I'm scared from time to time, but I feel stronger overall.

Overall, I think you can learn to forget (er, or forgive), since forgeting the details are key. Don't forget the hurt though, store it someplace. It needs to be repressed (constructively) or it can become all-consuming.

My wife is leaving for 3 days to go shopping in the US (I'm Canadian) soon and I'm worried about her/us. She's been supportive of me, for certain, and receptive to my emotional needs (and I, hers), but I can't help that think that things are corrected so easily as well.

I find myself being a tad bit paranoid. It really sucks when you get blindsided by someone you had absolute trust in... Didn't mean to hijack the thread, but our two stories are similar I thought. :|

I need to hear all these oppinions, and thanks very much. It helps to hear others stories and how they are feeling sometimes as I am and sometimes not, both are helpful.
I am still OK, with occasional lapses into feeling really down. The worst part for me is never again feeling total trust in the man I have spent 34 years with "happily married". Every thing he says or does is now suspect. That is a terrible way to live and I hope that goes away. Sometimes, I think I am just naive and so many men have behaved this way forever. Why am I so upset? I don't seem to be as upset as a lot of people who post for as long. I am definitely hurt and wasn't sure I would survive the first week, but that has passed.I am just living one day at a time and trying to feel good and happy each day. If I think or dwell on what he has done, it ruins my day. It is just not worth it.

What keeps me going? I bear in mind, people make mistakes. It's not necessarily that your husband meant to hurt you, or lie to you, or pound you into submission, it was (most likely) a mistake, and now that you've discovered just how unhappy he/you are, you can begin to work on the healing. It's the healing that's the hardest part. The discovering is easy, as is the coping with the pain, it's the choice to go on with the WS that is so hard at times.