Almost 3 months since my discovery of my wife's EA. We have seen a MC 10 times. Most of the times we have been in session, it seems (to me) to be a "dump on Oyabun" festival.
We both seem to be in "taker" mode right now. She claims to 'need space', I need more than anything to connect with her. During all of the MC sessions we have focussed on what she views as the problems with our marriage, not her A.

Finally in our last session the councellor told her that all of the other problems in our marriage were unworkable until we dealt with her A. He told me to take a few days and think about what to ask her, then write down five questions. She was then to read those questions and we were to attempt a diaologue about them. Then I was to write five more if I needed to, and repeat as necessary.

When I discovered her A, I asked a lot of questions, very pointed, heated, accusatory ones. They were answered in kind... very pointed, heated and accusatory responses.

I am wracking my brain trying to think of a way to ask questions that will not be more of the same. I am terrified of the answers. I know she is feeling a lot of guilt for hurting me and I know the questions I need to ask will renew that guilt, but they need to be asked and she needs to face the fact that what she did was unnacceptable.

Where do I start? What kind of questions do I ask? How do I ask them in a way that will not sound accusatory?

I know it's asking a lot, but .... any suggestions???

Oyabun,

Has her affair ended? Has she established NC with the OM?

Also throw out some of the questions that are on your mind.

Ask the questions that you feel you HAVE to know the answers to. Don't ask things just because you feel you should ask them. Be prepared to LISTEN to whatever she says without judgement, no matter how much her answers hurt. She has to learn that she CAN be honest with you again too. Unless you absolutely HAVE to ask one, stay away from questions that are confrontational ("What in the heck were you thinking when you did this?!?!" is a good example of what to avoid).

no_cute_name,

In a nutshell, I don't know.

Twice, claiming she needs space to think, she has left for a few days without telling me where she is going. She says she is doing this because she doesn't want me to track her down, she needs space.

I have told her that in order to rebuild trust we need to be honest with each other. I can accept the fact that she needs space, but I need to know where she is and that she is safe (and yes, alone) .

As far as NC with the OM, that is a sticky one. He is a computer consultant for the company she works for, lives in another city a few hours from us. She claims that they keep their contacts to strictly business and that if she were to request a different consultant she would have to provide a reason and they could both lose their jobs. If I expose her to her co workers and supervisors, she would blame me for losing her job and that would drive her further away.

Come on! Obviously the A is alive and well. The question is when are you willing to face the truth.

MC while the A is still going on is pretty much worthless, BTW.

I've got to agree with UVA...given the fact that she appears to be non-repentent, is not willing to share information about the affair, and is STILL disappearing for days at a time...this affair is still going on.

You need to take action to put an end to the affair first...I'd bring THAT up in the next MC session. Which, btw, is pretty much a waste of money while she's still in the affair.

>As far as NC with the OM, that is a sticky one. He is a computer consultant for the company she works for, lives in another city a few hours from us. She claims that they keep their contacts to strictly business and that if she were to request a different consultant she would have to provide a reason and they could both lose their jobs.

Lifes tough isn't it! This is a threat to you! Remember, there are consequences for all of our actions. So, if your WW was stealing from the company, would you turn her in knowing she might lose her job? Why is it that we excuse marital misconduct more than other types of harmful conduct?

>If I expose her to her co workers and supervisors, she would blame me for losing her job and that would drive her further away.

Your kidding, right? She is already "away". Away in the land of OZ! She would throw a hissy fit for sure and the OM would too, but again, at this point, what have you got to lose? Nothing personal, but your WW is already gone. Yes, she is still around, but she is gone mentally and has given herself over to the OM. So really, what have you got to lose? And do you really care if the OM loses his job? Is he married? If so, does his wife know of the A? Remember, exposure is critical and in many cases causes the A to die a natural death. Also, they might have to decide if the A is worth it more than their jobs. This OM might just be playing the field here and if that is the case would hardly throw this career away. Then again, is your WW ready to throw her career away?

Attempting to hang on to her is the big mistake. I'm not telling you to not try and make deposits into her love bank, but at the same time, attempting to hold on, is the wrong thing to do.

You asked for questions? I'll give you just one. If you need to, ask it 5 times in a row! Once you get your answer, then the 3 of you might be able to move onward.

Simply ask her, "When is it O.K. to have an affair?"

It is pretty simple. Keep asking the question. I'm almost positive she will answer "never" or something like that. So, once that is established, then blaming you (even though you are party responsible becasue it does take two) is moot. It is never O.K. and that will start to punch a hole in the fog.

If it is never O.K. then the reasons leading up to it really don't matter. Now, once NC is established and you are in recovery, then through counseling you can deal with what was lacking in your M to make her feel like she needed to find someone else to meet that need.

At this point, there is only one question to ask.

p47d

Q1.) Is the affair over?
Q2.) If no, Why not?
Q3.) Repeat question #1 as often as necessary.

Start gathering as much info on the OM as possible. If she will not give up the affair: EXPOSE to all.

Affairs thrive in darkness. They shrivel up & die when exposed.

Of course they will be angry if they lose their positions. Your marriage can survive your spouses temporary anger. I CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair.

One of the most important issues regarding recovery is that there should not be any contact with the OP. Either your WW or the OM would need to leave the consulting company anyway to make this work.

Be strong, your enemy in this sitch is the A. Go after that with everything you've got. Then you can start to rebuild the M.

P47D...wicked post.

I would add that EXPOSURE must not be forwarned exposure lest you give the enemy a chance to prepare the battlefield. If you warn them then you risk minimizing the impact of exposure. They can warn the boss that your a crazy jeolous mentally disturbed husband and nothing inappropiate whatsoever is going on. Then when you call you are dismissed like a step-child. They may listen but take no action.

If OM is married you perhaps can do exposure in two steps. Immediately expose OM to his wife and at the same time expose WW to her family (maybe not yours). These two exposures will put tremendous pressure on the affair exposing it to the light of day. The word "affair" implies secrecy. Once exposed it can be blown up...the world will sit in judgment and the relationship no longer can thrive as it becomes real.

If your wife can keep her job and switch things up so she no longer ever has contact with OM. If OM's function with the company is completely severable from WW's then I say you may be able to hold off on exposing them at work to see if you can break them up with the first exposure above. I am only recommending a delay in the 2nd exposure if the 1st exposure works. HOWEVER, if there is no way for her to work at her company without POSSIBLE seeing or talking to OM at any time then you must expose there as well NOW.

So full exposure in 2 steps or 1 swoop. We recommend one (or two) full swoops because YES this will infuriate your WW. However, your marriage can survive your wife's anger...it can not survive an on-going ever deeping secret affair.

I am bumping "Shadens" thread to the top for you as he held off exposing and he like so many before him finally realized he wished he'd listen to us earlier. I have seen "I wish I'd listened to you guys earlier" posted so many times. I know it's scary and seems counter-intuitive to piss off your wife when she "feels" so wronged by you but it must be done. Dr. Harley has set out a path to marital recovery. It is a narrow but proven path and exposure is part of that plan. Stop trying to do it your way (or worse yet...her way). You'll find when you take control of the situation, though it is a leap of faith, you feel so much better. (be ready for WW rage)

Read Shaden's thread from beginning to end. I also gave him advice about writing 5 questions and we worked on a list over several posts. I think adding P47's question as number 5 is perfect.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Final thought --- If you do nothing...nothing will change!!!

I wish I'd listened to these guys earlier.

O

I just went back and read your earlier threads. Back in September you were so opposed to exposure. I hope you are finally reconsidering it. You felt exposure was manipulative and controlling. I ask you...if your wife was on drugs would it be manipulative & controlling to pull your wife out of the crack house and expose her problem to family for the purpose of getting getting help, support and assistance? Would you not have to tell her work why she is not there and at a re-hab hospital? Do you think your wife (as the imaginary drug addict) would be happy when you turned on the lights and dragged her out???

Also, I hope after 2 months of going to "divorce counseling" you are changing your views. I call it "divorce counseling" because she herself is likely attempting to manipulate you into believing - "she tried"..."she went to counseling and gave things a chance" when all she was really doing was trying to get the counselor and you to buy into her justifications and rationalizations and let her leave the marriage peacefully and with your consent because after all...it was mostly your fault. Anyway, I hope after two months of that you are beginning to see that you are the only competent person left in the marriage. You must fight for your marriage with every weapon available to you. You are doing this for the marriage's sake, your wife's sake and for you. It is not manipulative to save your marriage and it is not controlling to use whatever methods necessary to assist your wife with either saving her marriage and finding happiness therein or actually leaving the marriage albeit with the integrity derived from actually earning your way out.

Exposure is not about embarissing your wife or shaming her into coming back to you. It's about seeking the help, support and assistance of others with bringing the affair out in the open, opposing it and hopefully pulling wife from her inappropriate addiction. You know your wife is not in her right mind right now. If she truly wants to end the marriage you will let her but she can not think clearly whilst in the throughs of a secretive on-going affair. It must be busted up before you and she can see what remains of your marriage.

You have been through ****** and you must be sooooo sick of this. Your love for her is likely waining. You must fight before it's all gone. You are the only one left to save your marriage. As Ben Stiller said in the movie Starsky & Hutch..."DEW IT".

I wish you well and offer my sympathy. We've all been there. You are doing so much better than me by just posting here and asking questions. I merely lurked last spring. I presume you've reached out because you are at a loss of what to do. I implore you to take control of your life and buy into the plan. Whatever the result you'll be so glad you did some day. You will make it, with or without your wife you will make it.

Good luck again,

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-BTW, there are tracker devices you can put on an auto which can trace there whereabouts with GBS and the internet. They are not too expensive. If interested post a thread asking for advice on it.