It was a few weeks ago around Halloween and my H was up to screaming at me again. I thought I had just about enough of the garbage in my life. All I was looking for was an ear to cry into, someone who could make me feel wanted, fresh and young again. I went into a chat room and posted a profile. Never did that before, explained that I was married, didn't want a relationship didn't want to have all the strings. Just conversation and stability with someone intelligent. A good friend and someone who wouldn't judge me. I received plenty of attention, mostly unwanted. Most were clearly seeking brief intensely noncomittal coitus. This was not what I wanted.

What I wanted was my husband to treat me differently than he has in the past. Oh, yes we've discussed it and had many ideas about it, but none have ever worked. So here I was, in the middle of a chat room, coffee in one hand, mouse in the other, looking for....something.

A rather stately sounding gentleman found my address and responded and I to him. I disguised my name, my address and exact location because you never know about some people. We chatted back and forth for about two weeks before he started pressuring me to see him in person, and to give him my phone number. I explained to him that I was married, didn't want that kind of relationship. He explained that family didn't mean anything to him, that he was married as well and that he was 'missing' something in his marriage. Unfufilled. I told him that what he was proposing was adulterous and would possibly result in the dissolution of both our marriages. He thought differently. He felt that as long as he still had feelings for his spouse and never quit loving her as a person, the marriage could still work. You see, he had already had a previous affair almost a year ago which fell apart. The woman was recently divorced and on the rebound. He told her he loved her, bought her flowers ect. slept with her and eventually they went their own separate ways.

I guess what was bugging me was that on one hand he was saying to me that all he wanted was a good friend and then on the other hand he wanted to see into my eyes, meet with me infrequently and of course, the secret would be ours.

Yesterday, I told him that I simply couldn't go through with this type of arrangement as much as my H has done to me over the years, he simply didn't deserve to be treated like this. I explained again that my interest was completely non committal and I wanted no sexual relationship. He appearantly felt that he could love two people differently.

I feel fortunate to have escaped this person ....Has anyone else had something like this happen to them?

All I was looking for was an ear to cry into, someone who could make me feel wanted, fresh and young again.
Textbook example of how affairs start.

What I wanted was my husband to treat me differently than he has in the past.
How is your treatment of him?
Is it different than it was when you first met?

What do your husband say when you described what happened with this "stately sounding gentleman "?

This pretty much describes how my FWH felt and acted beginning years prior to his affair. Eventually, a former friend offered up what she claimed was no strings attached sex which was the beginning of an 8 month PA.


Same again, only I wasn't receptive to actually making the effort to improve our less than perfect marriage. What I can say now is that I wish everyday that FWH would have grabbed me and made me listen to him. We are doing OK now, but this has been the single most painful experience I have ever had.

Talk to your husband, make him listen, let him see the desperation you are feeling. Go to a MC.

By the way, your chat room "gentleman" sounds like real scumm to me.

Congrats on stopping short of an A.

Textbook example of how affairs start.

You know, as I was thinking about it. Something just wasn't quite right and in my heart, I couldn't say that what I was doing was good in God's eyes or my eyes either. Could I take this affair to the streets and proclaim it to be good? I could not and all his arguments about how discrete he was and that it was an outdated judeo christian mentality that has a hold of this nation and that pologamy and other multiperson affairs are simply acceptable in many other countries simply didn't sit well with me. I felt as though I was being hoodwinked.


How is your treatment of him?

My treatment of my H is attentive, I listen and even more importantly I try and understand what he's going through. He's never been a person who makes good on his threats to me that he'll find a 'girlfriend' to fulfill his needs, but I don't need to hear that either! I guess I was just reactive about the comments he makes to me.

Is it different than it was when you first met?
When we first met, he was the kind of person who wanted to make me laugh. Who thought of me when I needed a backrub or words of encouragement. Sometimes I feel so disconnnected from him that it almost feels like we're two separate people with different lifestyles and communication patterns.

Is it different than it was when you first met?
I meant how are YOU treating HIM differently now?

and what about this;
What do your husband say when you described what happened with this "stately sounding gentleman"?

Well, first I stopped communicating with him (online person) when I told my H about it. He was pretty confused, but he was grateful that I didn't continue with this person.

Have you explained to your husband how you feel about him and why you went looking for "someone to talk to"?

You need to do this...

I have spoken to him and we went over all the reasons why I went looking outside of my relationship with him and why I thought that this person would fill a void I thought was present in my marriage. He's taking steps to avoid driving me away and our communication is better than as of late, this was a near miss for us, but I realize that it could have happened to him as well as I. His efforts to be compassionate and open minded have helped me to remain in communication with him and avoid something like this in the future.

His efforts to be compassionate and open minded have helped me to remain in communication with him and avoid something like this in the future.
Absolutely essential to prevent this from happening (by either of you) but also to make you two connect and enjoy and WANT to be/talk with each other & not just because you are married.

I suggest you both read & discuss "His Needs, Her Needs" as well as filling out the questionnaires in it.

Indeed. Very good advice. Failure to do this step will result in regret later! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Let him know how you feel...

Count your blessings that you woke up before you did go too far with this man or a different one...you have a conscience..and it haunted you...

Call a girlfriend, sister, brother,parent, they will listen..They care about you..and your husband.

What EN isn't your husband filling for you???

Why not sit down and do the EN's questions together - you guys can work this out...together....

HUGS