I need some help. My husband is in the military. We are going on 5 years of marriage. Things were great. He had deployed to Iraq last year and when he came back he was really different. he pushed me away from him. We pretty much lost our connection with each other and I fell out of love with him. I also had suspicions that he was seeing someone else. This went on for 4 months. Then he got deployed again and we had a new neighbor move in. He is a single guy. Because I felt lonely and out of touch with my husband I got to know this guy better. After about a week We really connected and I started falling in love with him. I had cheated on my husband while he was gone. I didnt think my husband would ever change. When he got back from his deployment he sat down and talked to me and told me what he had been doing wrong. I feel guilty cause he never was cheating on me, he had thrown up an emotional wall because of the things he had seen and done in Iraq. I started seeing changes in him, but by this time I had fallen out of love with him and in love with someone else. I gave my husband some time to show me the changes, but it wasn't enough. I was still hurt and angry for what he put me through. SO after a couple of weeks I packed some things and moved me and our daughter out and in with my new love. Things with my new love were great. The one thing that scares me is that he can barely pay his rent and he has a 7 year old daughter that has no manners and is undisciplined. I still brought our daughter to see my husband. After about a week I started to fall back in love with him. WE are not officially seperated, but we had made love and if felt like old times. It was awesome. Right now he is at home visiting his parents and I am with my new love, But I am in love with both of them and I don't Know who to choose. I have my husband who we have 5 years of marriage and we know each other really well, and I know that we are financially stable and that things will get better, but on the other hand I have the man who I fell in love with. We have more in common than me and my husband do. The only thing is I only have known him for 2 months and lived with him for 3 weeks. My husband still loves me and wants me back. I Just dont know what I should do. Should I work this out with my husband now that the love is back or should I move on?

I had cheated on my husband while he was gone.
Do you mean you cheated the first time he was gone?

Should I work this out with my husband now that the love is back
Yes. You should immediately move and cut off ALL contact with this guy.

Does your husband know about the affair and that you moved in with him?
If not, he NEEDS to know.

I feel guilty cause he never was cheating on me, he had thrown up an emotional wall because of the things he had seen and done in Iraq.
The things he saw and had to do in Iraq would probably mess up anybody, at least for a while.

Right now he is at home visiting his parents and I am with my new love
B A R F!!!!
You mean your new "lust".

You've known the guy for 2 months. Seriously, do you think this is enough to even consider giving up a 5 year marriage for?

Everything you "have" with this guy is not real and based on you hormones going rampant.

Love is an action, not a feeling.

So let me ask you this, is what you are doing with this other man a loving action towards you husband?

Would your husband think of this a thoughtful loving act towards him?

I too am about the throw up at listening to you speak about your "new love"

Love is something you do for the person you say you love.

When you say, "I love you" to your husband, what part of speech is the word love? I'm an engineer, but even I can tell you it's a verb.

What is a verb? It is an action, something you do.

I don't know what kind of vows you took, but I'm pretty sure they didn't include loving another man and throwing away your husband because he has emotional issues from being away at war.

I hope you wake up, examine your vows and then do what you can do to live up to what you promised your husband you would do.

T

Yikes!
How can you even CONSIDER dragging your child into this man's home?! That's my first issue.
You need to get things right with your husband. You will come to see in time that this man is a temorary band-aid to YOUR lonliness. Don't you think your husband was lonely?! I'm in complete disagreement with what you are doing to your husband, your child, AND even this poor sap you've shacked up with. You need to wake up and stop hurting so many people and stop being so selfish!
Now you are "cheating" with your "love" with your husband who you are cheating on!
This is probably one of the harshest posts I've ever written here! I just think you are so selfish and doesn't sound like you care about anyone but YOU...do you CARE how your husband feels? How your CHILD feels, how your "love" feels?!
Or is it just all about you?!
This is so wrong on so many levels! It almost feels like a joke it's so wrong! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I agree you need to get back with your husband. . .trust me your lover thing isn't going to work out in the long run. Your husband isn't going to sti around be hurt by what you have done and want you back forever. Eventually he's going to let go and move forward with his life. Then you two need to work on each of your EM's and also, rebuilding your relationship after the affair and then you need to never ever have an affair again.

Let me see if I have this right, your husband goes off to war to defend you and his country. He see's unimaginsble things there like people dying including his friends and is understandable emotionally distant when he comes back so you in all your gratefullness decide to cheat on him when he gets sent back. Wow you sound like a great person. I feel for this guy. You have no idea the pain you're about to put him through when he finds out.

I hope that you do everything possible to help rebuild your relationship with the man you commited your life to, but he's probably better off without you. If, he can forgive you for this, consider yourself very fortunate.

Sorry for the rant but I guess I'm just tired of reading all this BS. I don't understand people like you and I probably never will.

Hi there, you are not alone some of us do fall in love more easily than others and we all get very lonely!

I would say that women are different than men, they feel intense loyalty to someone once they have made love to that person. Now you have made love to both men so you are naturally really confused emotionally. You can't see what you want because of your fears and emotions and the rollercoaster.

I can suggest not having sex with either man as it will cloud your judgement. All good decisions are based on good judgement made of sound mind, and you are not there right now right? So do what you need to do to stay sane, eat right, exercise every day, get to work, take care of your responsibilities but take care of yourself too. Do not have sex as a break until you are feeling clearer and ready to face the decision. When your new b/f pressures you say you don't know when is the right time, only that you BOTH need a bit of space.

He has to understand that, he will not like it at first but he will listen.

Good luck, I hope the answer comes to you when you are feeling stronger.

Natalie

There is more to it. I am scared of going back to my husband because we have had a rough past. In the beginning he had abused me, but he did get over that. When he deployed 2 years ago, he had cheated on me with some girl in Thailand. He doesn't respect me on some things. He never lets me have a say in some things and he is distant from his daughter like he doesn't care about her, but I know the Iraq thing messed with his head. I just feel that because of our past, that things won't get better. I have cheated on him 2 times before this and he knows about that. He really does love me or he wouldn't have stayed with me. I guess I am just scared at the fact that if I do go back to him that things will not change and get better. HE thinks that family counseling will help. We are going to one in 2 weeks. Other than that I do love him, I am just afraid that it wont work out. Maybe I shouldn't give up so easily. Should we try to work this out. He knows about everything and he is still willing to stay with me.

I am just afraid that it wont work out.
Then you need to do EVERYTHING in your power to make it work including not having affairs.

Counseling will help a great deal. Do it.

Hi, schutter:

Sorry you are going through alot right now. You probably have already realized this, but you don't seem to show the best judgment in men. Quite honestly, I think you and your daughter would be best on your own for a while, or better yet, could you move back in with your parents? Your daughter needs stability, which you don't seem equipped to provide her with.

You are considering moving back in with an abusive guy? Does this sound like a good idea to you when you see it in print? If the war "messed with his head," it's doubtful that he will be any less abusive or unfaithful than he was before! If anything, he'll be moreso! And your sleeping with him?? Why, you want to bring ANOTHER child into this mess?

If your h wants counseling, he should definitely get some for himself. Maybe you could get some individual counseling too. But schutter and guys don't seem to be a great mix. How old are you? Mid-twenties or so? For your daughter's sake, I'd just recommend growing up a bit and getting your head on straight before you start dating again. You are *obligated* to provide your daughter with a healthy living environment. She's not responsible for the chaos she's living in and HER NEEDS TRUMP YOURS.

Obviously, you've struck a nerve with a few people here. I don't mean to jump on the bandwagon to bash you, but there is a reason that some of these posts are harsh. You seem to be in great need of a big fat dose of reality.

Best of luck -

Chris,

While you have some good advice. ************edit*********

********edit***********.


Teach her how.


You don't have NEAR enough information to provide this advice.


*edit********* You don't know her and your judgment is unfounded.

*******edit************

You don't have NEAR enough information to provide this advice.
Huh? Are we reading the same posts?

There is more than enough to get out of it what I did.

*****edit******** You don't know her and your judgment is unfounded.
No, it is NOT complete igorance.

Judgement? She came here, posted that she had an affair and asked for advice on what to do. I told her to stop her effaire and work on her marriage. How did I "judge" her?

If you don't like the way I post, don't read.
If you want to comment on a thread, comment on it.
If you want to comment or discuss me, make a new thread. Don't threadjack.

schutter,

The simple answer is that you need to choose a path and then move forward with your life.

You need to understand why you fell in love with two men. Read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts to get a start on this.

It is very understandable how you ended up in this situation. Many military spouses find themselves in these situations. Hopefully in the future, you will be wise and not have friendships with men while in a relationship with another one.

I would encourage you to bring your husband to this website and for both of you to learn together. Fill out the Questionnaires. Going through these could help you determine whether or not things can work out with your husband and actually how willing he is to make this marriage work.

I wish you well.

It seems that you are terrified to live without a man in your life and this MAY indicate that there are some internal issues that need to be identified, addressed and resolved through IC [individual counseling]. But be that as it may, please understand that very seldom due relationships that start out as affairs stand up to the test of time. The same forces that fed the affair, turn on the new relationship and cause it to self destruct. Lastly, because you justified your affair, your OM may one day end up using the same justification by doing to you what you have done to your H.

TMCM