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#1527317 11/23/05 01:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2005
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OK...so my husband and I went to see the minister who married us last night. We did have what I feel was a very productive session in that we established that:
1. He and I do love each other
2. He admits that what happened was very hurtful and badly done
3. We are looking for the same things in a relationship

She was able to give us some new ways of talking togehter that are going a long way towards productive communication, and we have finally established honesty concerning his ongoing "need" to communicate with the OP.He promised to let me know if she and he had anymore communication. So far, she has not initiated the contact, she has only responded if he did.

We discussed the possiblity of my sending her an email. I feel torn. Right now, I would rather let sleeping dogs lie. But, in a way, I would like to ask her to please withdraw from the "friendship" out of respect for me and him, so that we could more clearly focus on our relationship.My only problem with it is that he wants to read it if I do, and he would probably bow up at my asking her to back off. I don't KNOW that though, I am only assuming.Right now he is struggling with whether or not we will end up continuing the marriage.Aalthough he isn't rushing out of the house to a lawyer, he still thinks he wants to move out (impossible right now due to money, thank god). He wants to be sure that he will not ever hurt me like that again, he says.We talked about a "dating" type relationship if he does move out, where he promised he would come see me a lot. Of course, my fear is that it will just be a steppingstone to seeing her too, maybe. We did get married rather quickly and with not enough time to really get to know one another, but at the time he was so sure. He will not give me any clear indication that he really wants to stay with me, except that he does say he loves me very much and he is behaving like he does. I am trying to do Plan A as I understand it. We both plan to start individual therapy as soon as his insurance kicks in. If we can continue to see the minister that would also help, but she can't see us every week and I'm thinking we may want couples counseling too. Just the money issue is constricting.

So..What does anyone think concerning my emailing the OP?
If my letter is respectful and honest, not blaming or ranting...do you think it would help or hurt? I have seen the way she writes to him and it does not sound like a big romantic thing at all. Feedback?

Joined: Jul 2005
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You really need to get the book Surviving an affair. It goes into grat deatail about the no contact letter. Your husband should write it and you should approve and send it or be there when he sends it.

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Yes, DO get and read the book.
If your husband is serious about restoring your marriage, he will write the No Contact letter. It shouldn't come from you, but you should read it and approve it. Also, post a draft here to be vetted by the MB'ers. They are very knowledgeable.

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Check out... No Contact Letters

Jim

NSR #1527321 12/05/05 11:18 AM
Joined: Feb 2005
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Quote
So far, she has not initiated the contact, she has only responded if he did.

If he is still contacting her, there isn't NC at all.


Quote
I would like to ask her to please withdraw from the "friendship" out of respect for me and him, so that we could more clearly focus on our relationship.
Your husband needs to make a decision and cease contact, he should write the letter and you should approve it.

Quote
he still thinks he wants to move out (impossible right now due to money, thank god). He wants to be sure that he will not ever hurt me like that again, he says.We talked about a "dating" type relationship if he does move out, where he promised he would come see me a lot. Of course, my fear is that it will just be a steppingstone to seeing her too, maybe.
IMHO, there is no maybe here. It sounds to me like this affair isn't over at all. Agree that you need to get SAA and read it thoroughly. Then come up with a good Plan A.


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

Recovered

Moderated by  Fordude 

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