OK...so my husband and I went to see the minister who married us last night. We did have what I feel was a very productive session in that we established that:
1. He and I do love each other
2. He admits that what happened was very hurtful and badly done
3. We are looking for the same things in a relationship

She was able to give us some new ways of talking togehter that are going a long way towards productive communication, and we have finally established honesty concerning his ongoing "need" to communicate with the OP.He promised to let me know if she and he had anymore communication. So far, she has not initiated the contact, she has only responded if he did.

We discussed the possiblity of my sending her an email. I feel torn. Right now, I would rather let sleeping dogs lie. But, in a way, I would like to ask her to please withdraw from the "friendship" out of respect for me and him, so that we could more clearly focus on our relationship.My only problem with it is that he wants to read it if I do, and he would probably bow up at my asking her to back off. I don't KNOW that though, I am only assuming.Right now he is struggling with whether or not we will end up continuing the marriage.Aalthough he isn't rushing out of the house to a lawyer, he still thinks he wants to move out (impossible right now due to money, thank god). He wants to be sure that he will not ever hurt me like that again, he says.We talked about a "dating" type relationship if he does move out, where he promised he would come see me a lot. Of course, my fear is that it will just be a steppingstone to seeing her too, maybe. We did get married rather quickly and with not enough time to really get to know one another, but at the time he was so sure. He will not give me any clear indication that he really wants to stay with me, except that he does say he loves me very much and he is behaving like he does. I am trying to do Plan A as I understand it. We both plan to start individual therapy as soon as his insurance kicks in. If we can continue to see the minister that would also help, but she can't see us every week and I'm thinking we may want couples counseling too. Just the money issue is constricting.

So..What does anyone think concerning my emailing the OP?
If my letter is respectful and honest, not blaming or ranting...do you think it would help or hurt? I have seen the way she writes to him and it does not sound like a big romantic thing at all. Feedback?

Post Extras: Print Post Remind Me! Notify Moderator Email Post
moveforward
Member


Reged: 07/07/05
Posts: 121

Re: Contacting the OW [Re: Nicneven]
#2869944 - 11/23/05 02:55 PM
Edit post Edit Reply to this post Reply Reply to this post Quote Quick Reply Quick Reply

You really need to get the book Surviving an affair. It goes into grat deatail about the no contact letter. Your husband should write it and you should approve and send it or be there when he sends it.

--------------------

Even if she says she will leave your H alone, you cannot trust her word. Her actions have proven her to be devoid of all honor. (Your H, too, but he at least has a chance to earn his honor back.)

The above advice about sending a NC letter is very good. Once it is sent, don't have any more to do with her.

Read thru this article...paying special attention to the no-contact letter:How should affairs end

I did send an e mail on day 3 after d-day. I published it here as "not a normal NC letter" ...I think in general questions, if you want to read it.
I also spoke with the OW yesterday. HUGE violation of NC, I am glad I did it , but it opened a can of worms. But there was a trade of...I learned some things about her that confirmed what a coniving, manipulative, sneaky, lying B!tch that she is and that she IS still trying to keep my H in her sights!

I am nieve, I give people the benefit of the doubt that they will be decent human beings and be honest and do the right thing. I "had" to know what was going on from OW's perspective IF she was willing to talk. She did not directly answer most of my questions, she was evasive, but then unknowingly, she answered others with out knowing I already had the REAL answers! Thus confirming what a PIG she is and the above mentioned negative traights. I also know that I have to protect my marriage more fiercly than I have been|!| I know my enemy and what I am really up against. Knowledge is power.

It hurt like crazy to speak with her, but I have dealt with worse pain. The shot in the arm is never worse than the illness it vacinates against!!!!!

Hang on and hang in there!

Hi, I emailed the OW only a few weeks ago. DDay was 27 June 2005. My H hadnt contacted her. But she would take it upon herself to email or sms him regarding posts he put on different forums (he has sonce resigned from these forums). I check his emials etc and he showed me a sms from her a couple of weeks ago,she basically asking why he resigned from the forums etc, she was worried about him, was he trying to avoid her Doh! and wanted 1 more chat with him. So I just sent her a polite email. some thing like "Ok enough is enough. Can you please stop contacting MY husband. We are in the process of trying to get our FAMILY back together. Maybe you should put the effort into your own husband and leave my alone." She replied "Ok fairenough. You will hear from me no more. The went on to tell me that the only contact she has made was unsolicited and this was the first solicted message she has sent. Yeah right. ANyway I think she actually realised that he had been showing me her messages and that i had read the emials that she sent, so maybe woke her up a bit. In hindsight I shoudl have made WH do it, but in a way it actually made me feel better, only for the fact that i think it made her realise that I am actually part of this. Cheers and good luck