Does anyone else feel guilty if their ex is not dating or doesn't tell you? I am a hopeless romantic and want my ex back, but he and I have a number of big problems, one he is overwhelmed by having sex, and so am I, he is shy and we have trouble in this area-now he is very withholding and will rarely compliment or cuddle without something else being negotiated. Finances are an issue as he is irresponsible although I know he doesn't mean to be. I feel held back, torn apart, many dates have ended and I cried later because I was so confused about guilt.

I am guilty of ending the relationship with him, and so I am living two lives, the one where everything ends with us, and the one where it doesn't, but I don't know where either ends. This past year I gave up on dating after feeling so much for him, and we committed again. Still I feel held back and torn apart, doing things for myself, taking a new job, having dinner with friends, seeing a man I am attracted to even though he knows I am not interested in dating him. I feel disrespectful to both of us, and I know I have not been there in my heart for the men that I dated this year and there were bitter heartbreaks.

So, what is going on with me? Does anyone else ever feel this way? My ex will call and cry about how he doesn't want me to stop loving him, because things will change, but we can't be together now. What do I do? Do I see men and tell them I am dating my ex? Do I spend the holidays alone because the ex can't be there?

So confused to the point where I feel love is all about family and maybe there is no sexual attraction between me and any man. Maybe I am too needy to be with any man because I still feel this need for my ex?

We both do well when we are practical and help each other but the sex and love just doesn't happen for him. It breaks my heart because he will kid around or joke about sex, but that is such a turn off for me. It's like he is a little kid talking about something nasty-how can feel he is still attracted to me? I know he is not cut off from me, I know he loves me, and I know most men cut themselves off from me, withdraw as soon as their needs are not met. My ex is a loving person with a huge heart and not much in the way of brains!

What would you do?

I read your two posts here, and I can say just one thing - do not date until you get all these issues resolved. You are a hazard to the dating world in your current confused state of mind.

AGG

I think you are finding out for yourself that you are not ready to date yet. Get your issues resolved from your ex first.

My last BF ended things with me because he realized he's not ready to date. I'm angry and hurt, partly because HE should have NEVER started dating me or anyone else until he resolved his own issues. It's not fair to drag other people into your problems. If you start dragging other men into your life, they will get hurt too, and you are causing yourself more pain than you need, or can imagine.

Figure out what you want with your ex, and stick to it. Let each other go for good, for make a commitment to work on it.

In my humble opinion, you should seek counseling to work through these issue. You seem to be caught in a feedback loop, with every new loop causing more problems, heartache, grief and aggrivation than the previous loop.

Sometimes, we need professional help to get out of the loop and on the way to health.

Get yourself healthy and then you will be able to make a good decision about your ex husband.

This maybe true but I have to make decisions on my own at some point regarding my feelings for my ex. Although he says he can be there for me, he never is, and we still have not resolved anything as he constantly talks in circles about what he's going to do and then blows me off. I can't live like that.

I agree I will not date, as for the one I wrote about in another post I have already told him I like him but I am not ready to date yet and why. He is not happy about it but we are still friends-as he told me from the start he didn't think I was ready. Although it seems he will get hurt, I don't think so, he is fairly strong, stronger than me, and he knows when and where to set the boundaries. At the same time I have made my life about other things, family and work. As of this weekend I need to take a different direction and I am not so interested in making a man the center of my emotions anymore. If my ex gets it together I will be there for him, but I can't be available emotionally for any male right now.

Natalie

Natalie, what may be true? You said "This may be true, but I have to make decisions on my own at some point regarding my feelings for my ex."

If you were referring to JE recommendation of counseling, I think you should re-evaluate it. Counseling can help you uncover all the feelings and process them. It can also help you come to terms with what you know with your mind verus what you want with your heart.

Greengables, this is so true. I have made a few apts with a counselor but had to break them for work-I am in a small town and here they are available M-Fri 10-5 only. I will have to try harder to find someone available in the off hours but he or she may not be a relationship counselor and I would prefer a male counselor to get some insights. When I get women counselors they seem to have less insights into the men in my life.

Thank you, sometimes I feel I am unlovable.

Salty, Counselors aren't supposed to give you insights into the men in your life. That's what girlfriends are for.

You may big bucks to counselors so they can give you insights into YOURSELF.

For instance, what do you get out of having these men in your life? What benefit do you derive from the chaos? What roadblocks are you throwing up for yourself?

Greengables, well for one thing I can't seem to make love to anyone new without thinking of my ex and feeling guilty. I can't seem to get any kind of straight answers out of him regarding anything-he is constantly talking in circles and can't get it together to visit me due to finances. I get very anxious being alone, as I am in a small town waiting for my house to sell and it's been for sale for a year. There are virtually no single women to talk to, there are married women at work and in my sewing club. Other than that, I am trying to work on moving forward at work and the sale of my house.

The men in my life are very caring but want sex to form a commitment, a family, they want babies, a wife, yet they want me to sell my house. At the same time it's been ****** trying to fix up the house to sell and work this summer-I rely on people to help basically.

If a man is helpful and shows a real interest in me, as a friend, we usually talk about the house only it's not selling so I am not moving forward on the relationship until it sells-for one thing no man wants a financial burden, it's clear-and I really can't leave the state with it unsold as I have constant issues with it. I get very lonely when I do not see my life progressing in anyway and want very much to be in a romantic relationship but-it's virtually impossible.

Natalie

Is this the one you went sweater shopping with last night? Are you dating, or friends?

Hi Faith, we agreed to be friends but it turned into a date last night. I am pretty sure we both wanted it to be a date, because we ended up buying chocolates together and there were a few other romantic moments. We are on the same wavelength most of the time so I can read him pretty well. I am also pretty easy to read. We decided to make it a date but things went kind of downhill after that. I am thinking I don't know how to date or else I am doing it wrong. I know that sounds strange but I really don't know how to praise him, or act romantic in public, it's as if I lost my ability to be romantic.

Maybe it's because I like him so I suddenly got scared, or shy or maybe it's because his son dropped by and we took him with us, so I would call it a date although it was unplanned and I am inhibited with his son. I could tell he wanted more, but I felt like this was a three person relationship.

Have you ever been in a dating friendship with a man with children? It's not like being alone, its' as if all your gestures and thoughts have to be above board in order not to be too flirty, so it makes it hard to be genuine. My friend gets noticeably louder and more outgoing around his son but it's not always sincere-he just tries to look like he's having MORE fun in front of his son. He also got more friendly/flirty by holding me and touching me, more so than he intended to, as if he wanted to show me off.

Does this make any sense?

Thanks, Natalie