FWW, who has several times moved home...and said to me I want to save marriage. Now asks me to go again to seek help, but says she would like to save our marriage but doesn't want to come home till after we go together for counceling. Has anyone tried saving their marriage this way?
Seems like a lack of commitment to me? She does say she doesn't want a divorse but I feel like she is hanging on to me for some other reason? Any thoughts...

Sounds fishy 2 me. Maybe she is trying to 'play the odds'? R u in for that game?

IMHO, I would sit her down and give her the opportunity to explain herself. Let her know she needs to convince you it is worth 'considering' recovery...... also that you can't make any guarantees.

Watch her response and reaction. If she gets upset or angry that you are not going to play her way.....then you know u r being setup to fail.

Have you kept up with Cymanca's thread? We haven't heard from him lately but it seems his WS setup him up with a bunch of 'sweet talk' which turned up to be a come on line. How sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

L.

I said to her " I'll think about it and get back...I've waited nearly 2 years and you don't seem to yet know if you want to be married." She was instantly upset. I spoke to her that I was tired and either wanted to fix it or forget it. That I want my life to start heading forward.

She was upset and said ________________________?

Read: Read Owl's post on this thread.

L.

Welderboy....

I don't have much experience with all this....and I certainly have not been around as much as others...but let me tell you about a friend of mine.....H cheated on her after 6 months of M.....at some point (I think 10 months after M) she felt something was wrong and asked if he was having an A.....he said yes. There, she found out just like that, and had the full heartbreak, yeling, anger...you name it.....for a year they went like that...he not wanting to hurt the OW...bunch of BS on his side as we have seen here...etc.....At some point about a year after she found out she asked him..."Are you going to commit to work on this???" His reply......"if you want a YES answer right now...then let me just say NO right now and lets go our seperate ways"....He did not like to feel the pressure.....There are no guarantees....Sure, we want to hear "I'll work on this", but there are no guarantees...My friend and her H have since recovered the M and are now finally after 4 years having a good M.

Now, 2 days ago I spoke to my H, made no demands...etc..just said what I wanted and what I was thinking.......My friend spoke with her H and his responds was, that I should have asked him and demanded some responds and some action on his part. My friend had to remind him of his own words spoken just less then 2 years ago...he could not believe he said that. My point is when you are in this situation, noone, especially the WS, wants to be pressued to make a choice or take an action, they sooner will say NO! and WALK AWAY! While from the outside it seems reasonable to commit to something......

I think your W has to come to you....if you demand she commits....she is more likely to just walk away....

All the best...
Daisy

Hey Daisy...to think about it that's the way she has always been...if I back away she has aways pulled closer. As for what she said was that her heart loved me...but her mind sometimes let her to beleive we may not be best for each other. She also said she loves me....but may never be the same. Heck ? as usual I'm clueless.

HI Welderboy. My 2 cents worth. If you hav ebeen apart for 2 years wha tdo you have to lose by trying? imho, MC will bring closure. Can I assume that she is willing to go, too?

SInce there was several false recoverines, I owuld think that going for counselling joint after some IC would be a good thing. As this is a step of proof that she does want to recommit.

Sorry Orchid, I kind of disagree with you. She might be cake eating but she might also be just plain scared as there has been a LOT of time since D-Day. ANd add the false recoveries, it is a HUGE battle.

Yes, I am afraid this is the nature of the game....I am also left clueless at the end of the day....

When I spoke with H, me for 25 minutes about topics from A-Z...his responds was "this is a lot to think about out, I don't blame you for the way our R ended up, and I still care".....Was I left feelign more enlightned about the situation? NO! I don't know what he is doing or thinking.....avoidance comes to mind......

I feel for you...been there....I realized I could not reason with him...I could not convice him to give it a chance, that we could have a better R/M.....I did tell him I have not given up on us.....yet I will not be friends....I am in an effective Plan B since Tuesday night (I will call the Harleys next week and see if I should go to Plan B now - i.e. send the letter)......it is all up to him....I am moving my life forward now.....

Daisy

No need to apologize....everyone has the right to come to their own conclusions. In this case, it is important that Welder not be taken for another ride. That is a WS trademark. The scary piece is how to tell real from fake. WS still have a strong conncect to the BS' heart. That is a bad and dangerous conncect because if sparked could lead to an overload for the BS and family.

I find at these times and since there is a rope of sorts that is still tying the Ws and BS (even it has been a long time), it is best to give some slack to the WS and then watch their reactions, especially their eyes.

In most cases, it has been found that when the Ws or Xws responds in defense or anger, there is another motive for them being nice and usually that act doesn't last. That is what I think Welder needs to find out. This will help him see if she is legit in her statements or just pulling his leg.

Take a look at the thread I referenced above and read a few other BSH's threads (like Cymanca's)...... it is a sad pattern. I know, I lived through one myself. It isn't pretty or fun. Just a lot of pain t/b followed by frustration and anger.

JMHO,
L.

there is another motive for them being nice and usually that act doesn't last.

So true.....In one day my H told me to not show up without calling, and then told me to show up whenever I want and I can spend the night and then we can be like we were when we first dated....this did not last......He also said he could move back in and live in the questroom while I was in the bedroom, that did not last....then he said he wanted to work on it and see a MC, and less then a week later told me he wanted to be just frieds....2 weeks after that wanted to "fool around".....

It is a rollercoaster as long as you participate.....

Got to put a stop to it at some point and let them figure out what they are doing.......no matter what happens....

I hope she is sincere......I would not rush into anything with her though....keep your guard up.

Daisy

Good point. And I have read ALL of the threads. I know from personal experience that the ties are still there. And how awful it is when th enicenss turns out to be anohter WS maneuver, So I try to keep my guard is up. BUt there is that hope....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> that the WS is sincere. I osmetmes wih my hope would die or I could kill it. THat all that is left is acceptance at the invetibality of the death of my M.
Very fine line to walk.

I just returned from my families Thnaksgiving dinner...after this being about the 3rd on without my spouse there, I kind of just want to give up and move along. The reply above that said...the MC might be sincere and at least could bring some closure, makes sense...and if this is over, closure is what I want. Thanks.

Hi folks...I just wanted to run this by a few people again today, looking for insite. I spoke with her on the phone last night and she said she missed having me at her family dinner. Anyhow, she said she loved me but did'nt want to talk of anything serious. I kind of feel like she sometimes sticks her head in the sand waiting for something to happen on it's own. Later.

Today I spoke with her on the phone..."I think too much has happened between us to save the marriage." That what she said , but claims she loves me in her heart, but feels it can't be fixed.

U R talking tooo much with the WS. STOP IT!!!! Your real W can't escape if you keep talking with the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.