Well, my husband and I seem to have moved to the honesty phase. We have spent many hours lately talking, reconnecting..but...he still feels that he wants to move out. For some reason, living with me keeps him from having the "space"to figure out "who he really is". He says he loves me, but is not sure he loves me enough to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't know how to take this. He still contacts the OW...I have been allowed to see the correspondence. It doesn't come across as romantic. But I don't know what kind of aggreement they may have come to before I was allowed that honesty. I felt we had made progress today..we did the EN questionaire together..he thinks I am too clingy. Well, who wouldn't be in this situation.I am doing my best to give him his "space"...we are doing things we haven't done before..meeting for lunch, going out to do new stuff...but yet he still thinks being in the same house with me is too much. I don't know how to take this.

He says that what happened between him and that girl made him realize he doesn't know himself at all, and to figure it out he needs to leave me. He says we will date. But he will go away every night. He loves me but not enough to live with me? I am crushed and have nowhere to turn,

Is this a guilt reaction on his part? What is going on? I have ordered Dr. Harleys book on Survivng an Affair.
So far he shows no sign of breaking contact with the OW. I cant' help but feel like him moving out is just an excuse to move emotionally farther away from me in steps so he can eventually just be gone. He says I don't love him enough to let him do what he wants.

We don't have enough money for him to live somewhere else right now anyhow. We don't even have money for counseling.We had one session with the minister who married us, which was helpful..but he did't bring up wanting to leave.He just said he loved me, and we determined we both want thesane things from a relationship. I thought he wanted one with me. Still, he is registered with roomates.com and he says if he is supposed to find a roomate he will. I just don't know .

I wish I had the faith to just let go and not worry. But he is my life. It was so hard to get married again after 2 failed ones and a very bad relationship. And now it looks like it is going to be another faillure. I'm too old for this. If he didn't want to marry me he never should have insisted we were right for each other. He talked me into the whole thing, and now he wants to say he wasn't sure?

My heart is breaking all over again. How do you go on trying so hard, and it looks better on the surface, but still he wants to leave? I just don't understand at all.

The WS wants u 2 ride that A roller coaster. He is babbling a bunch of junk and calls it honesty? I don't think so.

The real question is how much longer will you allow yourself to enable the A?

So him moving out w/b a financial burden? Hm... secure your finances and make sure most of that burden lands on his lap.

JMHO,
L.

nicneven...

You have no choice but to become strong....

what you are doing now is self destructive.....and right now you 'know' it is...continue down this path of unnaccetable behavior with no boundaries and you will lose the ability to see its wrongness and you will be living a life of the lie....

you will accept unnacceptable in the name of keeping a marriage that is unworthy of you....
and it will happen with your consent....

He still contacts the OW...I have been allowed to see the correspondence.

this is WRONG he either has to choose to end contact or you have to choose NOT to be part of a triangle....

who is the OW
is she married
have you exposed the affair to the light day..

all his bemusings about find himself and needing to alone are all lies...

none of what he says he needs to do find himself..get space etc....are pathways that solidify a marriage..

the turning away from the marital unit to fix marital issues never works...it is illogical at best......

As long as he is in contact with OW his words are empty shallow babble.....
people that know love do not turn away
people that act lovingly do not abandon...

you realize that the antics of your husband concern me very little...
he is acting like a child and he will either wake up and realize the destruction he is heading down...OR he won't..

what concerns me is your attitude and your fears controling you to the point of accepting his crappola...

YOU MUST find a counselor...
seek it through churches....
seriously seriously look in to this....

NO MORE RELATIONSHIP TALK..
right now you two are on a steady course where he lovingly tries to coherce you in to believing that space and seperating are a good thing...

you need to seperate yourself from that babble..

what does he say when you suggest NO CONTACT with the OP...
lets start somewhere...
you need to build your strength....

ARK^^

This morning we talked some more. He says that this person is, like me, interested in "helping" him clarify his own self-identity. He did admit that part of why he wants to move out is to enjoy more email contact with her, and to eventually see her in person again.

He did say that he was not "in love" with her...but that he did "love"her as a friend. This woman is bi-sexual and has most of her sexual relationships with other women. I read her latest email ( he didnt' show it to me but I found it) and she does sign them, "love" and says she misses him and thinks of him a lot. (This is why he doesn't want me to read the emails myself..he is still hiding that part)


I got a promise from him that he would not move out until he has a personal therapist set up. So that puts that off at least for a while. Im trying to really listen to what he's saying, and keep the "cage" door open with my "willingness" to not go ballistic when he contacts her, She actually sounds like someone I would have liked as a friend myself under different circumstances.


When I suggest no contact he gets very defensive of course. He admits he is in an emotional affair, but he also says in the same conversation that his ultimate goal is the repair of our relationship. So far I can't get him to see how keeping her as a "friend" is harmful. He says he understands how I feel threatened...but it seems to me he doesn't care enough about my feelings to stop it.

I have toyed with sending her an email myself.

He wants to sit down tonight and write to her with me. In a way I feel it would be good for her to know just how honest he is being and that I am very much in the picture. THoughts?

Here is the email I thought about sending her:

L:
In the spirit of female "solidarity" of which H is fond of preaching, I felt the need to reach out to you.

I cannot begin to tell you the amount of heartache this situation has brought to me, so I won't. I will say he is finally being real with me, and has shared with me the things you two have talked about, etc. He and I had a quick start, maybe too quick, but we do have a shared basis of mutual love and respect. I would like very much a chance to build on this if possible without any outside influences at this time. I hope we can all learn and benefit from what happened and use our lessons to become better people and make our lives more productive. I understand he appreciates you as a friend, but due to the nature of the beginning of your friendship I would like to request that you withdraw from the relationship and give he and I a chance to establish what our marriage means to us. I feel that continued contact with you is muddying those waters, even though there may be some apparent benefit to you and him from it. I ask you to consider my feelings as a fellow woman .I learned myself the hard way what happens when one allows oneself to become to close to someone else's husband, and I would never do that again no matter what attraction I felt.
It just hurts too many people. I am still his wife.

I ask you to follow the high moral ground here and realize that all of us in this situation want the best outcome for all concerned.

---------------------------

SHould I or shouldn't I ? Or should I save it for when/if he moves out?

Nicneven
I know exactly how you are feeling. My WH told me the same thing that he needed to move out to sort through things. I kept trying to hold on to him and told him that we couldn't afford 2 households. He told me that no matter he needed to do this for himself. He left several times and came back and finally moved out on Sept 11. I told him that if he did so me and the family would not be the ones to suffer financially. I have his military retirement check to pay the mortgage, car, utilities etc. besides what I make.
I also told him that he would be responsible for part of the bills and I would not help him financially at all.
He did have an a apt for a short while until he was fired from his job. He has been living with the ow since but now will be moving into his second apt shortly.
Believe me it hurt me so bad when he left but I have been doing plan A whenever he comes over. I feel like a new person, alive again. He has noticed the changes and also wants to start dating again.{Not till ow is gone for good}
He is really feeling the ramifications of his actions now.
No money, no family, no life.
My son told him off yesterday and told him he needs help for his depression and to not call him anymore until he gets rid of the ow. My WH finally admitted that he needed help and since he has a new job he will seek C on his days off. That's the first step.
I don't call him anymore, if he wants to talk to me he calls me. I see the A breaking down, not as quickly as I would like, but I am learn to be patent and watch this all unfold.
I hope this helps some because I didn't want to let go either but I figured that I couldn't control another person,
I keep praying that GOD will show him the way home. I love him and won't give up on my marriage.

I so admire your strength. I hope I can find enough to get me through. My H was saying today he thought I should meet this girl. He still insists they are just friends, but claims he isn't sure of her agenda. I admit to wanting to meet her, if only to let her know I am very much in the picture and that there is a real person involved here, not just a name..and that I am still his wife. Don't know if that will happen or not but if it does it allows me to figuratively "mark" my territory to her face. If she has romantic inclinations still I would think it would be a blow to her to see him with me. So we 'll see if any of that materializes. I wish you much luck in your marriage...it's so hard not to just say its all hopeless. I am trying very hard to start back taking care of myself and trying to find the place in my head that will allow me to not feel I constantly have to be looking over his shoulder, wondering if he is talking to her, etc. but just to go about my own life, but still care for him. It seems to be a fine line and I haven't yet found my balance. Thanks so much for your response. This way of dealing with this is all so new to me I am quite confused. It's requiring more self-control than I have ever had to use in my life. I only hope its worth it.

I met the ow... my Wh and the ow were at a local restaurant,
I was driving by and saw his car. Stupid me I was so angry I went in and saw them not sitting beside each other but across from each other. I went and sat beside my WH and asked them what was going on, they were both in shock. I then got up and walked away without making a scene.
Another time I met her when they said it was over because she was a nice person and couldn't break up a family {yeah right}
Believe me it hasn't been easy at all, I still get very angry and I still break down but not as much. It's getting less and less as time goes by. I get very lonely for him and want him to come home but not as he is now. I want my old hubby back.
Take care of yourself first and don't make any rash desicions and I pray that your marriage will work out as I am hoping my does the same.
You will find your balance and GOD will guide you through it all. Thats what has helped me and IC also.
Take care and pray ALOT!!!!!!

Another thing, this sight has helped me greatly. Everyone here has been going through the same thing as we are and I see some many things that are like the same sitch as mine. The vets here are great and help alot. They has stopped me from making alot of mistakes and gave me a hug when I needed them to.

Support is definitely in order. Guess I have to go with my gut on whether or not I should meet her. I admit to being quite curious as to her reactions. heh

The ow wouldn't even look me in the eye. I bet if she could of she would have crawled under the table. hehe
What a piece of work she is. Total opposite of me, lots of mental health issues.
My son said his dad called and my son told him I was talking to some guy {not really} now H is curious!!
My son just wanted him to think I was not sitting at home just waiting for him. What a good son!!!!
Now he wants to come over here tomorrow. HeeHee