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Post deleted by Shattered05


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
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Hi...

No plan B expert here...but I think a Plan B letter should
1. be shorter
2. be kept in short paragraphs
3. start with what you have done to contribute to the problems in your M...

4. I'll have to check more....

But,
It does not look like a Plan B letter to me.... There is a script that BS follow in writing one...I'll try to find a link for you....

You also make some comments that probably will put a WS on edge (like when you say he has yet to wake up)....I understand your need to write this letter...we all have it...but somewhere I read that a Plan B letter is partly a love letter to your S. So it needs to be loving, but tough.

Good luck...
Daisy


Me: 30 WH: 29 WH: left May 8th, 2005 Now: no contact with WH since 07/02/2006 Ark on Plan A plan a tips and musings...get grounded here betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL...........
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Quote
I want someone who will cherish me and wonder how he got so lucky as to be a part of my life. I see someone who will see our breakup as his greatest stroke of luck. Someone who will look at my quilts and my paintings and the things I make and tell me that I'm talented. I might even overhear him telling a friend about me with pride. I see someone who will look deep into my eyes and say "God, you're beautiful". I see someone who considers me first, before work, friends, and anything outside the home. I see someone who knows me and understands my shortcomings but will love me enough to gently tell me how I can do something differently if it bothers him so much. I see someone who will pitch in and maybe cook dinner every so often. Even if it's a sandwich. Why? Because he loves me and he knows it would make me happy. Someone who will surprise me with a cup a coffee in the morning. Why? Because he notices and he enjoys doing nice things for me every now and then. It makes me feel special. He will give me notes or cards every so often, just because. He will hold my hand or give me a kiss in public every now and then. He will hold me when I cry, listen when I talk, and let me be me, for better or worse. Most of all, he will respect me.


If he was this man during your marriage that's one thing...if not, he may never reconcile with you after reading this. Does any one else see this paragraph as a trojan horse LB?

Anyway, deep down he knows he is failing you and his family. He feels guilt but compartmentalizes it for now to escape from it. He may laugh this paragraph off as your pipe dream but he more likely will apply rationalizations and justifications to it thinking..."I am incapable and/or could never satisfy this woman like she wants or needs so why not just let her go...it's easier/better that way." To summarize...if he was not this man... you may not win him back by pointing out all his other failings on top of the affair. His other failings can be addressed once the affair is busted up and you work to restore your marriage.

Daisy is right about this being a love letter. I have not advised too much on them as I have never written a Plan B letter (thank God) but this paragraph could be utilized if you changed it from discussing a metaphorical husband to discussing the husband he surely grew up wishing/planning to be. The husband he, you and God thought he was going on your wedding day. The husband he used to be (before being abducted by aliens). Then you conclude the paragraph with his thinking point..."Are you not the man I married", "Who are you? or something to that effect (see other letters).

Dr. Harley told a friend of mine on here a few weeks ago that Plan B is more about YOU moving forward with your life. Sure it has the benefit of potentially busting up the affair and may lead to the restoration of your marriage but that is only a side benefit.

Again as Daisy mentioned, your Plan B letter really does need to be shorter. You will have to repeatedly give this letter to WH when he persists with violating it. It will become your response when you must respond. It should not be longer than one page.

You should read Gramns Thread (just the last 2 months) wherein they discuss him going to Plan B with a child involved. Your letter above invites WH to speak with you about "important" matters involving DS. You may discover then that everything will then become "important" so he can then get his fix of you. Do you not have a go-between to communicate through? Maybe a notebook to pass back and forth? Gramn's thread discusses having a plan to deal with many kid issues going forward so you can stay as dark as possible. Remember, you are going to miss your fix of WH as well and may subconsciously find ways to get around Plan B yourself. Plan B is most effective for your recovery of YOURSELF and possibly the marriage if you become and remain as DARK as possible.

When do you intend to deliver this letter?

It's Thanksgiving and nobody has been around for you so I posted despite it not really being my expertise. I worried you'd deliver it without comment. I hope my post makes sense cause it is late and I do not feel like editing or even proof-reading tonight.

We all wish YOU success with YOUR Plan B.

Mr. Wondering


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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2 long, to close to that t-giving card u just gave him. Imagine, in the fog what a letter like that w/b like. Confusing? Yep.

So what t/d? Well you need to finish your real plan A (make your personal improvements), id your boundaries, secure your finances, setup your personal support group, reassure your children of your love, form a bond with them, make them part of your support group....then.....

Implement your boundaries (keep it limited to the real important few 1-3 items). Then write your plan B letter.

The letter s/b short and concise.

1. Send reassurance of your love for your spouse. Not tolerance of the A.

2. ID of new contact process (3rd party, etc.)

3. Give him the boundaries (allowed contact subjects - mine was mail, $$ and child visitation).

4. Keep recovery options vague. ex: Our marriage s/b what we r both willing to work at. This includes making each other be safe and loved. You can let me know (via: 3rd party) when you reach that POV.

5. Let him know you and the children miss your real H and father.

End it w/o ILYs.

JMHO,
L.

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S, go check out the Plan B letter here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

That will give you an outline of what you need in the letter. I would take out the second paragraph entirely because it reads a lovebuster. It says that he is not good enough, but here is the IDEAL you envision. HE is supposed to be the ideal.

Don't tell him you have been waiting for him to "wake up." He doesn't think he is asleep. Instead, use the format that furnitureman lays out and start off telling him you are sorry for neglecting him in your marriage. [if that is true]

Quote
Therefore, I respectfully request that until you end all contact with OW, you do not contact me unless it has to do with DS and is important.

This is not Plan B. He should only contact you in an emergency. Find a way to set up a strict visitation schedule that limits contact. And if any changes HAVE to take place, then they are conveyed through your son. Nor should your H be allowed into the house.

Will be back with more, have to switch my laptop in the kitchen!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you for responding. I just tracked down my letter to delete the post after reading Daisy's comment. I think I will start from scratch. I also think I should be in a better frame of mind because I really don't feel like writing him a love letter right now. I was thinking of delivering in about two weeks or so but it is going to be hard for me as well. I don't know if I'm ready, I just want to be left alone for a while, unless he is returning to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
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Thanks for your feedback Orchid. It does make sense. I will work on this some more, I am in no hurry.


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
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Thanks Melody. Yup, leave it to me to send him packing with a two page trojan horse sized LBing not-so-loving letter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Dang, I wish someone would write me a love letter. I could really use one right now! As my father used to say, I've had enough of his shenanigans!

At any rate, as I mentioned above, I'm not in a hurry so I will take my time, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. Don't worry, I will post before I send.

Right now I wish I would be abducted by Aliens so I could get a break from all this.


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.

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