I saw an email my H has wrote to his ex-gilrfird....

I am totally heartbroken...I thought he could never hurt me again....I was so dead wrong!!!!

He told he has always loved her and that he tried to make a marriage from a friendship....

Now he is applying for an English teaching job in Mexico that will start in July...

I don't know what to do?

It seems like I don't know this person at all...oh God...

Daisy

Let me add, that she informed him that she is in love with someone else and considers him just a friend...she lives in OH...It does not sound like she wants more than friendship with him....

I just cannot believe he said nothing to me about moving to Mexico....what the HE**!!!

I'm sorry Daisy. I don't know what to say.

When did he write that email?

cnc,
he wrote to probably like an hour ago...

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this new info. How did you get the email?

Daisy,

I am so sorry. I wish I knew what to say.....

(((( Daisy))))

I saw it in his account...it was a draft he wrote to her....

I don't know if he send it yet?

Daisy

Not sure if this will help or not but when H was the WS, he and the OW were making plans to move to the Atlantic coast. We lived in California at the time. Hm.... yea he also told her he married his friend. Sure didn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I was fuming. But then I had to realize it was the WS talking. I saved that info/ammo for later. Got to play back his babble to him and boy was he embaressed. He even challenged my memory..... but it was embedded in my brain. Now it is his job to lessen the scars.

So is what you saw babble? IMHO, probably but right now it hurts big time. I am sorry for the hurt. Angry at your WS for being a true WS jerk.

What would I do? Hm... the evil me would send the e-mail. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Orchid,
I really don't have any optimism here.....

I feel like back in May when he left me....

"I tried to make a marriage out of a friendship and that fell apart. Relationships like friendships like brief encounters with people I don't know have become more and more like another type of work."


He is such a fool...he has some romantic notion about what his life would be like if he was with his ex....with the love of his life....(he used to say that to me)....If he ever did get together with her...it would end exactly the same as we ended....no different. He still would find that in the R with her he would have to work....

Dammit I thought I was the romantic, but I see that compared to him I was the realist.....

Somewhere on here I did see once that it is easier for a person to change their believes than to change their behaviour.....I think this is an example.....How else could he say I was just a friend....dammit, I was there, we loved each other....unless he is just a big actor and then as my friend says "why go to mexico, he can go to hollywood..."

Dam him, I am so hurt.....I feel like it all was a lie.....

Now I am willing to believe he slept around since he left me, he does not sound like he would have any issues about that, I am just a friend after all....

Daisy

Orchid,

Should I still talk to the Harleys? Does it even make any sense now?

Daisy

Daisy, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.
I believe that talking to the Harleys will still help get some clarity in your mind. At least I'm hoping I would.

Thanks stu....

I guess that is what we see here....a lot of heartacke....nothing new......thank you to everyone for the support...you all know what I am going though....thank you!

Well, the initial shocks is wearing off a bit. I still hurt....yet I asked myself what has really changed? He is not a part of my life.

I do think he is a fool.....I am afraid if I still talk to him I will just grow to hate him.....I do hate what he did to me after he came back from CA.....At that point I was moving on, I was ready to never speak to him, and he came back to my life and wanted to hang out with me and sleep with me and he would hug me and smile at me and blah blah blah...........he does not know what he wants.....a part of me feels sorry for him....he will spend the rest of his life pining after some woman (she is not an ex I got that wrong....they always were friends and wanted to be together but it was always a wrong time supposedly???? or something like that )......anyway, he will spend his life pining after her and if by some miracle he does end up with her he will be faced with the fact that she is just a woman as I am and that he will have to work on the R or M or whatever.....that is LIFE....that is what it is.......

Sad really....

I will be fine...this man hurt me so much....he does not even know how much....now a part of me feels like a fool for talking to him on Tuesday, boy was Orchid right, it was WH all the way....I was talking to the air in front of my face.....

So, that is how it is....

I thought he might be coming out of the fog but he is even deeper than I could ever have imagine.....the whole Mexico thing is another part of the farry tail that will blow up in this face...what is he thinking.....why bother taking phylosophy course next term (he is taking 3), he is so messed up....

Daisy

Well, I went to my hotmail account to see how drafts work and apparently when you save your letter as draft it goes to your draft folder but once you send it it is gone from there.

So, I guess since the email is still in his draft folder he has not send it yet.....wonder what is stopping him. The fact that he is telling her that he loves her and always has and hopes she does not find him rediculous for saying that.....or is it the fact that the whole letter is rediculous <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />....Ahhh!!!

How did my life turn into a soap opera?

Daisy

Daisy, I am so sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I went through something similar with my STBXH. After we had been planning for him to get transferred to Europe (and move there together), I overheard him tell his sister that he planned on going by himself - if he got the job. He said he wouldn't tell me or his employer until the last minute - that way he'd get more money and better housing while there.

I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. I can imagine how you are feeling.

I would still call the Harleys, if I were you, if you still want to try to save your M.

svb

svb....thank you...

How can this M still be saved???? I guess I am not seeing it....

What is he thinking with the Mexico thing? Is he planning to ever tell me? Is he thinking he can just desappear? What about the house...better still what about the M? Is he going to start divorce proceedings?

I am so angry...I am sitting here waiting for some paperwork of his for our immigration papers and he probably does not even care since he now is going to go to Mexico???? My application is sitting there at immigration services, untouched for months because of him, and he does nothing about it, and now this????

I think he is crazy enough to go to Mexico....he looked really depressed when I saw him on Tuesday and I know how negatively his mind works when he is like that....he might not even be on medication as he goes on and off at his leizure....

I am so tired....

Daisy

Yes I do. I think you should talk with Steve. 1st for you, then for you t/b able to deal with the WS. Later if or when the WS decides to shed that WS skin and give back your H, then counseling w/Steve c/b for him also.

Right now don't force him to speak with Steve. He must do so willingly.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Orchid,
I will still talk to him. I figure you recomment Steve not Jennifer?

I need to have some understandgint what has happned to the man I love, where did he go?

Last night, i went and read some of the emails he send me before we got married....a lot were send in a summer (a summer that he now lables as the horrible summer)....there is nothing horrible about it....yes the "so called honeymoon" after you meet someone was over and we were for the first time beginning to deal with some issues, but no way was it horrible......he loved me so much...and I him.....I kept all of them.....and it is so clear, no way he faked it. I am tempted to send them to him, but he would not get it!

So, I am completely convinced that just like any other WS here, he has gone over the deep end and I don't understand him at all.

There could be an A, but I really think it is the depression. When ever he got it I would see signs of his complete loss of hope and the pure negativity....he would always turn into a completely different person...just plain mean.

That has me worried. Depression never goes away.....and now that I see just what damage it does to his thinking....I don't know if that is something I want to live with if he gave us another chance.....I look back now, and it probably has been about a year since he was in the depression more and more and so probably a year since he had good thoughts about us.

He is really lost.....

I feel much better today....I am realizing that I am dealing with a stranger....the man I knew is gone....for how long I don't know...but he is not here....

Daisy

((hugs))

white daisy,

Men (and women) can be so stupid when it comes to relationships. They make it out in their head what they think "true love" will be like and in reality.. you're so right.. It is all work! Relationship are work.. Marriage is even harder work.

I don't really know what to say but I wamted to tell you I understand completely what you feel. Back in 2004, when I was 5 months pregnant. I found emails that my H sent to his ex wife.. (his first true love) and I was devastated. 1yr and 2 months later. he is in NC but I just recently found out last week, he has sent emails (explicit and sexual in nature) to another fling he had with some girl while we were separated. So much for thinking he would never do this to hurt me or risk his family like this again.

At this moment, we are scheduled for MC Dec 6th, something he has set up..All email accounts are open to me, all finances are handled thru me, his cell phone is free reign to me.. so he is doing all the right things.. but you could say I'm a pessimist. I will try to get over the hurt and work on this marriage just as he seems to be doing but if it happens again.. I don't think I would put myself thru it.. again!.. that is just too much

But I know what you must be thinking. "how can you send this person this email when you are with me, when you are my husband, you are supposed to love and protect me, Did I even cross your mind while you were writing this junk?" So many questions and none can go answered.. at least not to your satisfaction.

But what I see in your posting is that you are a smart woman. I know you are hurting right now but you have all the knowledge and in the right frame of mind to make sound decisions and regardless of what happens you will be okay. I see that in you just thru your writing. and to answer your question.. Your marriage can be saved but it will take work, hard work by the both of you.. I pray your husband will come out of his fog soon and see what a beautiful thing he has with you.

I will keep your marriage as well as others on this board, in my prayers. and I keep telling myself "is anything too hard for God?" so since the answer is no.. i will keep trusting, keep believing, keep hoping..

Daisy-
I was out of town at training earlier this week and away
from the computer so am just gettin caught up-
I'm so sorry to hear about your discovery and the blow from
hearing your WS's "fog talk" !

I think that both of our WS's are in the same fantasy land,
because they think that a different location, job, home,
or person is going to "solve" all their problems and bring
them out of their depression, when those of us who have more
clear thinking and "reality" know that the problems are not
going to go anywhere, and will just carry over to the new
scenario, person, etc !!! Mine is exactly that way- he has
blamed his "unhappiness" on me, or on being married, when it
has been his depression and/or other emotional/mental issues
that he hasn't dealt with- but I guess it is easier to just
"blame" it on another person or situation than to realize its something internal and have to deal with it!!

I think talking to the Harleys sounds likes a great idea
(I'd sure like to talk to them about my situation) and
I don't think you should give up- there is still hope !
Slammed

MoBo4 and Slammed...
thank you both...we are all in the same boat....

I really thought he was just confused and in the worse case, did not believe we could work out.....but he has re-written history and gone really over the deep end here.

I know now he is done with us.....

What hurts is the thought that he will go from here believing I ment very little and was not much compared to some girl he loved in HS and especially compared to this love he has for his friend because after all it must be great since he still has this love for her and it has lasted over a decade....so in his mind she must be the love of his live if it is still so strong, never mind that it never got beyond the fantasy and that it is not real in any meaningful sense.....


I am just saddened now. I said my peace on Tuesday but my words fell on deaf ears....he did not hear me.....

I don't even know if I want him anymore....I don't think I could look at him right now....

I know others here have dealt and are dealing with worse senarious........yet I am really hurt.....

Daisy