I went out with some girlfriends tonight. Had a really nice time. I have not done this in years. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I got home and there was a message from H. He has not called me in weeks. It has been me calling mostly, he returning my calls. 2 weeks ago he asked me out for coffee (then I did not hear from him for days ~ till I called again and then he asked again and we went out).

On Monday when he was in my office we talked about movies. I mentioned what I was interested in seeing. He said he would like to see it as well. I just said ok. This is where I would usually ask him if he wanted to see it with me or whatever, but this time I just moved on and talked about something else <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />. Now he called to let me know that he is interested to see it and "if I am going to see it then he is down for it, and I should give him a call IF I like".
He also said that he does not know when he could go see it.

Are we 18 again?
Ahh, I don't know about this guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My father told me somethign interesting the other day. "No one gets divorced the way H does".

If I was not hurting sometimes, I would just laugh at it all. Pull me in, push me away. I think the only way to deal with him is to be a strong willed women.

I don't know if I will agree to see the movie or not. I know that I am not calling him tonight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. I'll let him know tomorrow.

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Daisy,

My type is the One. I also have a strong Two wing. And yes, Fours are attracted to strong-willed types quite often. A common pairing is Eight and Four. Another is One and Four. Four is my Path of Disintegration...meaning that when I'm unhealthy emotionally I go to Four's darker side. One is the Four's Path of Integration, which is where the Four goes when they are emotionally healthy. H and I are kind of a nice custom fit to do our "personal work." We both believe that the purpose of an intimate relationship is to help you on your path to wholeness.



Stillwed

Still....

Your post on this personality type has me really thinking. H is always looking for a person to have great conversations with. There is nothing wrong with it, but he can never be satisfied with one person, he is always looking for several connections with people all the time, especially women. I don't really know how I missed that bit. I guess I did not want to see it. I know we all should have seperate friends even if we are partners, but he went beyound that. He is not satisfied with what he has in a relationship ever, he is always looking elsewhere. I just did not realize it. Thinking about it, the phone calls and emails to OW are a proof of what you say, always on the lookout. I don't think he was looking for an EA or a PA but he really believed I was not good enough for him, he had to have all these other women to connect with emotionally. He is doing the same thing now. It may very well be innocent, yet it is really a need for him.

What gets to me is that he did not feel the need to share any of that with me. He had all these contacts with all sorts of people (women ~ quite a few ~ and man), ex-girlfriends, or the once that got a way, and he never let me know any of it. He talked to them about wanting to have more chats and conversations, that conversations were lacking in his life, and told them how he really prefered not working so did not mind at all not finding a job, etc.....basically told them all this personal stuff he never told me. Is this right??????

Is this ok in a R??????

I did not know at all about all these "old friends" he was contacting. He did not feel I needed to know. Sometimes I wonder if I even knew him at all. Was he really faithfull to me. He would meet up with his ex. Invited her to the wedding (did not tell me). Then several months after the wedding it came up and he said "what I did not tell you?". I said no. He said he invited her only because he invited her perants. I still felt I should have know.

I understand about some privacy, but was all this talking and corresponding with OW ok, without ever telling me?

And then to find out that he has had this long time "friend" that he had a crush on for years. I nevr knew this person existed.

I just feel that he really never took the marriage seriously! He just wanted to have a good time with me as long as that lasted. I was good enough for him as long as I was there to supply fun, sex, money,....but as soon as I asked for some support in solving problems, I was an inconvinience.

H is a nice person, but maybe, just maybe, he really is not ready to a SERIOUS relationship, like a marriage.

I don't know. It was just something I was thinking about today. I think his mind set is really "single" even though he keeps looking for that connection with people. Talking to him on Monday, I had that feeling again and there was a part of my brain trying really hard for me to hear it, saying "good redence, this guy is out of your life".

I went out last night and my friend said to me, "Daisy, you loved H, he was your first love, but it is time to find a partner". I never had a partner. That is the truth. I had a lover, who just made the mistake of not reallizing that what he wanted was a lover and not a partner. I made him feel good when we met, so much so that he asked me to marry him after less then 3 months. But I have serious doubts he really wanted to marry me by the time we did the following year. I think I should have really listened when he told me "lets just do it and see what happens" 3 days before the wedding. I wanted to believe it was just pre-marriage gitters or whatever, but I don't believe that now. I made a mistake of marrying a renter! He is a nice guy, but he is not ready to be a partner. I think I see it more and more.

He came to my office, wanted to get a sip of my coffee, tells me he really wants to see this movie, but cannot even ask if I want to go with him? THen he calls me and tells me "if I am going then he would be up for it and to call him IF (yes, he stressed the if) I feel like, that it would be cool, but he does not know when. Commit to the movie. Sheesh.

I am just amazed that my heart is still wanting that man. My brain is telling me, ok so he is a nice guy and all, but get real, he is a renter.

Anyway,

Daisy

Daisy,

It does sound like your H isn't ready for a real relationship. I'm sure sorry you got caught up in his world.

Hey, if you want to avoid the same kind of guy again, keep working on yourself. Figure out your own Enneagram type and study it to get to know yourself really well. We all choose partners that tend to play out our family of origin games with us. Sometimes they don't look that familiar (like our family), but then we are surprised to find out that is who they really are. They disappoint us in the same ways our family did when we were growing up. The idea behind this is that we get to "do over" our childhood with a partner who will get it right this time around. However, we are almost always disappointed in the end result.

Now that H and I truly know ourselves and each other, we really are getting that "do over". It's wonderful! It took us a long time to get here though and we both had to be willing to really do a lot of emotional work.

Take care!

Still

P.S. I'm headed out of town for a few days! Hope you have a great weekend!

Daisy,


I understand this completely. Okay, he is a nice guy, but there are millions of other "good" guys out there, right? What else does he bring to the table? I ask this question myself. And it is weird, because we feel we are both reasonably smart and rational people, but when it comes to our marriage, somehow we still want our WH's.

It is perfectly normal, that is what I keep hearing. You were married to this guy (and you still are), thinking that you would spend the rest of your life with him. Of course it is not easy to just "move on", even if you know that he is a renter.

I still have many moments when I miss STBX and remember our sweet memories. But I cannot keep living like this forever without knowing what is going to happen even months from now. Like your friend said, I need a partner, not just a lover. STBX wanted to have fun with me, and we used to, but once our child was born, things changed, and I think that is perfectly normal. Your lifestyle changes and you just need to make some adjustments. But for STBX, it was too much.

No one is perfect, and I will not make any unreasonable demands, but asking my "partner" to be responsible around our child I do not think is unreasonable. I do not think asking my "partner" to stop lying is unreasonable either.

Your H seems very immature, and just wants to have freedom and fun. But he has to realize, if that is what he wants, he should never get married or have serious relationships. If such day comes, then you and your husband can have a nice marriage, but otherwise he cannot have any successful relationships with anyone.

Be strong Daisy...

Milk

deleted by Daisy......just in case

(((Daisy)))

Jean,
Thank you.

I don't really know how to feel about this. I keep shaking my head. He has no character!

I don't know if i am in shock or what. But I had to give a talk at work and I did not even feel nervous. I had fun with it. I could not get this smile of my face.

I am not sure what to do with this info now.

I am suppose to call him to get together for a movie this weekend.

Daisy

I cannot believe, I worried about him when he told me he has not been sleeping. What a jerk!

Well, no wonder you cannot sleep. He is a cheater, and he cannot even admit it. He has seen me strageling here for months and he could not tell me his real reason for leaving!

Daisy

Daisy,

I am so sorry this happened. I wish I knew what to say to make it all better.

The one thing now is you know you were not crazy and now all of his words and actions make sense.

D-Day was one of the worst days in my life so I know how you feel.

Now that you know the truth you know what to do if you still want to save this marriage. You know the plans and how to react or not react to a WH.

The choice is up to you now on what to do.

Your in my prayers, please take care of you....


Hurting

{{{{Daisy}}}}, how aweful!:'(

Lady

hurting....

Thank you so much. It is not as bad as the day he left. That really was shocking to me and it was very painful.

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What an a$$. I remeber back in May when he left he was going to stay with his friend from the Grad program (a girl) but he decided to stay with his guy friend. He said "people always suspect an A", he said this to me and I believed him, I really had no idea! And even 3 months ago, I was telling him about Walk the Line and he again said something about As.

You know, come to think of it. Before H left we had vacation plans to Greece. His friend (this same girl friend that he was going to stay with at first) was suppose to take care of our cats. He kept telling me what a cat lover she is and how she will do it and it was all set and all and then at the last minute she told him she could not do it. He told me she was a flake. I wonder now. I wonder if that is her? It is hard to believe.

We were suppose to have coffee with her the week before he left me, but we got into a fight and I left. He then went to have coffee with her. I really trusted him.

I know, it might be someone else all together.

Daisy

ladysheep,

It has not really hit me yet. I have to give another talk in an hour, so I hope I hold up till then.

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There is nothing like thinking one thing is going on while a whole another is really going on.

Daisy

Daisy
I just saw your post, I'm so sorry to hear your situation. I don't know how these people sleep at night with these lies either. Poor character makes that easier I guess. What an A$$!.
So you have her email address? maybe we can send her a deployment package for a keylogger to open and spy on her emai? just a thought.

So, do I just confront him now?

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I thought I would just say "I know, so just admit it!". And not get into how I found out. Just that I know.

But I should definately confront him right.

I am not sure if I want to do Plan A and Plan B and save this. So, I am not sure If I should confront him if I am not really certain that I want to save this.

DAisy

stu,
Thanks. I even wrote to someone here yesterday that there are people who do leave the M without an A. Well, my H certainly is NOT that person.

I don't know how he can sleep at night. I want to know how long this has been going on. Did he sleep with me as he slept with her? Now I am going through the 'it is sickening' stage. I have not had breakfast yet, and it is lunch time. I cannot take a bite, I feel sick.

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Daisy

stu.....


How does that work?

Daisy

stu....

Is there really any doubt that he is having an A?

deleted

Daisy

May be a wiser one can chime in on how to use the intel or whether it is a good idea to send her the deployment package. But the way keylogger works is... I'll PM you with that.

Oops you don't have PM turned on...