I haven't seen my H since Aug. 14th or talked to him since Aug.23. I have mailed him a few bills with a note that said since he was working and I wasn't and since I was paying the house payment he could pay all the utility bills, didn't hear from him. I send him his mail without any notes or anything. I feel like I need to do something. I don't really wnat to be in plan B yet, even though it seems like I am. But I have sent him the letter explaining plan B and I am not ready to do that just now. I want to do some more contact first. Yesterday, when I forwarded his mail I included a note that said "How are you? I still care about you. Love Aways." I am thinging about sending him a short note everytime I forward his mail. I assume he is getting it but he is living with the OW. But I just can't not do anything. I worry that he may think he has really blown it and won't leave her because he doesn't know where to go. Maybe I'm grasping at straws. My daughter just had pictures take of my grandsons. I thought I would send him a wallet size picture of the babies together. I feel like I need some type of contact with him even if it is one sided. Maybe it would get him thinking or remembering what he has left behind. Is this a good idea any suggestions. I plan on doing plan b when I get a place to live of my own I don't think he would come to my daughters. The notes would be nothing more then a reminder that I care and still love him. I'm not asking him to do anything. Help!!!!<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

I would send your H a picture of your grandkids and also keep up the little notes if you aren't ready for Plan B. I was in Plan B and am now out of it even though I know my H is still having affair and OW is probably living with him. I recently gave him a bunch of professionally-taken pictures of our 2 sons(3 & 5 mos). It's a hard road to take, but I would keep up with what you are doing. I sometimes regret going into Plan B so I strongly suggest really thinking about it. I am now in Plan A and keep hoping that his cloud lifts and we can rebuild our marriage.

SDS - I know how you feel. H left 8/5 and I've only seen him a few times since then. Two telephone calls. None the first 2-3 weeks. I couldn't stand it. <P>I started writing him about once a week. Nothing special, news from home, news about daughter, really pretty funny letters, with a little one sentence "reminder" of something we had shared that fit into the context of the paragraph. I end with "I love you." Plain and simple. But it gives me the chance to talk with my best friend and makes me feel like I'm doing something. I send a card every now and then - something funny. I send them to his mother's house, she gets them to him - I don't know where he's living. She says he reads them there, sometimes more than once. I can't say they're helping - he's still seeing Sweetie, but he HAS come by a couple of times and we've had nice visits. And last Saturday was the first time he called me to talk - started out about how to fix some chicken but it turned into 20 minutes or so of decent conversation and laughs. <P>I'm not ready for Plan B. And I like writing him, so I'm gonna keep it up for a while - unless something seriously changes. And, who knows, maybe something will touch his heart. I know they make HER furious, but hey, that's just a bonus!!!!<P>Good Luck,<P>Lori<P>

Hey guys I really need your imput here. My couselor said to trust my instincts but I am not sure what they are telling me. One time I think it is a good idea the next I'm not sure. I don't want to push but I just want to let him know I still love him and he has another option then to sty with the OW. I would love to write him real love notes but I'm not sure he is ready for that actually I'm not sure what he is ready for. I really need your help so please give me some thoughts on this.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

The transition from Plan A to Plan B is the hardest thing for me to understand too. I just picked up SAA today, and it is very unclear to me as when to move from A TO B. I think that efforts to go from Plan B back to Plan A are completely detrimental... So you should only go from A TO B, with the timing being very strategic. I don't know when this should be. All I know is that Plan A has to be given a fair chance. The wayward spouse has to know they are welcomed back by the betrayed spouse.<P>I have decided to do a 3 month Plan A starting now, with her having moved out 1 month ago. I think I have been doing a psuedo Plan A for last 3-4 month's, with only a few (about 3) displays of anger towards her. I just got the book today! I will be more "attractive" to her in all kinds of ways... but I won't be a doormat.<P>"While there is no hope for reconciliation when the affair is underway, as soon as the affair is ended, reconciliation is definitely possible." (pg. 74 SAA)<P>3 months should be the time her $$$ runs out. Right around Christmas shopping time. This will be difficult for her. The sponge(lover) will not be there to help with $$$ thank God. He never was!<P>My wife started the affair in December 1998, and I found out in April '99. Unfortunately the divorce has begun (because of child custody issues), but I will put a hold on the divorce indefinitely [with her getting as little financial support as possible.]<P>Then after New Year's (or shortly thereafter) I will start on Plan B [to last for about one year to a year and a half.]<P>That's my game plan for now... I WILL NOT go back to Plan A after starting Plan B. I know attorney will have some input, but I think I will stand my ground.<P>Hope you have a better way of choosing your Plan A - to - Plan B tansition.<P>I still have alot of reading to do!<P>Good Luck to All!<P>Jim

I am really desperate for your help. Please!!!!! <P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

I'm really new to these "Marriage Builder's" concepts, but I feel this is my only chance to save my marriage. Everyone else just says "give up"!<P>I'm not an expert, but I would think of 2-6 months of Plan A.<P>Make sure your spouse is clear that you are willing to work on rebuilding your marriage.<P>Afterwards... Plan B with NO GOING BACK to Plan A. Maybe for 8-10 months to 2-3 years.<P>I have no idea where you are in terms <BR>1. length of the affair<BR>2. length of finding out about the affair<BR>3. length of serparation<P>All of these probably have an impact on choice of how long Plan A should last for.<P>I personally feel I could do Plan A for years... but everyone has to find what they think is the "right time".<P>I'm sorry I can't give you that answer.<BR>"Trusting your instincts" as was suggested is probabaly the best idea...<BR>Next best choice... keep with Plan A for a maximum of 6 months (like example of Sue & Jon) in SAA.<P>Hope this helps a little.<P>Jim

SDS:<BR>by all means send him anything you want to. your still married. go get divorce busters by michele Weiner-davis and read it all! i would die for a love note from my wife right now. the guilt will eventually get to him, but by sending a note now, you are planting a seed, that believe me will grow. my w, send me notes when i was with the OW and finally, after all that, the guilt really got to me. while i still f----- up and continued the affair until they got together and ended it for me (thank GOd). by all means send him what youwant.<BR>

Hi SDS - <P>I think that your instincts are to send him little notes with the mail and picture and I think that you're not being sure is some sort of self preservation about not being hurt if he doesn't acknowledge those notes.<P>Don't expect him to......do it to keep the lines open!! Don't do it to make him react to them by contacting you.<P>It's all in your perspective and your expectations.....<P>I like lostva's approach....do you have daily goings on that you can write letters on a weekly basis? Keep them informative and light, throw in some humor and sign them like lostva - with an I love you......<P>Just remember that this is not to be used to expect replies from him...it is only to keep you in his mind.<P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba