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Milk..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You are right. He does mind not being a part of my life....I guess I just hurt that he doensn't mind not being a partner to me..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> And yes, H now will have to make a choice, now that he knows the reality is that we will not be friends. I am affraid though that he will choose not to have me in his life rother then be my partner. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Lastly, you are right, I do not mind dealing with his moodiness, that is for sure. As far as the girls....well, all I know is that I will not be part of that club <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />! I will not be just this girl that he will have some supperficial relationship with, like all his ex's and girlfriends to be! No! Take care..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Daisy-
Just wanted to give you encouragement and support as well.
I think you've done a good job, and even without necessarily
trying to do a "Plan A", you did all the same things-
Now, in deciding you wished no contact with WH, you've also
been doing a good "Plan B".
I know the MB principles aren't always advocated for the
special circumstances where the WH has mental/emotional
issues or addictions,(since I've been in the same boat)but it's always seemed to me that much of WH's behaviors, things he says, and pattern that WH has followed the
"WS" script enough for it to still be helpful.
I understand what you are saying about the difference
between finding out an A was going on while still together
with WH, versus finding out later, while already seperate.
I believe this is still an affair, because it is a relationship going on while your H IS married, whether
he considers himself to be or not, and I don't think that
it makes it "okay". However, also in the case of my own
WH, the WS seem to think that being "seperated" give them
some kind of permission to do what they want and not feel
like they are doing wrong.
It does seem like your WH is trying to get some reaction
and response from you, and likely is missing talking to and
seeing you. Like my WH, who seems to need to keep at least
a small "connection" , your WH doesn't want to completly
let go. Maybe the "Plan B" and realizing what he is missing
will make a difference- just no way to know.
I'm sorry you are hurting.
Slammed
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Slammed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for you encouragement! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You know H thought he was the one that got to define our relationship.....at one point he told me that he liked that he had the choice to see me or not, or talk to me or not! What a friend, hm? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Daisy -
It's hard to look at yourself & see how far you have truly come since you began this nightmare that was handed to you. I know you are feeling sad, but pat yourself on the back b/c I am sure you have grown through all of this.
I know, it's hard. Glory comes after the sacrifice and pain.
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim, Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />......I did the best I could.....I had to finally get myself out of the mess because I was starting to be too angry and I did not want to end up hating him and be bitter. It was best to remove myself from him. I have grown a lot that is for sure......sadly H did not see that. He kept looking at me as this poor girl. He even gave me phone number to his guy roomate and told me to call him up for a hike <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, so I would not be without friends.....I hardly new the guy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> That was insulting! Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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there is not much new info to turn over and brood over. Instead it is all old stuff. I get sad and cry, but it is no longer so intense. And then I get sad when I think of the fact that I am moving forward in my life without my H. I have no idea what he is doing, how his school is going, etc, but I guess that is the idea of NC. It is strange. If I find out something new, it usually has a way of agrevating me, but not knowing anything is sad. So, what is worse, sad or agravating? I don't know. He left in search of a better life, to be happy, and I really did not see that he was so much more happier now. I guess only he knows. I thought one would be able to tell if another person is happy...I certainly could not tell he was. Physically, he looked worse then usual. I just don't understand why he cannot see that finding happiness does not have to mean getting me out of his life. He use to say that it was not about finding someone new, but ofcourse I don't believe that now, given his "dating" since he left. So, why can't he see that being happy doesn't mean he needs to find someone else...... I guess he really believes that he will be happy with someone else. That just makes me sad. I gave so much to the man. And in the end he lost respect for me. I am still trying to figure that out. Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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[color:"red"]I guess I wonder if you can ever be enough for another person. It just seems to me that no matter what qualities you have, the other person always finds something lacking. There is always something out there that "seems" better because it is different. No matter how attractive you are for example, there is always someone else outthtere attractive in a different way, and hence seemingly better. You can be smart, attractive, and take care of your home, and your H, but you are not Paris Hilton (my H had some thing for her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). There is always something you are not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> [/color] Is it no wonder that so many marriages end in divorce <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />..... It just seems to me that entitlement may be the problem here. Instead of appreciating what the WS has, they just focus on what they don't have and what they could have without you........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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I seem to miss him a lot today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Even going to get coffee at lunch I hoped I would run into him. I guess I just want my fix. My friend asked me if I would feel better knowing that he really regretts leaving. I said no, becuase if he really regretted it bad, but still did not make any attemp to reconsile that would just be way too sad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. So, I really don't know what is worse, him thinking he is happier now that we are not together or if he was unhappy but not willing to do anything about it. I am afraid he just sees us as a lost couse. I am just trying to save myself now, but it is so painful...... I am accepting that he will not be in my life, but I still want him there...... I don't even allow myself to dream of us together agains at some point.....while he tells me that he thinks of us back together every now and then....... I don't have the luxury to even day dream <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...... I did have some stupid dream about H the other day.....I found some note from another woman. We were together for some reason, and he saw me reading it and accused me of spying on him and said "this is why I left"....I replied "You are saying you left because I spend 4 years reading notes from OW?" I thought it was some good RB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />! but I do wish the dreams would end. Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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I seem to be at some new point in all of this.
I find myself not thinking about H so much. WHen I realize that his happening I feel some amount of quilt. I have took 10 months to get to a point where H is not on my mind continuosly just to realize it and feel bad about it.
Letting go and building a life of my own has the negative effect of making me wonder how could something so meaningful to me be forgotten by me. I guess on some level I am scared that I may just be like H. He left, and has been able to move on, and now I am moving in his footsteps, letting go.
If I am able to live without the continous pain, then am I somehow diminishing the importance of my M?
I seem to be kind of stuck, because forward means leaving my feelings for my M behind. It scares me to realize that something that has changed me so much and that I fought for so hard, I myself will now leave behind.
Furhtermore, what does that mean about the next relationship. Does it not mean that it also has the potential to be just forgotten or at least moved over. The quilt of it all, forces me to think about my loss more and gets me sad. It is like I am afraid to make the next step for then I would have to accept that it really is over.
Circle......
Daisy
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Hi Whitedaisy,
I wonder how I will do with the end of my M. I don't think that the lessening of pain means that you didn't value your marriage. Only that God will allow you to heal. That is what I hope for. To heal. I have prayed for so long for my M to be healed and here I am, alone, praying for an end to the pain.
Just like a widow mourns her husband, we are left to mourn or beloveds. I think of my H as being "gone". The WH is just a shadow of the man that I knew. I miss that man more than you know. Time does go on and with it comes healing. God wouldn't let a widow mourn endlessly for what is gone, he surely wouldn't have us suffer more just because our WHs ran off in the search for happiness and greener grass. We didn't do anything wrong. We loved them and tried everything we could to make it alright. Please don't feel guilty for becoming a whole person again. You deserve it.
I wish that I could really hug you. I know the hurt you have described. I hope you can feel this cyber hug just a little...
(((((((((((whitedaisy))))))))))))
loni
BW (me)46, XH 46, OW 42 (former friend)
DS26, DD23, DS21, SS17, SS27
EA since 2/04? PA?
He filed for divorce 3/8/06.
OW divorce final 3/10/06.
He left 3/13/06, "to think"
Gave me letter from lawyer on 3/17/06.
Divorce final 9/1/2006.
Happily remarried to new H 6/7/08
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Loni,
Thank you for the hug! I was talking to a friend today and I was telling her that these whole 10 months I wanted to get to a point where H is not on my mind all the time and now that I am here, I cannot even enjoy it!
I am trying hard not to sweat this, and not force myself to think about the hurt and pain just so that I don't move ahead with my life and heal.
Since, healing is really my goal here, I need to just accept that this is healthy and that I would not be here at all had H tried to work on our M. AFterall I was not the one who got up and left and then made hardly no attempt to recover the M, and just quit.
If it was up to me, I would be working on my M as we speak.
I don't know what is happening to my H. It is really sad that we are at a point where I have no idea what so ever what he is doing, how his school is going, how is his family, what is he reading, is he playing the guitar more, or what?
But the fact is he did not want to inform me of these things when we were still in contact. He did not valunteer any information and when asked just a basic question like what he was reading, he would get offensive. Every action on my part was seen as me "begging to get back together" when all I was asking was how is the music going? I could not be a friend to him and neither could he be to me.
I thought about it today and realized, that I did not know how to filter out the "just friends" DAisy....without letting out the "partner" DAisy as well. When it came to him, I came as a package or not at all.
I do get sad in a strange way that I have no idea what is going on in his life, when I was the only one for years who knew every aspect of his life (ok, I knew more then anyone else, I still did not know it all).
That was a part of me and it feels like literarly a part of me is missing. To me becoming one, as old fasion as it may sound to some, really was what happened. He was a part of me, and now i got this hole that will take time to be filled.
Daisy
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{{{Daisy}}} You said you are afraid you would be like WH by forgetting about your M..., that is not the same thing, and please do not feel that way. You are unnecessarily torturing yourself to feel that way. As you said, you did not leave your M, your WH did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> This difference is HUGE. This was forced upon you. As the analogy Loni used, if your loved one passed away, you will mourn, but you cannot put your life on hold forever either. You have to move on. But this does not mean you become disrespectful to the person nor your past relationship. It’s just something you have to do, and the truth is that you WILL remember your R to this person regardless. There is NO WAY that your WH will ever “forget” about your M. No way. He may not admit it, but he will always remember your M, of course. And you will too. Even if you move on with your life without WH and your pains go away, you will always remember your M. You also said that you presented yourself as a whole package as supposed to allowing yourself to be just “friends” to WH, and maybe therefore he probably did not share much information… I really do not think this is something you should feel bad about. You ARE his wife; of course you acted like a partner, instead of just a friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> True, your WH seems to sense “pressure” quickly, which might have scared him off…., but that is what marriage is. I mean, you do not get married just to be friends. You become his best friend, partner, and a family member. There is much more there than “just friends”. Didn’t you say one time that your WH commented on your girlfriend’s taking her WH back by saying “she should have just left him because he cheated on her”?? So he also believes that once you are married, you become more than just “friends” and should be exclusive. No matter how you slice it, Daisy, your WH is very lost and this is not a reflection of you. Sure, no one is perfect and I am sure there are something you could have done better, but that’s true for everyone and obviously your WH had a lot to improve himself. So the bottom line is that this separation was forced upon you, and do not beat yourself up for this. People told me this: you want to be with your husband not because you NEED him but because you WANT to be with him. So if WH is not constantly on your mind anymore, that is good, because if WH never come back, you will be okay with that, and if he comes back, then you can really ask yourself if you still WANT him, since you don’t really NEED him… Hugs, Milk
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Milk,
Thank you for your thoughts.....
I have been having some really difficult days. Sadly, I measured my worth via my H's eyes, and if he does not want to be with me, then perhaps I am not worth it.
I have been really down.
Now, I got an email from my H that is more confusing then ever. I don't know what to do with it?
I'll post it below.....
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I got this email from H. I don't really know what to think.....is he saying he wants to give us a try or is he saying that he wants the friendship again.... I know that I said that I wouldn't contact you for personal reasons, and that I have already broken that promise once. Now I am breaking it again. I know you have said that you don't want to see me or hear from me anymore, as you have made clear, but I think of you often and want to tell you how I feel. Of course from things I have said, that 'I don't in reality see us getting back together', and that I have been so insistent in my resolve in that way, I know that you have every reason not to want to see me in order to put this chapter of your life behind you. I know that my words and actions have been hurtful to you and that you have decided not to be subjected to this anymore; I know that I am confusing to you and I am sure much worse. Still, I have found that I have not been able to walk away from the feelings I have for you and, selfishly, I feel I must communicate these to you.
When I left in June, I could see only negative things about our relationship. Now, though I understand the logic behind which I formed those opinions, and remember the events that led up that event, those memories are much weaker than the positive things that I remember about you and the things I enjoyed about being with you. I find myself wanting to know what interesting rocks you have recently found. I want to see you talking with the cats. I want to see you with that intensity and frustration, pining away at the kitchen table over a pile of notes, staring into your computer, working on your latest academic project. I want to see that look of resolution on your face when you have overcome the problem, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I would like to order take out Chinese with you and sit on the floor eating in front of the TV. I would like to see you sleeping again, because you seem so comfortable and secure when you sleep.
I think in a lot of ways you are really a mystery to me. You seem full of contradictions and sharp opposing forces. You are sensitive and strong and professional and have also debilitating weaknesses and depressions (as do I) . You have a strong sense of self hatred that you are more than willing to expose and an intense confidence that appears like a light in the darkness. You are creatively gifted and extremely private about it, as if it were some sort of blemish on your character or some carefully hidden spring that you privilege the world with a glimpse of from time to time. I don’t really understand you and have had a very difficult time communicating with you. I felt at times that you did not respect me and wanted to change my character in some specific way. I felt that at times you seemed to deliberately misrepresent my intentions and turn my words against me. Overall I was extremely frustrated with my seeming inability to communicate with you. I didn't see any way to approach that problem and felt that it was impossible to resolve. Maybe that is the case, though if the part of you that feels without words, and that part of me that dreams of beautiful things could be or could have been made substantial and concrete, maybe we could find a logic within which to communicate and express the good things with each other. Otherwise it seems that we were destined to have a painful yet in many ways beautiful and caring yet ultimately confusing and scarring relationship together. I suppose that time and history will resolve this matter, I just wonder if it will be a time and history in which we communicate, at least on some level, or one in which we silently carry it around and hope to work it out.
I am also very contradictory and know it. When we were apart I would think positively about being with you and often when we were together I would think negatively about us. I have been absolutely clear about not wanting to get back together and here I am writing this e-mail. It seems to some people as if I walked into and out of marriage without thinking enough about either decision. I have been mean to you and caring as well. I insist that I see things in a straight forward manner though I have been told, forever by my parents for example, that my actions and course in life seems anything but straightforward. Maybe it is the case that in the end we just cannot harmonize the contradictions we present to each other. Time spent together will be more negative than positive and the assessment I made in June will have been the correct one. You, then, will not be able to get what you want out of a relationship with me nor I with you.
I have found after withdrawing from classes and the university altogether this semester that I love to read more than any other activity, and spend the best hours of the day doing so. I just needed to get out of the rabbit-hole-tunnel-perspective that academia demands of a person. Choosing the material I study, I have found wonderful things to feed my mind and I have a greater sense of meaning now than I think I have ever had. I have been working part time all semester and for the last month and a half have let my interests guide me entirely, and I have found wonderful things, wonderful things in my mind to work with!
Could you respect a man without a career or any immediate desire to undertake one? I want to continue on spending my time as I have been, working enough to get by and reading at my leisure the books I want to read. Do you think that is absurd? Will you see me in order to see what feelings and thoughts come up, in order to create more information regarding us with which to help resolve things in one way or another? You know me fairly well and how temperamental and contradictory I can be. I have said and done things that have been very hurtful to you and of course I am at core the same person I have been in the past. Would you want to see me again knowing this, but also knowing that I would like to see if there is a possibility of us trying again? I have been vocally opposed to the idea of us getting back together and I know this has been more than hurtful. I understand if you don't want to respond to this now or indefinately. If not now perhaps after more time has passed and perhaps things can be approached anew. These are my thoughts and I realize that they may be incompatible with yours. I think you are a truly original and creative person and I think it would be wonderful if we could enjoy each others company in the way we imagined we would when we first met, or perhaps more maturely than that.
You don’t need to respond to this if you don’t like. Please think about what I have said. Let me know if you would like to see me again.
H
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Hi WD,
Is he having an affair? Did you ever Plan B?
Lady
Last edited by ladysheep; 03/30/06 09:24 PM.
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I read the letter twice WD, and it is very confusing. He's confused!
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Lady..... He did not leave because of an Affair. He began dating several months after he left...at the time I still thought there was a chance to make it work. By the time I found an email that confirmed that he was in some causual sexual relationship with someone, I had enough and told him I did not want to see him anymore. So, I am in NC....not a sticked Plan B. There is no indication that he left to persue an Affair. So, I planned Aed after I got out of the shock, and then I was not sure about an official Plan B because he never did leave me for someone else..... I just could not take the pain at some point and just told him it was too painful to be in contact and that I could not be his friend. I think it is an A because we are still legally married. Yet, I know that when people get seperated, many begin to persue new relationships after they leave, so I guess some people could argue it really was not an affair.....as such.....do I sound foggy now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />???? Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Lady.....
I did talk to S.H. once back in Nov, and he told me that H sound like a person that acts based on how he feels.
I am afraid he does miss me and is now acting on that......but as he said, when we are together he begins to get negative, and I am afraid he may just get back into that again......
I don't really know what he is getting at in that email.....
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I read the letter twice WD, and it is very confusing. He's confused! That is putting it mildly. He is "out there" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.....PLEASE, don't read more into this letter than that. He is seeing what resolve you have. He is FULLY expecting you to respond in kind and give him so of the EN's he has missed from you. I would not read into it more than that. Yes, if you are looking from someone to tell ya differently (or "interpret it") that this is a great sign and that he wants to come back now...then I would also like to discuss some Florida wetland property with you. One good thing is that his "resolve" to divorce you is predictably as worthless as his words...so you have done good with your plan...BUT, don't be the dieter who goes to the country buffet to celebrate their 10 pound weight loss. I won't say more than that....Waywards as fogged as your WH are liable to say anything...so words mean nothing...only actions. Maybe this is a first step....but "maybe" is about as much as I would say. Perhaps I am wrong. On a side note, his comment about dropping out of University classes and doing minimum work to get "by" with no drive and career goals and desire to spend the rest of his days reading would scare the living hel& out of me if I were you. That is NOT a man who knows what he wants. That speaks of someone very very confused with life. Just some food for thought. Take it or leave it. Lem
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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I am not sure how to feel about this...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Is he trying to tell me he wants to work on us or not? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> It sounds like in some parts he is and in others he just wants to be friends. AHHHH!!! I am afraid he would just love to go back to the fence sitting.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />....back to the time when he got to think about what HE wanted and at the same time "having the choice to see me or not, talk to me or not" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (his words). Daisy
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hello
by Woodham - 09/22/25 03:47 PM
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