I may need information to another web site on parenting advice. I just feel so lost and defeated.

This past year has been the hardest for me. My boys are 10 & 15. Their dad flaked out and basically makes things worse for me with parenting basics. I'm having NC with him now. We are in the process of divorce.

He's not paying a dime. We have mediation scheduled for 12/9.

Oldest son starts couseling 12/6. I'm in counseling. I know my son manipulates me. I just feel like it would be so much easier to MAKE his dad raise him. Their dad doesn't even get them for weekends or any other time.

Feeling a lot defeated, disrespected, unappreciated, lost . . . . .

Dinky

Dinky, I don't know your story but I know how you feel. I've been pretty much 24/7 with my DD for the past year. It's like everything has been dumped on us. We have the kids all of the time. We worry about money. We have to do all of the maintance, cooking, cleaning, etc that makes our house run. We add on top of it, helping with homework, sports, parent conferences, and rampant teenaged hormones. Are you home with them now? Are the coming Holidays getting you down? Do you just want to figuratively strangle them?

I also have 2 boys. They can be very difficult and very physical. My oldest made my life extremely hard during his teen years and he had a father around. (Though not a very involved father.) I don't know what your OS is doing but it could be fairly normal for what kids go through at that age. My son now admits he was a [censored] for most of his teen years. He was a verbal nightmare.

I think part of this is a feeling of betrayal. Not only did your H leave you but he left his family too. You don't have a backup. Does your H do things that undermine discipline with your boys? Was he formally an active father and when he left it just stopped? Are the boys responding to the lack of a male figure in their lives?

Are you craving "adult time"? I love my DD to pieces but I need time away. When she has a sleepover, I scurry to make plans with friends or alone. I see a movie that my kids either shouldn't see or wouldn't be interested in. I soak in the tub or paint my toenails.

The key to kids is to be loving and consistent. Do you really think your H could do that now? Raising kids, especially ones damaged by absent parents, is really hard. Pick your battles. Give your kids a little leeway. Everything in the house and in your lives doesn't have to be perfect. How much responsibility does your son have? Maybe getting a small job would help. Do they run with a good group of kids? How are their grades? Do they get enough physical exercise? I think that kids are like big dogs, they need to be run every day. Listen to what they say to you.

Please don't give up your parenting responsibilities yet. IMVHO, it would do more damage to your son to send him off with his dad. If you are divorcing, the courts will set up time that the kids must see their dad. In my state, there are court-ordered parenting classes. You've got a long ways to go but kids grow up really fast. Be strong. Kids tend to suck everything out of us. Make sure you find a way to put it back in.

((((((((((((dinky)))))))))

What about some family counseling involving all three of you? Might help make you a better team. Give each person a chance to talk about their needs and fears. The things that help them participate in the team. Plus, part of the job of 15yo children is to individuate and separate from their parents - to begin to achieve their own independence and that can be difficult for parents.

I have a d that age. My son is 12. Read my signature for my view on therapy.

I just need to vent. I would never abandon my boys, never. I just feel so powerless sometimes.

Yes, my stbxh left all of us 13 months ago. Moved out on his 40th bday. Quit his job 4 months later. Has financially devastated us! I never saw it coming.

I'm open to any type of counseling. I do have perfection issues that probably make things worse for me. If I can't do it perfectly then why even try ? ! I need lots more counseling. I know all the answers, take one day at a time. I'm just having a sad day.

My MIL is my only real help with the kids. Her son has practically broken her heart with all of his antics. We are all sad and confused.

Thank you so much for responding so quickly. I know I'm not the only one in this boat.

I'll be ok. Dinky

You are NOT the only one is this boat. I wish there was a parents and kids sub-forum here.

My two DD's are having a very tough time. 8yo DD is just soooo emotional. Every emotion is exaggerated. She goes from happy to sobbing in no time flat. She is angry and hurt but won't talk to her dad because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

Sometimes, I just think about dropping them off on his doorstep and say "You broke them, you fix them. They were happy kids until you ran off, now fix them then bring them back". Of course, I wouldn't do that. Their time with him just causes more problems. They miss him but when they come home from a weekend with him, it starts the whole cycle over.

We have started counseling, mostly for OD but the counselor does talk to YD a little. We just really spends hours and hours a week talking about our feelings. The girls fight among themselves alot more than they used to. It is constant refereeing on my part. It is hard, but we are still plugging along.

Add the holidays, the adult lonliness, the financial worries, sheesh.... it is a mess sometimes.

Totally unacceptable.....Why not? How long has he not been paying?

Sorry for your struggles.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As long as we all don't have bad days at the same time, I think we'll be okay. I had my down-in-the-dumps day earlier this week. It's so hard being everything to everybody.

Your WH is going to have a lovely surprise at mediation. There's going to be a judge out there saying "Hum, ablebodied young man, why are you not supporting your family? Jerkhead, get a job!"

I agree about a parent/child forum. This infidelity/divorce thing is hard on kids. This from the woman whose WH didn't even call his kids to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving, let alone visit them.

My WH didn't call for Thanksgiving either. I would have been shocked if he had. I thought about having the kids call him, but then they would have realized they miss him and it would have caused funkiness. So he was never mentioned. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I know. It's not worth mentioning WH to his kids. They don't seem to miss him. It's not our place to be the conscience who reminds the WS call. Some days, I think this is better than fighting over who gets whom when.

We had a great thanksgiving anyway. And didn't have to worry about Wh sulking because he was missing some football game or didn't like the company.

Sorry for the threadjack......

dinky,

If your WH isn't paying a dime then you need to get a legal document and action going to MAKE him pay.I don't know what state you live in but where I am,a parent cannot just abandon his kids without some serious consequences.For example,if your WH says,"I can't find a job" then a judge might give him 3 months to secure one and if he fails then he may risk jail time.Another scenario is if the spouse stops working against his capabilites.You can't make $200,000 a year and then start working at McDonalds and expect there not to be consequences.

In some states it can be hard to get financial support from a WS or any parent that is trying to avoid financial obligations but it's worth fighting for,however you go about it.

Sorry that you are feeling down.I can sympathize with how stressful that is.It's bad enough these WS's cheat on us but then to abandon their kids and basically pull out of life altogether and avoid responsibilities is just SICK.They need a major reality check. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

O

My story is long. I started on loveshack 12/04. Long story short. Stbxh flaked out. Moved out, started dating while taking me to MC. Quit his job. Blamed me for all things wrong in his world. He still would if I would let him.

He became self employed around July 05. He hasn't given me a penny since about June. He started a 2nd job about 2 weeks ago. Get this, working in a bar. Completely out of character for the man who used to inhabit his body.

This is one of those days that I feel like I can't keep doing this. It's too hard. I feel like a failure. This is the only place I can go and feel unjudged and accepted.

I'm in counseling. I've read so many self help books I could write one. People tell me how strong I am but today I feel so lost.

I do appreciate hearing from other BS's. I don't have any friends who've been through this.

I'm premenstrual, that's probably the biggest problem. When the child support starts coming I know life will be easier for me. I work 2 part time jobs. I haven't worked full time in 15 years. I was always the primary care giver for our boys because my stbxh never wanted to be put out. If I could go back in time, boy would my choices be different.

When my stbxh started wigging out, one of his demands was that I get a job with benefits. I did. I got a part time job with UPS because you get full time benefits with part time hours. I thought we would work things out in MC. What a joke. Bad choice of MC. That's a different story. It really doesn't matter because the H never told the truth anyway.

So basically I work evenings at UPS. My MIL helps with the boys. Their dad used to help a tiny bit but now the part time bar job takes him away. He's living his dreams I guess.

I've got a couple of applications in for 8-5 jobs. My youngest son has mild cerebral palsy and gets occupational therapy twice a month. He functions really well. You would never know he has CP.

Anyway, feeling completely overwhelmed and lonely and sad and like "where did I go wrong" !!!!

Thanks for listening and telling me I'm not alone.

Dinky

We haven't been to court yet. Mediation is 12/9. I hope that starts the child support. I guess he doesn't pay because he is a total and complete jerk and excuse for a man. ? ? ?

I hear ya.In my case,my WH makes a huge salary but,he just can't KEEP a job.Why? Because A)he is out with homewrecker and ignoring his responsibilities and/or B)he has "creative differences" with people and then he either leaves or gets fired.Mostly he has been fired since the A began.Too preoccupied with trash and it was obvious to the companies he worked for. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

On one particulary maddening day I told him he was a failure as a husband,father,friend and a lover.I am sure he never forgot that but I was fed up with his excuse for a life and putting me,the kids,two families and friends through he** just so he could be with the homewrecking trash.It was all true as far as I was concerned.His life went right in the toilet after he met that wretched woman.

No dinky,you are most definitely not alone on that road.Hang in there! {{{Hugs}}}

O