Edited cause really - I got it all out - and all of this doesn't help me - it hinders me... thanks for those who read <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dorry,
I am sorry you are having a rough time, and I take interest in your situation because I was also the WS first and now my H is. I don't have words of wisdom because you are further in this journey than I am.

But I also struggle with whether my Hs affair is my fault since I broke the bond first. And I am not sure that it is. But our A's were separated by three years, so much had changed in that time. But I do know that my H did not cause my A, so I can't believe that I caused H's A. I had a ton of tools I could have used to avoid adultery and I did not use them. I believe my H also had tools he did not choose to use.

I don't know anything, but I appreciate your sharing your experience. I wish the best for you and your family.

Dorry,

Two quick things...as I think you really do know the answer to your questions.

First, while your decisions before and during the affair caused hurt to you and your husband, his abandonment and affair had NOTHING to do with you. I was abandoned...my wife had an affair. She tried to replace me. I did not have an affair! While your husband and I had the exact same thing happening to us and had the same feelings, the way we dealt with it was entirely different. I suspect that it is your husband that needs to look inside to see what it was inside him that failed him, that allowed him to abandon his family and have an affair. And I will repeat it again...his decision to leave and to hook up with another woman had NOTHING to do with you.

Now, your decisions do have to do with you. And you are right, they did cause you much pain...and a long fall. They caused your husband much pain. Your decisions led you away from God's standard. You and I both know all of this.

But I have told you over and over...you are not Wayward-Wife-Dorry now. You have repented, and have been forgiven. You are justified ("just-if-I'd never sinned"). You are now Christ-in-Dorry. That is a much different creature!

For either you or your husband to paint the actions of Wayward-Wife-Dorry onto Christ-in-Dorry is a slap in the face to Christ. His blood is sufficient! When you bring this up, Christ says "What adultery? I threw that as far away as the east is from the west. I see no adulteress. I see my daughter Dorry...the one I love."

You two are arguing about two people that are dead and buried. Why? Why dig up the dead...they always stink when you do.

I just had this conversation with my wife the other night. She wanted to rehash some ancient history crap. N oway I was gonna allow that! I cut in and said "If you are trying to paint me with the past, you can save your breath. I am Christ-in-Mortarman. I have repented of my shortcomings. I have been forgiven by Christ. I deserve and demand the respect that I am due as someone who has been justified by Christ." That ended that very quickly.

To continue to bring up this stuff is to show disrespect to each other, to yourselves, and to Christ. Even Dr. Harley states that he doesnt do much with past history when counseling, as it does nothing but bring up resentment. The idea is to concentrate on today and the future...the two things you CAN do something about.

If I had you both in the same room right now, I'd bend both of you over my knee and give you both the butt-whoppin that you deserve right now. Both of you stop this mess! It serves no good to beat yourselves, or each other over something you cannot do anything about.

It is good you posted. Your husband should be coming here again also, as he might be able to work thru this crap without unloading on you.

Okay, I am putting my 2x4 down before I hurt myself.

In His arms.

Thanks MM - you are right. I struggle with the blame because in one breath he will tell me it has nothing to do with me that he wasn't trying to replace me, and in the same breath he will tell me it is because I had destroyed who he was and he wanted to replace himself because of how I destroyed him...isn't that the same thing as having to do with me?

It's hard to bear so much weight and blame - and I am guilty of bearing it and not giving it to Christ...after talking to my Dad and reading your post - i feel better - i talked to God about it. It is the past - it is.

ALl I can be is a Godly wife and keep praying for my husband. Whether this has nothing to do with me, or alot to do with me - I have to let him sort out what's happening in his life right now...and just be his wife and friend...

Recovery is rollar coaster right? And we have seemed to be on an uphill for a bit...getting somewhere - but I wonder if he has just been pretending it's been better...once again overthinking. It's in God's hands, not mine.

You know, he wanted you two to not post here, as he thought it was better for your relationship. But, I know I found this site irreplacable in the middle of my mess. You see, I could have easily ended up in my own affair (and was heading down that road). If I had not had so many people on here beat me hard with a 2x4, I might have crossed that line. Your husband really needs something like that, whether he will admit it or not.

You keep hedging on this thing of any of his actions having to do with you. Dorry, you are going to have to forgive yourself and believe who you REALLY are. How in the world is your husband going to believe it, when you dont quite believe it yourself? Know who you are!! Know it.

Every time one of these thoughts comes into your mind...or every time your husband wants to pin you with this mess, you just stand back for a minute and ask yourself "Is that me? Is that really who I am? If Christ spoke in this room right now, would that be who he would say I am?"

And then demand respect. If your husband is wrestling with the emotions of the past, and the things that happened in the past, then you can help him. But you cannot, nor should you, take the blame for his actions. Not one action he took had ANYTHING to do with you!

Now, are you going to believe God...or believe the lies of Satan?

In His arms.

Dorry,

I didn't get the chance to read your initial post, which is fine. I just wanted to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs to you,

Froz

I do get to that place...but it's almost like when I am at that place - I am not allowed to be - that it bugs my H...when I finally feel I have a right to talk about how I feel...then it gets crushed because i still don't have a right...it's never about what has been done to me, and always about what I have done to others...and I allowit to be...then when I get to a place where I am confident in ME, Christ-in-Dorry...and feel good about mysefl, but am sad about something - i want to discuss it I feel it is okay to express myself...and I get shot down for it.

On a higher note - H and I just talked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> he said he felt bad for last night and that he said more than he meant to and things he didn't mean...and that he loves me very much.

When he is like that (last night) it can set me back. But luckily I have great friends who hold me accountable and keep me progressing and remind me who I am now and not who I was...

Froz - thanks so much - it means alot to me.. You are in my thoughts and prayers alot too.

Things are okay here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just a blow out last night - lots of hurt feelings...lots of personal struggles that overlap...

And this will happen for awhile. Less so as time goes on.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Dorry,

I'm sorry about the blowout. I'm glad to hear things have smoothed over a little.

Boy, can I relate to the statement you made about personal struggles overlapping!!!

Sometimes it feels like Patriot and I each brought so much baggage into our M and it is constantly overlapping! Oddly (or maybe not), the coping mechanisms and behaviors that
we each developed in dealing with our pasts seem to overlap and often just FEED off of the other's. It definitely makes things more difficult.

I hope you and Sprint and the girls are doing well, all things aside.

Dorry, picking up on something that MM said earlier about your husband needing to "look within," we ALL need to do that because the "blame game," the attempt to "shift responsibility" for OUR choices goes all the way back to Adam and Eve.

Adam tried to blame Eve, "the woman gave it to me to eat" (as if HE didn't have the 'right and definitive word on the culinary menu' straight from God Himself); Eve tried to blame Satan, "but he SAID so.....".

Satan TEMPTS....we CHOOSE. "Free Will" that we tout when it's "To our advantage" is something we seem to "forget" when it comes to responsibility for our own choices and we seek to blame someone else "as if" they found us a partner to commit adultery with and then forced us to choose the sin rather than obedience to God's command.

It's "human nature," Dorry. It's the same "human nature" that we "fight" all of our days, no different than Paul struggled with it. Yet we DO have Free Will. God GAVE us that ability to CHOOSE. As God has admonished us, and as the old zen buddhist philosophy goes...."choose wisely, Grasshopper."

Something for all of us to think about. What WOULD Jesus do if he were faced with the temptations....and what SHOULD we do if Jesus was physically with us 24/7?

God bless....and keep "working it out" and know that God WILL use ALL the circumstances in our lives to mold and shape good for our present and future lives IF we humbly submit to Him and CHOOSE obedience, especially when we are tempted.

Well said FH.This is how I try to think each and every day.It sure feels right and it keeps me out of trouble. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

O