Hello all,
I would like to solicit some feedback about an issue that I am having. I'm not really comfortable discussing this with any local friends, so I turned here. I'm 34 (almost 35) years old, and have been married for 13 years. My wife and I got married very young for no other reason than that we were in love. We have two young boys, ages 3 and 1. Over the past 13 years, I have been completely faithful, and I believe that my wife has as well. We have been lucky to become financially stable and successful, and my wife stays at home with the kids.

When we were married, I was under no illusion about the fact that she had had prior lovers. She was always up front about this and insinuated that the number was very small. We had this conversation many years ago, and the topic has rarely come up since.

However, this past week, while clearing some old boxes from our basement in preparation for the addition of a room to our house, I came across quite a disturbing letter. Actually, it was a piece of paper which had fallen out of a diary and was, obviously, not for my eyes. Regardless, the letter was in a box with some of my items, so I read the letter. Unfortunately, I was deeply disturbed by the contents. In the letter, my wife mentioned her 20+ lovers, the well-endowed characteristics of a Frenchman she used to date, and the inadequacies of my lovemaking compared to others. This diary entry was written shortly after we were married back in 1992.

Obviously, this letter really hurt me, but my wife claims to not have even remembered its existence. Additionally, she disavows the content with the exception of the amount of previous lovers she had. Strangely, reading this made me want to love her more, but she seems disinterested.

Should I be as upset as I have been about this discovery? Obviously, the contents of the letter were written ages ago, so it's not exactly up to date. Until the discovery of this info, my wife and I have been blessed with a wonderful relationship. We have been true partners in virtually everything and we still have sex like a newly married couple. Additionally, I love her more than it should be possible to love another. Regardless, I can't get the vision of my wife with that many lovers out of my head. I'm also really upset about being compared unfavorably to others. I've considered three options: 1)marriage counseling 2)working through it ourselves 3)separation and possibly divorce, although this is not desired by either party. I would appreciate any helpful feedback or comments.

Thanks,
BondTrader

I am so sorry you're hurting!! There is another option....."letting go" of your own insecurities and allowing your marriage to be the blessed one it always has been. I understand this discovery hurt you....but you now have a choice about whether it continues to hurt you or whether you can put it into the real perspective of your marriage. That letter represents one little vignette, on one day....you have years of happiness to weigh against it. Why give more weight or power than it deserves??? Your wife has been faithful. She loves you. This isn't a marriage problem, it's a personal problem....yours.

I've come to the conclusion that nothing good can be gained from finding out someone's sexual history. I think the only question worth asking is if they have ever cheated on someone. While I find it morally wrong to have slept with lots of people in their past, people are not necessarily today what they were 10 years ago. Just because a girl was promiscuous in her teens doesn't mean she doesn't have better values now.

I think the one thing that you have the right to be mad at your wife for is her comparing you to previous lovers after you were married. While one should have the freedom to think what they want and even fantacise at times, I think that it is morally wrong to let your mind run with memories of the past when you know that you are in a comitted relationship and that such thoughts are deeply hurtful to your new partner.

I think the difference between and ok goes something like this... "You enter a restaurant and a tank of lobsters reminds of when you and an ex had a good lobster dinner" and the thought ends there vs willfully going over the details of that night and reminding yourself what a fun girl your ex was and then remembering what it felt like kissing her and sleeping with her. In the second, you are feeding the thoughts. In the first, they just come to you and you release the thought as the past. It sounds to me like your wife was engaging in behavior that she was feeding inappropriate thoughts. For this, I think you have the right to be disappointed and angry.

But as for the number of lovers she had, I think you should try to let go of the pain of that as soon as possible and get over it.

I don't know if you are a Christian or not but the Bible talks about how our sins have consequences. One of the consequences of promiscuity is that you will compare one lover against the other and it will cause hurt for the person being compared. Hopefully your wife understands this and has a repenting heart for the complications and pain she caused herself and you with her promiscuity.

Look, bondtrader, people have sexual histories before they get married. It would be naïve to think that they do not.

She sowed her wild oat. It is out of her system. She knew that it was time to move on, to settle down. She chose you, and not some French guy. She obviously loves you.

It was very brave of her to come clean about her past. From your posting it does not sound like you have any other marriage problems. She sounds like an honest, great W.

Are you seriously considering divorcing her, not seeing your beautiful kids for days on end, because of this? Because of something that had NOTHING to do with you? Yes, I understand you hurt, and I am not making light of it, but she did nothing wrong to you.

Hey, star*fish, am I right on this?

Are people who get it out of their systems better spouses, then people who never had much sexual experience? Or other way around? Or does it make any difference? What's the p value if it does?

Thanks!

Hi, I don't really have any advice but am interested in seeing what others have to say about your post. My H & I have been married for 15 yrs. My H past as well bothers me. He had several partners before me & I believe may have been unfaithful during our courtship however he has always denied that. We were young when we met and married, I never asked very many questions about his past. I have always had it in the back of my mind and have never really brought it up until recently, Our daughter is 13 and goes to the same jr high as my H did. We live in the same house he grew up in. I fear all the time he is going to run into someone from his past. I have asked him some questions about his past and he just gets upset and says why bring up the past, he says he regrets his past, doesnt remember from 20 years ago. I do agree we shouldn't dwell on the past and that everyone has a past but even though I pray about it all the time it still seems to creep into my mind and I cant help but think about it. So again I am interested in hearing from others.

AG,

"To sow, or not to sow...that is the question." hehehehehehe

So far I don't think there has been any research I know of that shows a positive or negative correlation between sexual experimentation in youth and success in marriage. Let me know if you find one!! LOL However, there seems to be indications that similarities (in sexual histories among other factors) causes less conflict. So my question to this husband might be "How does this compare to your sexual history?" Is this a double standard....if so, is that her problem or yours?

I appreciate all of the replies. They have been helpful. Life has not been good around my home over the holiday. There was constant tension, and argument, all over this issue. To address the poster who wanted to know about my past, yes, it is similar to hers although not as varied and numereous. And, yes, I am a practicing Catholic, although I have only become serious since my early 20's. Far from regretting her past, my wife only claims that these experiences made her what she is. I understand that line of reasoning, but I don't know if I like what those experiences made. She says that I am ridiculous to be my age and expect a reasonable amount of purity in a woman (and at least not discussing these things after our marriage), but I don't know if that is true. Of course, I'm still completely confused as to what my course of action should be. I love her, but have been deeply hurt, and carrying on would be difficult.

Again, thanks to everyone for the replies.

BondTrader

I guess I'm not sure what you're conflicted about.

The prior lovers? You said you knew about it. So you can't go re-writing history and say that now it's a problem.

Does the fact that there were so many (and "so many", wrt 20 is a relative term), make you think that somehow it is affecting the "QUANTITY" of love that she can have for you now?

Are you saying that the marraige is perfect, no lovebusters, no AO's, nothing, except this quarrel over 20 or 2? Because I find that quite hard to believe.

I agree with your assessment that you need some IC. Your W may need some coaching in perhaps responding to you in a way that doesn't hurt your feelings.

And yes, I can relate, you and I are in very similar marital situations.

I'm very sorry to hear that she's unrepentant.

Brainstorming my own past, I do know that it was fun having lovers before my wife and to have grown up with absolutely no sex would have been very unsatisfying and difficult. But now that I am married I do feel remourse. Not that I would necessarily do things different but I am remourceful for the situation and feelings and pain my history creates for her... partly because I know I feel a pain about her history. If it were possible to have met my wife at 16 and she had been my only lover my whole life, I'd do it in a heart-beat.

Your wife says it "makes her who she is today" but not all of life's lessons have to be learned the hard way. I can learn not to touch the oven burner without getting 3rd degree burns from laying my hand down on top of it. So the whole "I would do it again because it taught me a lot of things" is not a justification in my book. At the very least, she needs to be repentent that her history caused her to think on and compare you against previous lovers once you were married. The past is something you can't change but I do think it's important that someone who has grown up can look back on their past and say "you know... that was a mistake". It helps show they have turned a new leaf and are not the same person anymore.

I don't suggest blowing this out of proportion but I do think it's fair for you to let her know there is a problem till she apologizes for comparing you against previous lovers. If she says "It's normal to compare; I couldn't help but remember" then that's when you say "That's why having lovers before marriage is a bad thing; if you would like, you can apologize for that. OR you can simply apologize for allowing yourself to run with the idea... I'll accept either apology". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />