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I work days and my (hopefully former) WH works Second shift from 4 pm - 12 am. Consequently, his nights off are the only nights I have relief from my usual duties as a parent (entertainment, dinner, bath, bedtime) so I really look forward to those nights for support. Fairly often, FWH will say "So-and-so would like to do such and such tomorrow night" or "I would like to do such and such with so and so tomorrow night" on one of his nights off, and "do you care if I go?" How do I answer this? Of course I would prefer that he stay home with us, but I also don't want to LB by restricting his time off. I am inclined to say "I would prefer to spend time together as a family, but I think it is up to you to decide how to spend your time off." What do you think? This comes up alot! Thanks - Stung
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Joined: Sep 2003
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You both have very bad hours for a marriage. I suggest you try to both work the same shift.
In the meantime, try to get a sitter, and plan ahead for date nites together.
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Joined: Oct 2000
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please try looking at my thread "harley is a smart man"
this is a POJA moment ... I like Believer's idea .. go out together ... if you are going to recover and stay in love with each other your marriage must be nurtured and well tended...
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Joined: Jun 2005
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Thanks for replying, Believer! You both have very bad hours for a marriage. I suggest you try to both work the same shift. Truer words were never spoken. I can't change my shift because of the work that I do, and he won't. The good news is . . . I heard OW #2, with whom he works, is changing her shift! In the meantime, try to get a sitter, and plan ahead for date nites together. I don't think he's interested in dates! After all, he is not interested in SF (with me, anyway) and he told me recently that he wants a D! Although we haven't talked about it, I think he's sticking around only because of DD. Stung
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Joined: Jun 2005
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please try looking at my thread "harley is a smart man"
this is a POJA moment ... I like Believer's idea .. go out together ... if you are going to recover and stay in love with each other your marriage must be nurtured and well tended... Thanks Pep - I'm sure I've read it, since I read ALL of your posts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> but I will find it and re-read it - Stung
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Joined: Oct 2005
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Boy can I relate to how horrible those hours are for a marriage because that is our current schedule as well. WS is going on days late winter or early spring. They either give it to him or he quits. It makes it VERY hard to meet needs (thought I have found ways to do some of it), spend time, work on the relationship. However, WS does not ever ask to go anywhere on his rare nights off (he works most weekends lately) because he is so exhausted. I would definately work on the POJA for this problem.
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I would definately work on the POJA for this problem. Thanks 1961. Trouble is, he is very accommodating about watching DD if I need to do errands on MY days off, but we still spend precious little time together as a family (one of MY ENs). I just don't know how to respond when he asks if I mind if he goes out on his night(s) off . . .
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Joined: Sep 2003
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Well, somehow I would give it a good try to get him to do something with you. Can you get tickets to something that he really likes - football, etc?
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It's kinda sad, but I actually feel shy about asking him "out." What if he turns me down?
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Joined: Jan 2005
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I completely agree that working different shifts is horrible for family life. To me it would seem that his answers and attitudes will tell you a lot about where your marriage is. Can you find something you both like to do together? Does he know that family time is a high EN for you?
You should make it know that WH's doing things with you is a very high priority. Has he ever tried graveyard shift? Swing is the absolute worst.
Grapes are versatile. Grapes can be sour, sweet, sublime as wine and fabulous even when old and dried out.
Me: BS
XCH: Clueless
2-DS: Bigger than me
1-DD: Now also bigger than me!
5/6: Personally served CH with divorce papers
6/6: CH F? wants to time to see if M can be saved
7/6: FCH reenters our lives to work on marriage but secretly signs papers to start divorce...what's that about?
Mediation set for November
Final dissolution in January 2007.
2008 and beyond: Life goes on...
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I think the general idea here is to invite him to do something that he would really like. If he says no, then you go do it, and let him babysit.
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Does he know that family time is a high EN for you?
You should make it know that WH's doing things with you is a very high priority. Yep. He thinks it's a "waste of time" for us both to be home together with DD, so he encourages me to go out when we're home together and if I don't, he does. Even before DD was born, I felt like I was living with a roommate, because he's always had too many irons in the fire ...
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I think the general idea here is to invite him to do something that he would really like. If he says no, then you go do it, and let him babysit. Part of the problem is ... our DD has a compromised immune system. WH's idea of babysitting is taking her to Sears, McDonald's, the supermarket, anywhere you can imagine germs are likely to lurk. So it terrifies me to leave her with him for any period of time.
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Of course I would prefer that he stay home with us, but I also don't want to LB by restricting his time off. I am inclined to say "I would prefer to spend time together as a family, but I think it is up to you to decide how to spend your time off." What do you think? This comes up alot! Thanks - Stung My WH also had less than ideal hours, weekends and a lot of OT. I used to feel like you, that I'd rather he be home but the choice needs to be his. I didn't want to tell him what to do and have him turn around and claim to be henpecked. In hindsight I see this as the beginning of our downfall. Give an inch and they take a mile. It seemed harmless enough, but little by little there was less and less time for us and the family. I think he needed me to establish the boundaries and if I had to do it over again, I'd put my foot down. What really irks me is that we've been together 23 years. He moves out and gets a new job: M-F days, no weekends & no OT. Who reaps these benefits? OW of course. And I'm the one who paid the dues.
Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
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This quote just popped into my head from an old football movie called Brian's Song. It was about a football player dying from some disease. I was probably a teenager when I watched it but the quote still sticks out in my mind.
"God is first, my family is second, and I am third."
If only we all thought that way.
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He moves out and gets a new job: M-F days, no weekends & no OT. Who reaps these benefits? OW of course. And I'm the one who paid the dues. I can see this coming in my future too! Thanks for the advice, Shattered! I will start working on finding a babysitter and think of some fun things to do.
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