How do I handle it when my 8 year old daughter tells me AND her dad how much she dislikes the woman her dad left us for and moved in with? My STBX just blows it off and does nothing about it and I try to tell her that she's entitled to her opinion BUT this is who daddy has chosen and she needs to accept her as best as she can. This woman is a very gruff woman...there isn't much about her that's very feminine. She has two boys and is very boy-like herself. Talks gruff, acts gruff, has hair growing out of her chin...LOL sorry but it's the truth and keeps her hair short and permed. She's VERY unlike me. I'm somewhat a girly girly...my hair is always done and nails are always done. I'm not high maintenance...I would have no problem riding 4 wheelers and getting dirty while playing but yet I enjoy being a girl! My daughter and I spend alot of time playing with her hair and playing with makeup, painting her nails...blah blah blah and this woman couldn't put my daughters hair in a ponytail if her life depended on it. So how do I get my daughter to accept her. Apparently her father has also told her several times that this woman will be her step mother someday which completely threw my daugther into a tizzy. The OW likes to say smart comments in the background whenever our daughter is talking to him or I am talking to him on the phone. For example say my daughter calls her dad and asks him for something or to do something and he tells her no and my daughter will start crying...The OW will be in the background telling the STBX that "she doesn't need to call you acting like that and crying like that" My daughter hears this stuff and when I call him on it later and tell him he needs to deal with the OW and let her know that our daughter isn't her concern it turns into a fight between us because he can't see how that hurts our daughter by having the OW spouting off in the background. HELP!!

Thanks!

I don't see anything you can do more than you already have.
We like it or (of course) not, but he's her father and she has to accept his choices, the same as he has to accept hers once she's big enough to make major decisions for herself.


Don't get her. Let her. To accept or not, just to be on her own.
You just give her support; she has rights on her own opinion, and now that she's 8 some choices too.

tell her there are many, many, many different types of people in the world. . . some you will like, some you won't, some will be like you some will be totally opposite, some will be somewhere in the middle. . . you can learn something from everyone if you keep an open mind, even if its what you don't like or what not to do.

however, one behavior that you need to learn is to be respectful to everyone. . . BUT when some people behave in a way that you don't like, then you don't have to stay around them, you can go to your room, you can find something else to do. . .

right now, you have to teach tolerance and coping skills, respect and observation, and how to deal with difficult people, even if you love them. . .

these situations suck,
but if you can teach from a neutral perspective, with the goal of respect and learning coping skillz, she will be so much more advanced when it comes time to date. .

wiftty

then upon further thought, i need to add, get both kids to counseling, if and when possible. . . first, because your H sounds like a mid life crises, and that is partially a learned behavior. . .

second, you might be able to use any results to limit time legally, for awhile.

third, you might get some good coping examples and strategies to use.

good luck

wiftty

Thank you both so much!! I really appreciate your words of wisdom!

Hugs!!

A few things that are very important to your daughter at that tender age:

- don't yell or argue with your ex around her (she will take responsibility for it).

- don't berate the ex's g/f around her... in fact, emphasize her good qualities (if she has any), and explain in a non-judgmental way any differences you may have.

- remind her daily with actions, and simple words, that you are not going anywhere, that you will always be her Mom, and you will always be there for her.... always.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Good luck.

Mostly, I just lurk now, but used to be a frequent poster... Anyway, your post caught my attention and speaking from experience (the "learned the hard way" kind of experience at that), you need to stay away from this as much as possible. My daughter also disliked the OW, now the wife, very much and was very verbal about it. Looking back, I believe that she picked up on my feelings and ran with them. The OW/current wife, is obviously here to stay, and though I never thought I would admit it, she is GOOD to my children! Once I REALLY moved on and accepted that this woman was a part of my children's lives, my daughter did the same. AND the more I moved on and attained peace with the situation, the better my daughter did! Speaking from a "been there, done that" standpoint, the less you say verbally and nonverbally now, the less crow you have to eat later and most importantly, the better your child will adjust to this woman in her life. My daughter is just a year older than yours now. Keep in mind though, that I am almost five years out, so I KNOW how you feel!

Thank you!!

I know that she picks up from my distaste..what makes it especially hard is the OW used to be one of my best friends and her children used to basically live at my house and now there is so much tension between everyone that it really makes it hard.

AGE,
Sounds like an AWFUL situation! I feel for ya.
Now, I'm coming at this from a different viewpoint, and I really think you are getting some FANTASTIC feedback here.
If this gal used to be one of your best friends, then at some point you liked her and enjoyed your differences. THAT'S what you need to focus on. It isn't fair at all!
However, I look at myself and being around guys with kids. I LOVE kids, it just never came to be that I had my own. This woman can maybe fill in and make your daughter a more rounded individual. She will "get" the "opportunity" to see how different we women can be. Some of us are girly, some of us are more like tomboys, and some are both!
I would just say, as hard as it would be for me, to remember those qualities that made her a good friend and point those out to your daughter. You can and will have your own opinion about OW, but let DD formulate her own.
Take the high road and be the bigger person....THAT'S what your daughter will learn from YOU!! That even though you've been hurt, and it's evidently right in your face, that you have self-control and acceptance. That will help her most in life, and that's what it's about isn't it, what's best for your daughter. You already know you can't change XH, but you CAN control your reactions!

You sound like a good mommy. Hang in there!!!

No one has a right to tell the child that she has to accept anything, and to encourage her to accept that which is clearly morally wrong is irresponsible. Would you encourage her to "accept" a morally corrupt aunt-by-marriage? I doubt it. She might have to endure her company, but asking her to do more than that is wrong.