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#1528455 11/26/05 09:07 AM
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My husband and I've only been married for 5 months. We got married quickly b/c we're both in the military. Now we're about 2 1/2 hours for his home town. We're still learning a lot about each other and recently I've found out that he has many female friends from his past. Growing up he made more lasting female friends than male friends. Us living close to those females makes me feel very insecure, even though he hasn't even been around them yet. A couple of them have called to congratulate him on getting married. He's never given me any reason not to trust him so I don't know why this is so hard for me. Men in my past have broken my trust so it's always been hard for me to trust most men. When I married my husband I felt like I could trust him no matter what and I'm 95% sure he's never cheat on me, so what's wrong with me? Could it be a fear that he could find someone better and divorce me? I feel bad that I have these feelings b/c he says it really hurts him to think that I don't trust him. I really think it has more to do with my own insecurities than trust...what do you think?

JenDunn #1528456 11/26/05 10:26 AM
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First of all Congrats on your marrage! I'm a newly wed too. My wife is in your boat, I have many many friends and 95% of them are women. I know I would never do anything with anyone else. Marrage is a very powerfull thing and even though we got married she doesn't like the fact that Most of my friends are/were women. I don't see almost any of them anymore because I know it's something she doesn't like and well My Wife is My best friend. I wouldn't worry too much about it, I'd be the same way if She had nothing but guy friends.

imsowitty #1528457 11/28/05 04:51 PM
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We all adapt to new rules for different stages of our life. When you were 3, it was ok to run around outside naken. By the age of 10, it was clearly wrong behavior. At age 17 it's alright to live with your parents, at age 30 maybe that's not such a healthy thing to do. I feel the same way about being friends with the opposite sex once you are married.

While it's probably true that your husband could create more meaningful deep friendships with girls over guys, it does place him at higher risk for an affair and it does make you worry. In a sense, they are conflicting forces. The purpose of a friend is to become really close and share and lean on each-other and to have fun. But if you were to do that too much, it turns into an emotional affair. At some point, the friend is filling something that the wife is not or maybe the husband even finds a comfort in the friend that he can not have with his wife. Life is complicated enough without adding to it with such complications and grief.

I do think the cleanest thing to do is for guys to only have guy friends once they are married and women do the same.

slimjim #1528458 11/29/05 04:03 PM
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Thank you both for your replies. More to add about the situation. Everytime I try to talk to him about it and explain why I feel they way I do he says he doesn't want to talk about it and that it's stupid. It's b/c he keeps thinking all I'm saying is that I think he could cheap on me someday. We're both 25 and this is his 1st marriage (my 2nd) so maybe b/c I've had more experience with things like compromising with your spouse. So far he hasn't been around any of these friends (expect once when he 1st got back-all his friends, girls and guy, got together) but I just feel the need to talk with him a let him know what would make me uncomfortable in the futer. Before he could see them whenever and where ever he wanted. Now that we're married I think it would be inappropriate for him to be ALONE with his female friends. One lives down the street and wants to come visit him now that he's back in the area. I wanted him to know that I would feel very uncomforable if she were to come to our place when I'm not there. He felt again, like it was a about trust. I just want him to know that it's more than that. It's also about repect and my feeling. He always cuts me off and won't talk before I can explain all this...should I write him a letter since he wont talk about?

JenDunn #1528459 11/29/05 05:14 PM
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As I'm sure you are aware, he's coming from the point of view that you are trying to control him or that it's your insecurity and problem to take care of. There is a smidgen of truth in that but he also has to see the bigger picture at the same time and not live his life cavalierly because all it takes is one time to mess up and it's a mistake you can't undo.

On a side note, when debating with him, please do not bring up that you have more experience due to a past marriage. As true as it might be, my wife does that to me because she was in a serious relationship before ours and I tell you, it accomplishes NOTHING. I don't think of her as more experienced in relationships. I think her ex spoiled her for one. My point is, no need saying something that does nothing but anger him and makes you sound like a know it all.

If I were you, I'd approach it with an open mind and suggest to him that you guys should try and interview other married couples as to what their views are. If a majority say that friends of the opposite sex are dangerous, then maybe that's something to that, right? I would think he would be tempted to think it over if a lot people say it's a danger. If the response is overwhelmingly "it's not a problem", then you have to be willing to work with that result too. Essentially, let other people give you input and let the result be a catalist for you or him to rethink your ideas. Deciding together ahead of time that you will work with whatever result is helps take some of the "conspiracy" and sting out of it compared to coming from you.

I'd give it a week & half and write him a letter if he won't talk to you about it.


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