I am planning to move out. I haven’t discussed it with my husband yet as I am trying to get a few things in order before I do it.
Why? Because I need some space. I am really tired of feeling like my needs, wants, desires don’t matter to him. But most of all, because I need to know my FEELINGS matter. That if I tell him something makes me mad, he doesn’t laugh and say, I wouldn’t let that wreck your day….mind you it was something he said/did that hurt me. So, to further insult me by saying it’s not a big deal, well, what can I say. (What I did say was, “I think you’re an [censored]”. And when he laughed again I said “And every time you open your mouth you prove it”. He thought I was kidding. I wasn’t.
We have been under a lot of stress, H’s brother and niece have been here a lot as their wife/mom (our SIL) left them abrubtly early this summer. It has been very difficult for BIL as the process works it’s way out. He is under tremendous stress with balancing raising his D (18 yr old, HS senior), his business and an impending divorce battle. I don’t want this situation to be any different, I enjoy having them around, but it does add to our stress as he goes through this.
We are also having financial stress, as always, and trying to solve some of those problems but it is very slow. I get really angry about it as I see how to fix it but it is going to take time. I also get angry at H for the way he handles some things and doesn’t follow through with others.
I could give lots of examples but I am not wanting to bash H right now. I just want to focus on me for a minute. What do I need? I need some peace for awhile. I need to be alone to make some decisions. I am getting excited about it too. We have a guest house next door and I am making plans as to what I need. Mentally making notes about what I want to take over there and what I will need to buy. I have even fantasized about remodeling this and that. But, it will have to wait due to money mainly, but also, this is a temporary thing. Just to get a clear head and see if H is willing to step up to the plate.
H has had 3 A’s in our 24 year marriage. It has been incredibly painful and I don’t feel like I am getting over the last one, even after 4 years. I have tried to do what it takes to meet his needs, but I get the same behavior from him. No real difference. He has not gone to counseling other than a few sessions with SH and then kind of throwing his hands up and asking what good is all this EN paperwork doing? What difference does it make if he likes blond hair (physical attractiveness ?’nairre), how’s that gonna help anything? That pretty much told me he wasn’t gonna continue that course. And, he is anti-counselor. So, at least he tried and he did like SH. But he is unwilling to keep going (last appt was a year ago in july).
I think I need to be able to make some real clear boundaries. For one, I want him to go to IC on his own. Trouble is, he doesn’t think he has a problem. I do. I am unwilling to meet his need for SF when he belittles me as in the example above. That is not an exception, that is typical of how he deals with my requests for conversation. Either no comment or like above. He won’t discuss anything with me.
Any help, suggestions, hugs, encouragement, challenges, etc, are welcome.
Thanks.
