My W and I have been separated for over a year now, Nov 4th was Dday and we have been talking the whole time.

She has been living with the OM since the day I kicked her out but we have never really stopped talking. I dont believe I did a truly wonderful plan A because of how hurt I have been, and continue to be, I get frustrated at her lies, which she still does constantly, and when I bring them up, she basicly says "whatever, its in your head", she tells me I let myself get worked up over nothing and that she has no reason to lie to me.

She moved out of the OMs house for about a month 2 months ago, then moved back in and told me they had an arrangement, as friends. They still sleep in the same bed, but plutonically, I dont believe that for a second. She said that he still cant know about us talking or spending time together because of some of the things that have gone on between us, and hes still in love with her.

I dont mean for this to get real long, but there is so much to the story over the last year and Im trying to be short.

I asked her about counseling and for the first time she said she would go, but I am still so mad at her about all these lies, and I find myself still getting so mad when we talk, when I hear about her spending time with him "as friends" when they are supposedly broke up, but they are doing "family" type things still. I still say things that get her mad. I dontn know, i guess Im rambling with no purpose here but, its exactly how I feel all the time. Confused, hurt, frustrated, and like all she does is lie to me, still. I want nothing more than to get back together, for some reason. I feel like if I walked away, she would be ok with that.

She tells me all the time she will never let herself be hurt like she was, and that if she starts to feel for someone, shes gone> That gives me no hope, nothing she does gives me hope and I feel like she will drag this out for as long as she can. She wont leave his house, she wont quit her job, and she wont find any way to spend time with me, but yet she cant let me go, and vice versa. I dont know what to do and I am so broke that I cant even afford the counseling. She has no idea how what shes doing is killing any chance for us, and when I bring it up she says if its to much for me to handle like it is, then I should walk away. I dont even know what more to write right now, im so tired of feeling this way and dealing with all this.

HOW DO YOU DO A GOOD PLAN A WHEN YOUR SO HURT AND FRUSTRATED ALL THE TIME??

Geez, every time you post you run off <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Hi ya, Steve! Stick around this time ok. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I bumped a thread by pep for ya the carrot and stick of plan A

So you do still want to save your M? I don't know that counseling will help while she is still living with OM. Have you called the Harleys?

Glad to see you back but sorry you are in the same sit.

How? U do it by working on you for you. The improvements are for you with or w/o your W. Also, don't expect the WS to like or trust your changes. Most of the WS call the changes good but temporary. That's babble, tell the WS these changes are good and permanent and if the WS can't see it, they are blind.

Your WS is living with the OM, when r u going t/b done with your plan A improvements? When r your financials going to be secured so the WS doensn't take all your $$?

Finish up, get with a good MC or better yet, call Jennifer @ MB and think seriously about plan B. Jennifer will help you.

take care,
L.

Thanks for the reply faithful, to answer your question, no, I havent called or talked to anybody because Im broke, but if I did have a million dollars Id throw it all at counseling if I had to and still be broke. Sry about the running off lol, thats exactly how my brain feels all the time. Thanks for the "pep" talk <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I always like reading his stuff.

I do want to save my marriage. From what she says tho, she can take it or leave it. If its to much for me, she says "sorry", I can give up. She said I have to ask myself if its worth it to me. I believe she wants to do whatever it is we do, on her terms. Its like as long as she can drag me out, then when it is comfortable for her, she will act. I dont know, its so hard to explain it all on these boards because of all the intricate details involved with this, I havent read anything from anyone that is going through what I have been, but I havent read everyones details either, but im sure others have, im not that naieve.

I would love to talk to Dr Harley, I "need" to talk to him. DO they ever do anything for anyone who just cant afford hundreds of dollars for couseling?

Ok, lets look carefully at this Steve. First look at Orchid's post. What do you need to change about you? What changes have you implemented ala plan A? It is time to kick your WW off the fence. Lay out for us what you have or need to change about yourself and the problems you brought to the M. Focus on YOU.

Then once you have made those changes (permanently)work toward plan B. I think your WW is a cake eater.

Alright Steve, lets get you a plan.

Ok, that was the carrot.. That was the stick.

She said that he still cant know about us talking or spending time together because of some of the things that have gone on between us, and hes still in love with her.

Hmmm...sounds like YOU are a secret that she has from him. Almost like YOU are the OM. It's quite possible that if he finds out about you and her, he will break up with her, and that's not what she wants. She wants you both.

So, whatcha gonna do? You going to accomodate her cake eating?

This is lunacy at the highest. I would find a way to let that OM know that you are still in the picture.

jmho
committed

I aggree, you are the OM at this point even though you are married. You need to expose to OM that you are still very much there, but also begin your Carrot part of Plan A also. Keep the stick too.

Well, Ive told thisn guy a few times now about "us". Shes got hiom wrapped to I guess because he doesnt believe a word I tell him. Everyone knows about them, theyve been together for a year now. They work together to, and that is ok by company policy. Grrrrr...... I think shes cake eating to.

Ok, I called thier house Saturday night and let it all out. It didnt do any good, except that I tried to get her to tell me again all things she said before, but this time, he was right there. When I asked her to say that "yes, they were not together etc"... She wouldnt do it, and got mad at me and called me a psycho, so there it confirmed all the lies I knew she had been telling. No surprise there. Anyway, I told her I was done because of her lies and all of the other things that have gone on, she was basicly laughing at me on the phone while I talked about this stuff because he was right there listening, you all were right about me being a doormat and letting this go on. I wont be doing that anymore, I love my ex dearly, but Im tired of feeling like I do because of her. I need to just stop talking to her and move on... I just wish I knew how, I cant even imagine being with another woman. Thanks for all your help, and Ill still stick around, maybe I can help someone else.

Steve, why not do a plan b before you plan D her?

Follower, because Im so tired.....

I certainly understand and your decision to make but since you seem to be still emotionally vested in your M plan B may allow you some peace. It is entirely up to you.