I am dating an amazing man.... really, he is an absolute gem. We have been together for over a year.

He is kind, supportive, charming, smart, funny...he is my best friend and I enjoy him every day.

But - I am not anxious to marry him. And I do want to be married, and I would like to have family. (I know my biological clock is ticking... I am 34.) My problem is... I can't tell if its him, us, or my baggage!!

I do love him, I repsect him, and I trust him.

I have been separated three years, divorced two. I believe my H cheated on my - not sure and dont care. We got divorced becaue he "just didnt love me anymore" And yes - I was heavily involved in MB throughout our separation and divorce - which is why I came back here now, becuase I always got such great advice!

My marriage ended against my wishes, and looking bak I held on way to hard for way to long. My self esteem was ridiculously low - and I was bending over backwards trying to appease my H while he was already out the door. I thought we had a good marriage - one that could be saved. But looking back - I was way to dependant on my H. I didnt want to do anything by myself - everything I did every D was for my H. Watever he wanted he got. I could not imagine doing anything on my own.

That was then....

NOW, there is nothing I like better than treating myself, by myself, to a nice dinner. I go to social networking events sans friends - because I someitmes like it better that way. I have found new interest and hobies, and I make plans to do what I want without needing approval.

So my BF - hpw does he fit it? Well, I do not feel dependant on him. Hmmm... is that a problem?! I am not sure?! I mean, I feel that a certain level of depedancy is good.

My friends say if he is "the one" then I would know. I dont know if thats true - I feel I am just being realistic. I mean, my past has kind of robbed me of "Happily Ever After" and just "knowing" he's the one.

I am very afraid I am holding on to something - to hard - again.

I welcome thoughts!

Have you dated any other men since your divorce? Maybe you feel there may be something even better out there?

Your partner sounds like a great guy and you did say you love him. You don't want to marry him though so why worry about marrying him? At 34 you have lots of time on your clock so see what happens... You may find in a year that you do want to marry him, or maybe you will want to date someone else.

The bottom line is, don't break it off because you don't want to marry him. Also, you can learn from the past but don't let a bad experience keep you from truly falling in love again.

Have you talked this over with a counselor?

We certainly take time to heal from a divorce, and if our spouse cheated on us, I think the damage is even worse. You say you don't know and "don't care", but, as one who was cheated on, I think we do care deep down. It has to affect us. I sse your doubts as being at least partially caused by your suspicion of cheating by your ex. It's very normal. I have had to do it myself. Often, I catch myself being cynical or suspicious about a woman, and I have to rememind myself that it is just leftover baggage, nothing more. In time it will go away

I would suggest some sessions with a good counselor to help you work through your doubts. A counselor can help you to see clearly and make sound decisions. Your guy sounds like a winner, so I do suspect baggage. But, really, I don't know him or you, so it's just a best guess.

Justin,

You are right on. Being cheated on makes you doubt everyone. It was strange but when my wife was in her first EA, I did not trust anyone - not even my brother! I became very paranoid.

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Iloveme,

Just because your x cheated on you doesn't mean this guy ever will. I never did on my x and I know a lot of guys that never cheat on their wives (Believe me, if they did cheat, they would not be my friends).

I have my first session with a therapist this week... so I guess I will see what he says.

I have had one other relationship since my marriage ended.. which I left becuase he wanted to get married. We also got along fabulously, and he was very dear to me. And by all accounts, it was fairy tale. I am afraid I kep meeting amazing men I will run away from!

I just feel that I can not trust my own judgement. Like I dont even know if I am in a good relationship or not. I mean, the absence of badness doesn't make for goodness neccissarily... but on the other hand, I cant imagine what else I would ever want or need that I am not getting.

Yeah I mean I do care if my ex cheated - sort of - but really it wasnt my my marriage ended. I care about the effects it had on me. WHich it seems actually that it isnt trusting people that is my problem, but trusting that a relationship is good. Not sure if that makes sense (which is my problem!!) Ugghhh.....

Trust is an issue.

I found that what I had to learn was not so much to trust women, but to learn to trust myself.

Now, I know that I should trust my instincts.
They rarely let me down.

thats my problem though - my instict seems to be to break up with everyone.... and i dont think thats a good idea!

Its like I am afriad to be happy or something!

I dont trust MYSELF at all - I know I am a great GF and will be a great W. I dont know that I know how to pick the right guy. I certainly hae a great one - but not sure if I love him enough - or I wouldnt have doubts? But isnt that silly?! Of course I would have doubts!

This is really something you need to work out with your therapist. I am not an expert but I think one of the reasons you don't trust yourself is because of how your WS betrayed you. After all, you trusted him with everything - including your heart. Being cheated on shatters self-esteem and without self-esteem, you are doomed for failure in almost everything.

I know about low self-esteem and I have worked for over a year to get mine back and it is not quite there yet but I am starting to feel good again about myself.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Keith