Hi fellow MB's. Well I have been posting on a thread in the EN's area.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...page=0#2850501.

If you want to check it out. But to make a long story short I believe that my W is having at the very minimum an EA. This just blows my mind. As we have always had an honest and open relationship. In hindsight she never communicated with me much when something was bothhering her, but in her time she did and we delt w/ it. A lot had to do with a very rough childhood. Now I find out that after 15 years she has gone outside our marriage to find the EN"s I have not been providing rather that just talk to me about it. Like you all have heard a thousand times. If I only knew I could have done something about it. Well now I know. She has moved out about six months ago and I have been in Semi-plan A since then. Except I have been a bit of a doormat.

When she left I took the time to examine where things went wrong and I found out that there were quit a few LB's going on, not enough fulfilled EN's(on both our parts, but I just figured that was the way things were), coupled with the fact htat she has mild depresion (not medicated), and I feel like she is going through a MLC.

So I have eliminated all LB"s and have tried to meet EN's although this is tough because she will not even give me the time of day. When we do have some limited time together I try to do the right thing. I have read LB's, HNHN's, and a few others. Now I know she has at least one "special friend" although I don't believe it is physical yet, it is only a mnatter of time. She is very cautious.

I have oreded SAA and I am going to do plan A full blown.
I would like to know though how you do this without being a doormat. Any assertivness on my part is percieved by her as being a jerk. She wants her cake and eat it too. We do have two children together and she has one ntaural son. Our two boys live witn me and her son went with her.

Any ideas? I was going to go right to Plan B because of how long it has been but I want to read the book first as to do it right. Do they really come back after this long? After 6 months not even one indication that she would even consider any kind of reconciliation. She will not come to our house if I am here alone, will not even have cofee w/ me. Does come occasionally to visit the boys and we talk then. She acts as though she is very angry with me. Is that the case? anyone been throught his ****** and live to tell about it? Looking for honest opiniions, and encouragement as I am at the end of my rope. Getting angry whenever I realize she is out doing things with people that she would never go and do with me in years. Believe me I tried. Well any advice I get would be very helpful. thank you

Well we had a telephone converstion today. I asked her if she wanted to be included in our (my extended not the immediate) families gift giving exchange. She told me that she didn't have the money to be giving gifts, she was only giving cards. I told her that was fine we arent in it for what we can get anyway. She basically said no. Then I asked her if I could include her name on our christmas cards I was sending out. She then made it very clear that WE are no longer a family. to which I replied that we are still married and legally, morally and ethically no matter where we lived we are still a family.

Then she went on to reiterate that she would never have any feelings for me again so I needed help to cope with that fact. I then told her that she had not given us a real chance because We had never taken the time to work on our marraige together. We argued (not harshely just disagreed) about that for a while then she hung up on me. I then called her back and continued to leave the rest of the message. That she was not giving anyone in our family a fair chance and that she can not just walk away from our family just because it is inconvienint.

I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not. After 6 months is this still typical of someone who will eventually want to work on our relationship or am I just hanging on for nothing. I am not entirely convinced that there is an A going on. I am the end of my rope. I need some reassurance.Don't know what to do here.

You ARE being a doormat.

Stop calling her, stop pressuring her, stop talking about the relationship with her, stop telling her she is wrong, stop telling her there is something wrong with her, stop telling her she has not tried, stop asking her out, stop her from coming over to see the children and tell her to make other arrangements.


The things you are doing ARE NOT GOING TO WORK. THEY NEVER WORK. THEY WORK FOR NO ONE.

Get some confidence, get some self respect and leave her alone for the time being. How can she respect you when she treats you like ****** and you keep coming back for more? You will get respect when you act with dignity,and self confidence. Start asking YOURSELF why you are so hung up on a woman who keeps telling you she DOES NOT WANT YOU?


The best way to get a person to come back into a relationship is to let them go... Stop ALL and ANY pressure. Pressure works against you. Peopla ALWAYS move against pressure in relationships..

Be happy, be confident, and let her go.

Yes I think you are right. Thing is that I just have to cut out being so apeasing to her. Realizing now that it just doing evrything for her is not drawing her her to me. The giver is so much in control of me now.

I have decided to not say anything to her at all about us. Will have to talk about the children but I will resist the urge to call her if I don't absolutly hav to. She has to come over to our house to see children as where she is staying may not be the best place for them right now. I wont keep the boys from seeing there mother and we live where there is no family around to act as mediators for that. I will just not bring US up.

Fuynniest thing happened yesterday. She called and asked if she could come over because she missed the boys. Nothing new there - that happens all the time, but when she showed up she handed me some money and said' I know you could use this toward child care"

I can use it but she has never even offered to help out financially, whats up with that?

Well I have figured out a way to have her see the children and still no contact - we have a mutual friend. A woman she works with. I am going to aproach her about being a mediator in this whole thing with the children.

I am planning to write a plan B letter but I have a couple of questions that I haven't seen adressed anywhere.

1. I have no actual proof that she is actually involved in an affair and I really have no way of knowing. Even if I were to find some and confront her with it I think she would say that it was none of my business anyway. She may not even deny it. But assuming there is not an affair is No Contact/Plan B the right course of action? I just don't want to lose any more love for her and still move on if that is the course I must follow.

2. The book and this website say I should send a letter also to the OM, Well there isn't really one. Only a guy she was (and still may be, she says no) she was hanging with.so obviously I wouldn't be sending a letter to him. It also says a letter to the inlaws. We have never really had much of a relationship with her family as she did not have much of one with them. They all have been married several times and seperating/re-marrying is a matter of course for them. Suffice it to say she is being supprted by them and they just think I am out of the picture. I have tried to call them several times about them seeing the children for the holidays, but the never return my calls. My wife told me her mother said that I should not call them anymore. Nothing from the father. Do I send them a letter anyway?

If anyone can help me out with this I would love the advice. I an drafting my letters at this time and will post them for feedback. Thank you