My H and I have been separated since September. This was after a four year shotgun marriage that was clearly not satisfying either of our needs. I chose to move with our son clear across the country to live with my mother because we could not afford to maintain two places.

Because it was so far away, I really tried to make it the very last option. I asked to go to counseling, he refused. I asked him if we could press "reset" and he got angry with me for being wishy-washy when we'd already discussed separation. I warned him that separating was not a good solution, it was more like the beginning of the end for me.

But my H was at a point in his life where he could not think straight with us under the same roof and he asked me to leave. And we agreed my returning home would be the best for our child.

Up to the point of our separation and since then I have been completely depressed. But I've worked through it and have gotten a job and have started to really see the brighter side of things and get settled. I've dared to imagine life without him and it seems pretty good now. I am not dependent on him for my happiness. I am a better, calmer mother because I am not depressed or stressed out.

Now, he's starting to feel the loneliness. He's calling more often saying he misses us. He wants us to be a family again. He wants to press "reset". The same thing I asked him while we were still together and he got so angry at me for suggesting.

I feel he is pulling me back into a depression. I'm going to support group and have been working through the issues. I realize how we were not meeting eachother's EN at all and frankly feel that we are not very compatible. I am optimistic that we can still be good parents to our son, but I do not want to be his wife any longer.

However, I am wrought with guilt for now being the one who will be breaking the family apart. It's like he asked for this but now is putting it upon me to finish it. I feel that if we can't be happy together, we ought to work together to be happy apart. He's been giving me an ultimatum saying he would not contact us again if we were to go through with the divorce. I feel our son would be the loser in that situation.

help.

I may get blasted for this one but will go ahead anyway...

You two have a child and I feel you owe it to him to see if you can work this out. It sounds like your husband is very controlling if he is giving you an ultimatim (he may be getting desperate to win you back though also).

Do you and your husband know what makes each other happy? Have you really ever spent quality time together, trying to get to know each other? People change and it is important to know those changes and that maybe what happend to you two? Maybe he can be the husband you want?

I know about the guilt. My wife cheated emotionally so many times and then physically and I am the one that felt guilty for filing!!! So, if you do decide to end it, you will feel guilty and it is normal.

Keith

Thanks, Keith. Y'know, aside from the EN which we did not meet for eachother. I think about some of the basic things that one should be able to expect in a marriage:

- sexual intimacy (which we had none for four years)
- freedom from fear, safe harbor (I feared his AO)
- freedom of movement and companionship (he forbade me to communicate with a certain friend who was indirectly connected to his work life for fear his personal business will be leaked to folks at work)
- financial security (our savings have been squandered)

etc. and don't feel they were met nor can he meet them for me. His angry outbursts, though not physical abuse to me, have left me a bit traumatized. Just the thought of going back to him gets me into a deep and paralyzing depression, which I know is not good for our son. He says he is sorry now and realizes how important we are to him but I just can't trust him with my emotions any longer.

I guess my mind is made. He wants to see us at Christmas and give it another try. I want to focus on our settlement. It is just the guilt that is killing me.