I’m a BS that has been separated since May and divorced since August. I have not been on a date or had sex with another person since this time. I feel pretty good about myself and am happy that I am on my own again. My life is better in so many ways.

Lately, I’ve been having issues with realizing that I don’t want to date or even marry again. I feel like I gave marriage a shot and it’s hard to get past the fact that it failed. I sometimes feel like maybe marriage isn’t for me and that I should not try to date anymore. You would think that I would at least miss sex, but it has been such a long time that I’m used to going without.

After years of dating experience I feel like I can’t rely on my intuition anymore. Plus I really don’t look forward to starting over again, learning about someone, etc. While I am more extroverted since I’ve been separated/divorced I just don’t have the drive or will to date. There is simply no motivation for me to get out there, except that I am getting older. I’ve been alone most of my adult life so I’m used to this lifestyle, perhaps too much.

My parents and friends are worried because I haven’t displayed a desire to date anyone. While I don’t wish to be a hermit, I can see my life just being with close friends but not in a relationship. I thought this feeling might just be fleeting, but it has been with me ever since the separation. I’m trying to identify whether this is who I am or this feeling is just part of the healing process. Has anyone else experienced similar thoughts?

Yes, many have experienced the same feeling. Based on your timeline, you are early in the recovery process. Many of us had to grieve the loss of our marriages after separation and divorce, when you add on your recovery, it takes alot of emotional energy to get through that.
If you feel like you need a breather, take it. Don't rush into a wrong relationship just because others think you should be out there.
You will know when the time is right.

As one who is relatively recently divorced I can relate to what you are saying. The recevery process takes take, often more than we would like. Even though my divorce is well over a year behind me, I still go through phases when I don't want to date and other times when I find it exciting and long for a good relationship.

Either way, the #1 goal should be to be happy being with yourself. You seem on the way to that. Great!

Dating can be a hassel. I just met a lady and after deciding I would not try and read her mind, asked her for a date. She gave me the "no chemistry' line, so it turned out I sweated it for nothing. Well, not quite nothing, I learned something about myself, and I honed my dating skills.

There is nothing wrong with not dating and, instead, having a good time with friends. In fact, I often think this may be the best way to meet people. After my on-line subscription expires, I may try that in the hopes that one day a female friend and I will suddenly look at each other and hear the bells ringing and the birds chirping, while we gaze into each other's eyes.

Keep in mind that dating is a learned skill. When you first start you may be rusty. You have to date to learn to date. So, if and when, you decide to date, remember that it won't be all flowers and songs at the beginning.

I'm a year and a half out after a short marriage. And I'm just not feeling it. Ideally, I'd LOVE to meet that special someone, but I do remember the work it takes and have not really been all that excited about "being" with someone. I DO know what I want, and hope I'll know when I find it, and I've had 2 "boyfriends" that I ended.
I LOVE my life I've created, with my friends surrounding me, being able to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want (bearing in mind that I have no one else to think about when it comes to the decisions I make).
Do I get lonely? Sure, But not very often to be honest. I used to feel the "need" to be with someone, but that's gone. It makes me feel free to be like this.
I date, am on several sites to meet people, but just lacking interest, and certainly have no time for games or dishonesty and it seems in my current frame of mind I am more selective. I love it.
I've thought a lot about taking my profile off, but it's not hurting anything being up there. Maybe Mr. Right will hit on me!
I'm 39. Is it feasable to think I want to live the rest of my life alone? Probably not. I'm sure I want to meet someone someday, but I'm not gonna sweat it.
So, I guess I would say to you, timn....is it feasable you will be alone the rest of your life? Probably not, but why rush into it? Why feel like it's something you need to do? It sounds like you are in a good place. Don't let other people second guess yourself. Those are their standards. I mean listen, and if it fits then go with it, but if you ain't feeling it, then don't waste your time or anyone else's. I think in time you will find your solution...

Well, being a divorce "veteran" (5 years and counting), I can tell you that it is not necessarily just a matter of time and healing. I actually wanted to date MORE soon after the divorce than I do now. After the divorce, I felt lonely and dumped (typical for many BSs), so it felt good to have that validation.

However, 5 years and half a dozen girlfriends later, I am more disinterested in dating than ever. Like others said, I built a happy life for myself and my kids, I enjoy all aspects of it, and I do not want to change it too much by having someone come into it right now.

I do miss the comfort of a marriage, but having had one marriage fail, I am a bit more gun shy. And since no one can enter my life seamlessly, I tend to worry about what any new person might bring into the relationship that will require adjustments on my part. Several women I dated wanted to marry me, but I felt that we would not have been happy together.

I am thinking more and more that I may not seriously date until after the kids are out of the house - kind of a depressing thought knowing that it's still 10 years away - but conversely, every time I dip my toe into the dating pool, I end up getting discouraged by all the games, dishonesty, and issues that are out there, and I want no part of that.

I think the bottom line is that if I met Ms. Right tomorrow, I'd be happy to date her, but as far as actively looking (which usually implies the online services), I've had it up to my neck with that.

AGG

Lots of good advice in this thread... I to was like AGoodGuy and right after my wife left, I thought I need to find someone!!! But, I did not am glad I did not. Over a year later, I don't know what I want. I have seen someone off and on but it is more as friends I think. Sometimes after we go out, I get full of anxiety and then depressed so I can tell I am recovering. Bottom line is, I am not quite sure if I am ready yet. I do know I am not ready for a heavy relationship.

As for you not knowing if you want to date or not - don't sweat it. You may want to date down the road, you may get married, you may not. Do what is right for you.

I'm more like you, timn420. I've been separated 2 years and 7.5 months. Even while I was married I swore I'd never, ever marry again. Marriage was too difficult, too miserable.

Sometimes I miss having someone. Then, again, I think about the peace that's in my life now. A lot of that peace would dissipate if I married. It would be constant work and sacrifice. I'd have to change, and I'm not sure I'm up for giving up myself again.

I am several months out of divorce, 2 years after separation. I SWORE to all my friends I would never date and never marry again- EVER!! Guess what? I have a boyfriend and while we're not talking marriage at all, we have been together since summer and enjoy our time and do reference "next spring, next summer" that sort of thing, which implies we both would like to still be together then.

My point is that I was not looking for a boyfriend, and I found somebody to spend time with, adn fall in love with. Some might argue that I have not recovered from my divorce yet, since I did not ahve much time from divorce to dating this fella. I do have emotional baggage, adn so does he, but we are not making demands on each other, and not rushing things, and so far have been able to work through the emotional crap that has come up.

Don't worry about how you're feeling. You seem to have an enjoyable life so just enjoy it!!

cm

Thanks for the advice. I currently have my profile on one of the online sites too. I've had a couple of emails and one in particular who I talk online once in a while. I know if I wanted to I could at least meet this person. However, I'm just not into it. I'm debating whether or not to take down my profile since I'm not really feeling like dating. Sad isn't it? I just feel really withdrawn.

Like some of you noted, earlier on in the process I was more into getting out there. It's not that I want to be alone, it's just that I don't have the heart or desire to even try right now. What’s confusing is that I don’t miss my ex-wife. I guess I’m just scared and tired of the idea of dating in general.